Keeping Up With The Morgans

19 Weeks

2012-01-22T20:07:00.000-06:00

What a week!!! So many changes took place over the past week. Monday was a holiday for school so I enjoyed the day off at home relaxing. Tuesday was a teacher work day which was MUCH needed and Wednesday was the day we'd been waiting for all of these weeks.

Wednesday, my 26th birthday, we went in for our 19 week anatomy sonogram and after some hopping up and down and jiggling of my belly, Baby M cooperated and we got to see what we were having. The sonographer sat staring at the screen for what seemed like ten minutes then finally pointed and said these six little words that changed my world forever... "You see those three little dots?" I knew exactly what that meant, we were having a little baby GIRL!!!! Now, I would've been very happy regardless of the outcome, but that girly side of me deep down was secretly hoping for a girl. The instant she said those words tears were streaming down my face.

{Callie Marie}

We had to keep a secret for the next two days in order to keep the big news a surprise for our gender reveal / my birthday party. :) We had friends and family over for dessert and had fun teasing everyone with our little secret. Guests got to sign their guess on a scrapbook page for Callie's baby book and then pick a mustache or lips to use in pictures! When everyone had finally arrived we handed gifts to our parents. They opened them together and a big pink balloon popped out! The reactions were priceless...

{BOY GUESSERS}

{GIRL GUESSERS}

{Everyone}

{The big reveal!}

how far along? 19 weeks
how are you measuring? She's measuring right on schedule
size of baby? Around 6 inches - the size of a mango
heartbeat? 137 bpm
total weight gain/loss? 8 lbs
stretch marks? Not yet, hoping never!
sleep? Can't seem to get enough.
best moment this week? Finding out that we're having a baby girl. I felt her kick on the outside for the first time AND Josh felt her kick for the first time. What a week!
movement? Yes
food cravings? CARBS
what i'm looking forward to: Continuing to decorate her nursery.
how are you feeling? Feeling pretty good this week. VERY exhausted even after full nights of rest. She is sitting very low so I'm having a lot of pelvic pain but she is SO worth it. :)

Week 18

2012-01-16T19:17:00.000-06:00

This past week was quite uneventful. I finished up the first semester of teaching with some extra long work hours and attempting to catch up on sleep and time with family. Here's an updated pregnancy questionnaire. :)

how far along? 18 weeks
how are you measuring? Last we checked the baby was measuring a week ahead
size of baby? Around 5.6 inches - the size of a sweet potato
heartbeat? The last time we checked it was 144bmp
total weight gain/loss? Still around 6 lbs
stretch marks? Not yet, hoping never!
sleep? Can't seem to get enough.
best moment this week? Still loving all of the movements from the baby.
movement? Yes
food cravings? Sweet and salty this week.
gender predictions? Still think it's a boy... We'll find out 1.18!
what i miss: My body...
what i'm looking forward to: Finding out if we're having a he or a she.
how are you feeling? still having a lot of dizziness, I was diagnosed with pregnancy anemia this past week. Add to that the intense pain in my pelvic bone {apparently due to my hips spreading out} ahhh the joys of pregnancy!

17 Weeks

2012-01-08T21:08:00.000-06:00

This past week flew by! Monday was my first day back to school after Christmas break. On Tuesday my lightheadedness and dizzy spells got the best of me when I nearly passed out during a lesson. Doctor's orders sent me home to rest. On Wednesday I drove up to the hospital for some blood work, they're testing for anemia at this point in time. This sweet little bundle of joy sure has brought a lot of interesting difficulties! Luckily it will all be worth it in the end.

Only 10 more days until we find out what we're having!

I borrowed this pregnancy update from a friend... It's a fun way to keep y'all updated without having to bore you with all of my blabbing. :)

how far along? 17 weeks
how are you measuring? Last we checked the baby was measuring a week ahead
size of baby? around 5.1 inches or the size of an onion
heartbeat? The last time we checked it was 144bmp
total weight gain/loss? So far I have gained 6 pounds.
stretch marks? No
sleep? I LOVE being pregnant because I am tired all of the time which makes sleep that much easier {minus the midnight potty trips}
best moment this week? Feeling Baby M moving around!
movement? Yes!!! I was holding a friend's baby one evening and my little one kicked it!
food cravings? No cravings at all.
gender predictions? Currently I am convinced that we're having a boy.
what i miss: Red WINE!
what i'm looking forward to: Getting through this week so we can finally know if we're having a boy or a girl!
how are you feeling? Not terrible, but the headaches and lightheadedness have been pretty brutal.

16 Weeks

2012-01-02T19:31:00.000-06:00

What a busy, wonderful week! This week started on Christmas day. We spent the morning opening gifts with the Morgans. We both were blessed with some incredible gifts this year, but hands down the best gift we received was that of sweet Baby M. After spending time with his side of the family we came home to exchange gifts to each other and make breakfast. Around noon my family showed up! We had quite the full house with Mom, Mel (and baby andrew baking away), Matty, Athena, Grandma and Grandpa Chandler, Gary, Nathan and his girlfriend! It was wonderful spending the day with those we love most and a great kick off to our 16th week of pregnancy.

Since I was still stuck in bed (with my back) for most of the week I decided to start working on some crafts. I guess you could say that I am nesting. :) I successfully created two sweet lovebirds {previous posts} and got some antique shopping done.

After several phone calls to my doctor we decided to try and see a chiropractor for my back. Bed rest and pain meds were only masking the issue and I needed a solution before going back to school this week. This chiropractor has saved my life! After only three visits I am walking and experiencing little to no pain! Praise the Lord. Now if only his services were free. ;)

We finished off the week by brining in the new year! Over the weekend we traveled to the Hawkins' ranch where we did some hunting, relaxing and spent time with close friends. I'm so excited to finally be able to say our baby will be here this year!

Just for fun here are a few pregnancy questions I get asked often with answers. :)

*When is your due date? As of our most recent measurement, June 5, 2012

*What week are you in? Just finished week 16, into week 17 now.

*What was your weight pre-pregnancy? 118

*What is your current weight? 124 (gaining weight is one of the hardest parts of pregnancy for me!)

*Have you had an ultrasound? Yes, two! It's so exciting

*Do you know the gender of your baby? Not yet but we will in 16 days.

*Do you have a name picked out? Yes we have names for both boy and girl but are keeping them secret (at least from the internet) until we know what we are having.

*Is the child being named after someone? Middle names are family names or variations of family names

*Who is going to be with you during delivery? As of right now Josh and my mom.

*Natural or medicared childbirth? Are you kidding, definitely MEDICATED!

*How are you feeling right about now? Excited, the baby has been moving quite a bit today.

*What was the first thing you bought for baby? A sock monkey deer. :)

*Do you feel you are ready to have a baby? Definitely... I think.

*Are you excited or scared about delivery? Super nervous. Excited once the baby is out!

*Any food cravings? No, more like food aversions. I used to love meat, now I don't care for it.

*Anything you loved before that you absolutely cannot eat anymore? Meat!

* Anything else you'd like to share or vent about? I've been having really bad dizzy spells and low blood pressure... Something to look into at our next appointment.

Projects galore...

2011-12-30T12:05:00.000-06:00

Josh and I went antique shopping yesterday. We kept passing the Benbrook Antique Mall thinking, we should probably check that out sometime, and after two years we finally did. Our mission consisted of two things; one: locating unique pieces of cobalt blue glass (for the collection inspired by my dad) and two: find antique picture frames to be refinished for the baby's room.

I was SO overwhelmed by how awesome this place was. We've been to our fair share of antique stores and this one topped the cake. The prices were a little high, but lucky for us we went right when they were having an end of the year sale. We found several picture frames of varying sizes and textures all at really reasonable prices and splurged a bit {if you can call $29 a splurge} on an amazing mirror with shutters attached! We also found three beautiful blue glass pieces to add to the collection. I'd call the day a huge success.

Add to that, I was able to be out of bed all day waking around with little to no back pain! We can thank my new chiropractor for that. I've seen him twice now and he has really started working miracles on me. It's amazing how out of whack my entire body was... I have a long way to go and am still experiencing back pain but I am thankful that at least now I'm able to get around! I'll show that spondylosis who's boss yet!

Here are a few pictures of our treasures... The picture frames are going to be hung on the wall above the dresser/changing table {which has still yet to be purchased} and will all be painted white! I am SO excited to start this project!

Last night I was feeling artsy so I did a little water coloring. That stuff is NOT as easy as it looks! Anyway, I came up with this little bird and hopefully it will be hung in one of the newly purchased frames!

Sweet Love Birds

2011-12-27T18:37:00.000-06:00

With the week off and no sign of any improvement in my back I've been bound to the house. Let the projects begin! Today I tackled the bird decoration from Pinterest. I think it turned out quite well!! Here's a few pictures from my endeavor.

Everything BABY!

2011-12-23T18:46:00.000-06:00

Yes, I am going a little crazy. But to my credit I haven't had ANY time to browse the web and get excited about baby "stuff." I'm taking full advantage of this break and trying to explore as much as possible! :)

During my browsing I've found some things that I want to keep in mind as we think about registering and furnishing baby M's nursery. We've already finished painting the room {for the most part} and have the crib {thanks to my sweet Momma!} and crib mattress. At this point we are at a standstill to do much more until we know if we're having a he or a she. :)

Here is the bedding we've chosen. Pink is clearly for a girl and blue for a boy.

Baby M's nursery (minus the mattress). I guess if we HAD to decide on a theme it would be soft and cheek with a touch of whimsy.

{We will be adding two birds, either pink or blue, and a nest w/ eggs once we know the gender}

I've found a diaper bag that I'm semi in love with. Still browsing so if any of you experienced mommas have any advice I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Next week I'll be borrowing my sweet momma's sewing machine to work on a few Pinterest projects for the nursery. Since we're going to be painting birds on the wall with the tree mural I wanted to get more birds to put on shelves as decor. Saw these beauties and HAVE to have them!

This will also be one of the first projects I work on when we find out the gender of baby M.

{Hint on names... The letter will either be a pink C or a blue N}

There is so much more buzzing around in my busy little brain, but this will do for now. :) My next projects include organizing the nursery closet! Josh is really looking forward to me tackling that job.

Week 15

2011-12-23T16:55:00.000-06:00

I've not been the best about maintaining a pregnancy journal, something I promised myself I'd do, so I thought, well, better late than never! Baby M is the size of a navel orange this week and measures in at 4 inches long!

The pregnancy has been pretty incredible so far. Yes, I've had my fair share of "morning" sickness. Weeks 8-13 were the worst for feeling icky. I believe the baby was trying to take it easy on me as a new teacher because I didn't start feeling ill until about 7:00 each night. Once 7 hit I was down for the count. Fortunately I was able to keep most of my meals down.

After I reached the second trimester it was as if someone waved the magical wand over me and suddenly my "morning" sickness was gone! Now, exhaustion has been a whole different story! Making a little human is quite a lot of work, add that to 12 hour work days, a new job and trying to maintain a social life and I was pretty much at my breaking point. This Christmas break couldn't have come at a better time.

We decided early on that during the pregnancy we wanted to take a lot of pictures. Documenting life is something I've always been passionate about. Yes, some of you may say to the extreme at times {5,700+ photos on facebook} but with my terrible memory it has really helped me to remember some incredible, and yes, sometimes boring, times of my life. :) We've been pretty good at taking a weekly photo, minus week 12 (Josh was out of town the entire week!) and I can't wait to look back on the changes after our little one is here.

On Thanksgiving day, on our way back home from my sister-in-law's house, I felt our sweet little baby move for the first time. Everyone tells me that it was way to early to be feeling anything but I know for sure that it was Peanut. It felt like a tiny butterfly was stuck under my belly button and was just fluttering around for a moment. The feeling stopped me in my tracks, I knew exactly what it was! Since then baby M has graced me with some crazy flutters reminding me that he/she is still there. This is BY FAR my favorite part of pregnancy. It is such a beautiful reminder that there really is a little person growing inside of me! One of my favorite moments this week was getting to see baby M moving around in our 15 week ultrasound. Less than a month until we find out if we're having a he or a she!!!

Baby Update

2011-12-22T09:12:00.000-06:00

This has been quite the interesting week so far. My first vacation in YEARS! Having two weeks off for Christmas is such a wonderful blessing, and I decided to take full advantage of it.

Monday while getting out of bed I did something to my lower back. I tried going through the day but it just continued to get worse, until I nearly feel outside of the Post Office in the pouring rain. Tears budded up in my eyes as I grimaced in pain, as soon as I got to the car I had the doctor on the phone. Our 15 week check up was scheduled for Tuesday but because of the intense pain they asked me to come in a day early. Josh took off work and drove me to our doctor where they let us hear the baby's heart rate (in the 150's) and he did an exam to make sure everything was okay.

We were relieved to hear that the baby was just fine and that the pain wasn't related. If you remember reading my blog last year about a little health update, you'll recall the CT scan I had for abdominal pain which revealed a condition called spondylosis in my lumbar vertebrae. I hadn't sought out physical therapy because I wasn't experiencing any pain in my lower back. Now, as it turns out, they believe pregnancy has made the condition more prevalent. I was ordered a few days of bed rest and some pain medicine. Here it is, Thursday... I am still in bed and STILL having back pain and trouble walking. No one wants to do X-Rays on a preggo lady so I'm stuck wondering what is wrong with my back and hoping that this bed rest does me some good. It's extremely difficult to lay in bed when there is so much that needs to get done! Especially the week before Christmas! :)

On Wednesday we had the wonderful opportunity to have a sonogram done. It was such a miracle to see our little active baby. He / she measured in at 16 weeks, which is a little ahead of where we are now. It was upside down and kicking and rolling over. It even played with its umbilical cord. I sat there with my eyes popped wide open and jaw hanging on the floor. It was so amazing!!! I could watch it all day long. I was especially thrilled because my mom was able to be there! She got to see the ultrasound first hand. What a special moment! Here are a few pictures from the appointment! We go back in on January 18 (my birthday) to find out the sex of our little one!

Heart beat. 144bpm

He/she is upside down, head on the bottom, spine on the left.

Little hand on the left waving!

Tiny foot at the top kicking away

Sweet baby upside down again, if you look closely you can see eyes, nose and mouth!

Christmas Letter 2011

2011-12-10T12:34:00.002-06:00

Dearest family and friends,

As I sat down on our living room couch to begin writing this Christmas letter I’ve thought to myself about all of the events that have taken place over the past year.

This year has held a lot of firsts for our family. If I had to pick a theme for the year it would be change. As you all know, last December my family went through a terrible, Earth shattering loss. We lost my dad, Galen, on December 14th, 2010. Our entire family has been taking advantage of these past several months as an attempt to put our broken lives back together. There is no remedy for “getting over” something so tragic. Not a day goes by that we do not think of him and miss him.

A lot of this past year has been a blur. You fall into routines and being able to wake up to a new day becomes a challenge on its own. But I am so proud and thankful to say that I am part of a family of survivors. Our faith in our Lord and the comfort He provides to us in our times of need has gotten us through some of the most unimaginable circumstances and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Here is a quick recap of some of the wonderful events that happened in the life of our family in 2011.

I turned 25 in January, my first birthday without Dad. Friends and family came together to make it one of the most special days I’ve ever had. It was an outpouring of love, support and comfort that I am very blessed to have experienced. A quarter of a century lived! What an amazing blessing.

In February Josh and I took a weekend trip to Austin. We were able to spend some quality time with our Aunt and Uncle and really enjoyed the get away. February also marked the time where I began going to counseling. I visited a group here in town called the Warm Place. I attended 8 weeks of sessions with people in my age group who had all suffered the loss of a loved one. It was a really tough time for me but after it was all said and done I felt as if I had made some big strides in coping with my grief.

When May rolled around we had a lot of celebrations. Athena turned 15, Melanie turned 26 and Mom celebrated her 49th birthday! In the midst of all of that we also celebrated Mother’s Day. It was a month filled with celebrations and love shared between our family

Over the past several years we have both been very fortunate in avoiding any accidents on the road. June rolled around and I decided to break that streak. I was in a small accident leaving our home one evening. My car was totaled in the process and I spent about 5 hours in the emergency room. I was not seriously injured, thank the Lord. After the accident we had to go out and find a new car. I sure do miss my Escape but am really enjoying some of the perks of this newer Edge.

I also traveled with my family to Pittsburgh, PA for the first time in over a decade! It was such a wonderful experience to see my family again. We celebrated the union of my beautiful cousin Jessica to her new husband David. The trip was such a wonderful break from reality.

One of the biggest changes took place in July. I left my job at THG and started on the path of pursuing my dream to become a teacher. During the month of July I attended an alternative certification program where I obtained my probationary teaching certificate. After graduating we traveled down to Destin to spend a long weekend on the beach with the Morgans. The sun and great company were a welcomed relief to the long days we had both been having. We really enjoyed our time with family!

After vacation, I searched for interviews and teaching opportunities to no avail. It seemed hopeless and I was feeling very down on myself. But through constant prayer and a strong faith, I knew the Lord would provide an opportunity for Josh and me. I began substitute teaching in September and worked at different elementary schools nearly daily for over a month. During that time period I had four interviews; all of which went really well. I had begun a long-term substitute assignment for kindergarten just as I was offered a full time teaching job. As of October 31st, I am now the newest fourth grade teacher at Jackie Carden Elementary School. This job has had some serious ups and downs but at the end of the day I am thankful and happy to be doing what I was created to do. The Lord IS faithful and provides for His children. We couldn’t be happier!

Josh turned 28 in September and this year we celebrated with a party at our home. We had friends and family come over for a cook out and played games outside in the beautiful weather. Any time our loved ones can all come together for a common purpose is a great time!

October brought another little blessing about to our little family of two. After an afternoon of antique shopping with Josh I came home and took a pregnancy test. To our surprise we saw two VERY strong pink lines. We were completely awestruck at the news! We waited just under a month to tell our family and friends, which by the way was one of the hardest things we’ve ever done! We are now 14 weeks and will be going in to find out the gender on my birthday in January. Neither of us are hoping for one or the other, just a healthy and happy baby. I joined the ranks of my beautiful sister, Melanie as she is pregnant with their second and is expecting at the beginning of March. Their son, Matthew just celebrated his first birthday in October! Our little family is growing so quickly we just don’t know what to do with ourselves! It will be exciting to watch our children grow up together.

Thanksgiving was spent with friends and family eating way too much food. This year was held at our sister, Jamie’s house. They had family from both sides over and it was quite the turn out! We were so excited to learn that she, too, was expecting! Our parents, Marsha and Steve, are going to be having quite a busy year next year as they become grandparents for the first time with both of their children having babies in the span of two months!

It is incredible to think of what a year can hold; tragedy, loss, trials, hardships, new opportunities, life and the strengthening of families. Josh and I are so very thankful for the families that we have. Although we miss Dad every moment we know that he is in a much better place getting to enjoy the presence of his Heavenly Father and for that I am envious. We are really looking forward to what this next year holds for our little family; I’ll finish my first year of teaching and we will become parents! This little bundle of joy is one of the best things that has ever happened to us and I thank the Lord every day for the opportunity to be trusted to bring a person into the world.

We hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits as you take the time to enjoy what has come and what is yet to come. Christmas is a perfect time of year to reflect on and embrace those things in life that we sometimes take for granted. We love and miss each and every one of you and hope that your year was just as busy and filled with love and family as ours was.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

With all of our love,

Josh and Nicki

Thankfulness

2011-11-24T08:44:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year again. Thanksgiving has rolled around and this morning I lay in bed thinking about this past year and all of the events it held. It's slightly overwhelming to think of the vast variety of huge, life-altering events that have happened over the past year. There are so many things to be thankful for and yet, at moments, I find it very difficult to find that thankful spirit within me.

This time last year I was typing up a blog about all of the things I was thankful for. Smiling and filled with excitement at the previous year and the upcoming one as well. This year I can find many things to add to my list but there is still one event that bogs it all down.

Losing my dad was and is the hardest thing I've ever had to experience in my life. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about and miss him. Some days are better than others, and most days I'm finding genuine happiness, but there are those select days that just seem to weigh my spirit down. I was in bed last night thinking about the Thanksgiving feasts we have planned for today. My mind went back to last year, the whole family wrapped around the dining room table. Dad perched comfortably in his seat at the head of the table with the rest of the family surrounding him. We ate and ate, talked about our lives and all of the things we were thankful for. He had this way about him. He'd just sit there quietly, knowingly and listen. With a glass of tea or a cup of coffee in his hand he'd sit back and watch each person as they discussed those things in their lives they were so abundantly thankful for. I think it was always one of his proudest moments. One of the few times we were all at a dining room table together. He mentioned being thankful for his new grandson, for his growing family and all of the comforts the Lord had blessed us with. He was never selfish in his thanks, it was always directed to his Heavenly Father and he was so eloquent with his words. I got to sit to my dad's right, and during the prayer I cherished holding his strong, warm hand in mine. I've always prided myself on being so much like my dad. Followed in his traditions as I became an adult, adopted his mottos and good habits. Today, as I think about all of the things in my life that I am thankful for it reminds me of him. His constant urging for us to remember why we celebrated the holidays, why it is that we took time off work/school to spend time with family. With Dad, there was always a reason for everything.

So today, I sit here, wanting to uphold the tradition. What am I thankful for? It's a question that has been gnawing at my heart. Typically I'd make a list and elaborate on each item, but this year I think it is enough just to get them down.

First and foremost, I thank my Lord for watching over my family over this past year. For providing us with comfort, friends, and family in a time of desperate need. He is a faithful God and it is my absolute honor to be called his child.

This year held so much... Here are a few of the things I am thankful for:

The freedom to love my Lord so freely, to worship in public and not be persecuted for it.

My husband who is the most selfless man I've ever known, constantly encouraging me through my crazy adventures, pushing me to be the best I can be and loving me even in my darkest of moments.

This life that grows inside of me. This baby is a miracle. God has chosen Josh and I to be parents to a child and the feeling of being pregnant is one I never imagined. It is overwhelmingly wonderful to know that in a few short months our family will go from two to three. What a wonderful and incredible blessing.

My family - having them close, healthy and growing.

Friends. Without them I'd be lost.

A job... If you've followed my blog at all you'll know how thankful we are for a full time teaching job in this economy.

Food, shelter, clothing and modern comforts that I typically take for granted.

Life. I see now how fragile life is. How easily it can be taken away, because of that I have learned to appreciate every moment, every breath and every hug.

To all of our family, friends and loved ones, we wish you a very happy Thanksgiving. May your day be filled with family and love... And if you remember, tell someone you care about that you are thankful for them. Hold your families tightly today, hug them all a little tighter.

To my daddy, I am thankful most today to be your daughter. Though you aren't here physically for me to hug or hold your hand during prayer, I know you are watching. Those big brown eyes filling with tears of pride as you watch your family from Heaven. We miss you, we love you... And I am so very thankful for the almost 49 years you blessed this world with your life.

Life's Little Blessings

2011-11-01T21:27:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how long it has been since my last post! Life has been so full we're simply bursting at the seems. Here's a few updates. :)

Teaching has completely transformed my life. Being a substitute definitely has its ups and downs. A huge perk of subbing is that I got to step foot in several different teacher's classrooms, was exposed to several grades/ages and learned a TON. The hardest part was definitely the fact that I wasn't able to form the relationships with staff and students that I had so desperately been wanting. It's difficult to be wearing someone else's shoes day in and day out in their room with their kids. A HUGE blessing came about two weeks ago. I was presented the opportunity to interview for a fourth grade position in a classroom that had recently lost their teacher. I was the substitute for this class prior to the interview and just continued to pray that God would lead me in the direction He desired. After months of prayers, four interviews in two different districts and what seemed like hundreds of classrooms the Lord blessed me with the full time teaching job!! My first day was Monday... It has been a whirlwind of a school year and I can only imagine what the next several months will be like. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support!

Here are a few pictures from our crazy, busy lives these past two months. :)

Angie's birthday celebration. Just missing Kristi!

Mom's house went on the market... Bittersweet.

Josh's 28th birthday, before Texas de Brazil. Yumm!

Matty's 1st Birthday! The cutest baby ever!!

Halloween with the sweetest little bear

And a little fun surprise....

That's right! We are having a BABY!!!!!!!!

We've had so much fun telling friends and family the big news. One afternoon after school Josh and I went to visit his parents. We had purchased a little frame with the word "Baby"on it and printed the following poem to be framed inside:

I do not have a face to see,
Or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss,
I don't yet have a name.
You can't yet hold my tiny hands,
Nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song,
Or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come June,
That's when the say I'm due.
I'm your new grandson or granddaughter,
I can't wait till I meet you.
All I ask between now and then,
Is your patience while I grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait,
Because of all the love we'll know.
So what I have to give you now,
is a wish to you from me.
I cannot wait to be a part
Of this wonderful family.

Steve and Marsha are thrilled to be grandparents! This will be their first grandchild!

Telling my family was really fun. As most of you know we are big Settlers of Catan players. With both sets of grandparents in for Matty's birthday party we took advantage of their presence and played a game. During the game I played a "development card" that we had made prior to their arrival and yelled out, "I win!" Athena refused to acknowledge the win because she knew I only had four points (you need 10 to win) but I insisted she look closely at the card. She read it aloud, "We're having a baby!" then looked over at my mom who's jaw had dropped to the ground. Mom mustered out the word, "REALLY?!" several times as I nodded my head and held back tears of joy.

We've really had so much fun breaking the news to people and are elated that we can finally share it with everyone. We are a little over 8 weeks and our little peanut is due sometime around June 12, 2012. Just in time for my first summer vacation as a teacher! We had our first sonogram on Tuesday October 25th and got to see our little bean's heartbeat. It was so incredible and emotional. I just laid there on the table, eyes locked on the monitor as they filled up with tears of excitement.

I have been utterly exhausted (which is why the updates are so far and few between) and pretty sick. Luckily I'm able to keep all of my food down but the nausea doesn't seem to want to lay off. Really looking forward to the second trimester. :) We've been taking weekly pictures to document our sweet peanut's growth, at the end of my pregnancy it will be fun to put them together and see how much my belly grew. I hope you'll check back for some more frequent updates! We are so excited and happy to be able to share this with all of you. Here's to a healthy and happy pregnancy! :)

5 Weeks

6 Weeks

7 Weeks

8 Weeks

A Day in the Life of a Substitute Teacher

2011-09-13T16:47:00.000-05:00

Never in my life have I felt a greater peace about a decision. Walking down this path toward teaching has been by far the best choice I've ever made. Thank you Lord for guiding me and speaking to me.

Last week I started work as a substitute teacher. It isn't a very glamorous title - in fact, the word substitute holds a lot of stigmas. Close your eyes and think about a sub, what do you see? For me it is an older woman with a shin-length printed skirt, a wrinkled button up blouse and wool vest with pictures of apples and A+ all over it, glasses, disheveled hair and a bit of lipstick on her front tooth. Alright, maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but that's where my mind goes.

So many have told me that the gateway into teaching is starting off as a substitute. Boy were they right.

Last week I was the substitute teacher for a school's second grade teachers. They were administering tests so I had a new class everyday. The first day was a bit overwhelming, as I thought it would be. There were a handful of students that put some fear in me but at the end of the day I still had my sanity and even a faint smile hanging on my face. Every day after that it got a little better. Each class was vastly different in the makeup of personalities and characteristics, I learned so much from other teachers and even my students.

This week I have been blessed to work at two different schools. On Monday I was a substitute for a fourth grade class. I must admit that fear bubbled up inside of me at the mere mention of fourth graders. Little people I'm good with! But I was nervous about going into an older age group. This group of fourth graders was an absolute DREAM. They were attentive, respectful and dare I say, even wanted to LEARN! By the end of the day, though I was exhausted, I walked to my car, head held high with a big dopey grin across my face.

The true test came today when I subbed for a fourth grade bilingual class. I do have my ESL (English as a Second Language) certification and took three years of Spanish in high school, but lets face it, high school was ages ago and who paid attention in class anyway? I sure didn't. :)

Needless to say I had my reservations. The anticipation woke me up earlier than I would have liked and eagerness got me to school a whole 40 minutes early. I sat patiently in the office waiting for an administrator to get to work and sign me in. Before today I had been working at the same school everyday. I had grown familiar with the children, staff and layout of the building along with procedures and expectations. This was a very new environment for me. As I made it to my classroom the hunt for lesson plans from the permanent teacher began. Frantically looking in every possible place they could be I realized he hadn't left any. Nerves shot through my body like lightning and panic started to take hold of my stomach. In desperation I left my class to find a neighboring teacher who might be able to help. All I can say is THANK THE LORD FOR CURTAIN PARTNERS! The teacher next to me was also a fourth grade bilingual teacher. She was an absolute blessing, taking the time to sit with me and give ideas of things to do throughout the day. After my meeting with her the fear subsided and the excitement of teaching returned.

I had 10 students. The day was a huge whopping success. Before I knew it the announcements were on asking students to prepare for dismissal. I'm typically not one to "toot my own horn" but I am VERY proud of myself today. Being complemented on your ability to pronounce things with a Spanish accent by a fourth grader is quite the accomplishment. :) To add to that, I was also able to TEACH which is rare for a substitute. I can't explain the wave of excitement that overcomes your body when you see your students understanding a concept. Rounding decimals to the nearest tenth, hundredth... For not being a math teacher I rocked that one out of the park.

The stash of business cards I keep has been depleted and the phone has been ringing off the hook by schools requesting me as a substitute. My heart is smiling right now simply because I feel God's hand at work. This may not be what I initially desired, but I know that all good things come with time. Patience has become a dear, old friend. There is a permanent job out there for me somewhere, God just isn't finished growing it or me yet. Until then, I'll continue to be a sponge, soaking up all of the knowledge I can find.

I'd like to attempt to document all of the fun stories and quotes ... But this is enough for now. :-D

Mrs. Morgan

aka

"The coolest substitute ever." - Unnamed students :)

Encouragement from Beyond the Grave

2011-09-10T21:22:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of things that I'd like to write about tonight. Mostly, all of the events that have been going on in our lives as of late but for some reason I don't have the desire to elaborate.

My mom has decided to put her home on the market and build a new house closer to her church/Athena's school. There are a lot of mixed emotions stirring around in my head and heart. Around every corner, in every room, there is a different memory of my dad. This is the last big part of Dad that I have left. As she has been preparing the house to sell we've come across a few hidden treasures my dad left behind. The first was a daily diary that he had kept, the year was 1991 - I was 5. He writes about life, love, religion and daily struggles as well as some of the fond memories from his childhood. I was reminded tonight of how incredible my dad's heart truly was. He writes of his struggles to love and be selfless, how he strives to be a good example and his ever increasing desire to draw closer to his Heavenly Father. One thing that really stuck out to me was his documentation of his memory of the day I fell out of the two story window in our town home. He writes, "God reached out his hands that day and caught our falling sparrow. Save a broken leg, Nicki "walked" away from her second-story fall. Six months later, there was no trace of the fracture on her x-rays. Sometimes I think it took longer for her parents to heal." Tears poured from my eyes reading his words, "our little sparrow." It can't be a coincidence that the tattoo on my neck is just that.

The second little treasure was a book of poems. These poems brought tears to my eyes. I knew he had a love of poetry but I don't think I ever grasped the full span of his passion and incredible ability to write. He even had poems published.

All of this has gotten me anxious to write again. He was always trying to improve himself. Whether it was his relationship with friends/family, the Lord, or his writing ability- he never got complacent. I'm encouraged and inspired. Who knew that even beyond the grave my dad would continue to push me toward the path of bettering myself? As difficult as it was to read his thoughts and words I am so happy that he left those things behind for us to find. I hope that someday, my children will be able to look back at the things I've written and find an appreciation for my heart, my mind and the life I've been blessed to live. If I can be a fraction of the person that my dad was I will be forever content.

Missing him with every bit of my heart tonight.

When Doors Close

2011-08-11T17:27:00.000-05:00

After my interview on Monday I was feeling pretty good. The interview itself went wonderful. The principal was kind and asked questions that I felt prepared for and I felt like I did a great job portraying myself and the teacher I want to be. Tuesday came and went and I hadn't heard anything... Then Wednesday. By Wednesday evening I had grown quite anxious and just when I didn't think I could wait any longer I got an email from the principal. She said that it had been a pleasure getting to know me and that she thinks I will make a wonderful teacher but that she had chosen another candidate. My heart sank into my feet. It turns out that she had interviewed ten people and I had been in the top three. The two that were above me both had teaching experience. The only reason I wasn't offered the position was because I haven't passed my ESL exam yet. I'm scheduled to take it on Tuesday... So while I am down because I wasn't offered the job, I feel a little better knowing that I was at least highly considered for the position. :)

So the day goes on and I try to keep my chin up. I realize that I am back to square one, which is substituting for this school year and I am perfectly okay with that. Well, last night, after a long bath to try and cool my anxieties, Josh and I went out for a walk. Right as we headed down the driveway my neighbor came running up to me and said that her sister in law had just been talking to her about some teaching needs at her school. A little background... Tuesday night I went to a Thirty-One (handbag) party that was thrown by my neighbor's sister in law. At this party were mostly teachers from the elementary school right by my house. Anyway, she took my resume and spoke with the principal at her school and even had them put me on the substitute list. At this point in time it is looking like they are overenrolled and could possibly be looking to hire at the start of the school year... I am not getting my hopes up but am remaining positive that the Lord will lead me down the correct path when the time is right. Needless to say, I am feeling more encouraged and hopeful that this is where I belong, I feel the Lord's hand moving and I am just sitting here waiting to jump on any opportunity He brings my way. :)

Today I woke up feeling happier... I thought well, if one door closes then I'm determined to find an unlocked window. I WILL be a teacher! :)

Change Keeps on Comin'

2011-08-05T23:16:00.000-05:00

I'm laying here in bed tonight having an incredibly difficult time finding sleep. Its always the late nights that pull me under, not quite sure what it is about the night that does it. Its been too long since I've updated and there is a lot to update so here goes nothing. :)

My last day of work was July 1st. It was bittersweet leaving THG because it had been such a wonderful job. I loved the people I worked with and had the best boss anyone could ask for, but I knew that God was calling me to do His will elsewhere. That weekend was the fourth of July and it was spent with family and friends. School started the following Tuesday. ECAP was an incredible experience. I have to say that there were moments I thought about pulling my hair out strand by strand, but overall it was worth it. There were a handful of incredibly intelligent and creative instructors who really inspired me and reminded me why I wanted in this field to begin with. On top of getting a great education I also had the pleasure of meeting a new, incredible friend. It's amazing how God provides just when you need it.

Wednesday, July 24th, we headed down to Destin, FL for a family vacation with the Morgans. We stayed in the same condo as last year and it was so relaxing spending time on the beach and soaking up the warm sun. The break from Texas heat was nice! We enjoyed delicious food, I had my first deep sea fishing adventure and even went parasailing! Before leaving we were able to take some family pictures on the beach for Steve and Marsha.

Now that I am finished with school I have been continuing on with the job search. Its been a struggle not to get defeated. You hear so much talk about how bad the job market is and how no one is getting hired, etc... After applying to countless schools and districts to no avail I had decided that becoming a substitute teacher was the right avenue to take for now. Last night I was over at mom's house spending time with my Aunt Brenda and cousin Emily and family when I got a phone call from Josh. He had just gotten off the phone with his mom who told him of a teaching position that had just opened up at one of the schools where she teaches. Long story short, I have my first interview Monday at 3:00. I am elated but trying not to get ahead of myself. It would be such a blessing to be offered this position. It seems like I've been praying nonstop for provision from the Lord... Hoping that this could be the opportunity that turns things around for me. As always, prayers are needed and so appreciated.

I feel a little foolish sitting here tonight feeling so down. There is so much in life to be thankful for... Countless blessings that I experience everyday and yet I feel like there is a huge gaping hole in my heart and my soul. The gnawing ache inside of my heart that Dad left behind has only gotten bigger. I see my family clinging to whatever they can to get through each day and can't help to think how different things would be if he were still here holding us all together. After I found out about my interview I picked up my phone to call him. Its the first time I've done so since he died. I wanted nothing more than to sit and talk with him about my excitement and pick his brain for what to do/say in my interview. When reality came crashing back down it felt as if an 18-wheeler slammed right into my chest. Time doesn't make this better. I know the only thing that can fill the void is seeking out my Heavenly Father. I wont lie though, sometimes that is just so much harder than it sounds. We crave the flesh, the things we can feel and see. I'd do anything to get to sit in my dad's arms one more time, to see him smile at me with those big hazel eyes and grin as I ramble on about my exciting news. It's amazing how much we take relationships for granted. It's the little things I miss most; just his presence in the house, his laughter when he tells a joke that he knows is really funny, the way he would yell at the Cowboys when they didn't do what he wanted, his gentle voice as he led our family in prayer... Its as if a vacuum sucked out the essence of him the moment I heard my mom scream. There are some sounds you just can't drown out. Tonight I just really want my dad.

Thunderstorms

2011-06-23T09:13:00.000-05:00

You know that saying, when it rains it pours? Lately I feel like my life has been a constant thunderstorm. Things are being thrown at me left and right and just when it seems that nothing else could happen, something does. Ha! You wanna know something, though? Satan doesn't get to win.

A week ago today Josh and I walked out to my car to go to lunch. When the key turned in the ignition nothing happened; click, click, click... We tried again. Nothing. Both of us let out a huge sigh and sat back, defeated, in our seats. It was well over 100 degrees and the last thing that we needed was car trouble. We figured it was a dead battery as nothing in the car was working, not even my phone charger. So we called up his parents, who just so happened to be in the area, and they came to give us a lift. With the help of my father-in-law the battery was replaced and we could all go on with our day.

That night I left a little early in order to make it to a friend's bachelorette dinner in Dallas. I was sitting at a stop sign by our house with my left blinker on preparing to turn onto a busy road. There were three cars on that road in the right turning lane and I didn't see any oncoming traffic behind them. As I pulled out I saw a car to my left flying down the road straight toward me. I screamed and shoved the gas pedal down as far as it would go but it was too late, he came slamming into my car at 60 mph sending me into a full 180 spin across the other lane. When my eyes opened I was facing the direction I had just come from. There was an overwhelming smell of burning rubber in the air, my left ear was ringing and I felt as if my chest was going to explode. Tears came bursting from my eyes as a scream escaped my lips and my entire body began to shake. I sat there in disbelief as my anxiety took over - everything from my ears down started to tingle as a woman rushed to my door and yelled in if I was okay. If you've ever dealt with anxiety you know that in a situation like this it shuts you down completely and takes over your body like a cancer spreading ferociously. My ears were still ringing and hot tears streamed down my cheeks. The woman opened my door, held my hand and asked if there was anyone I needed to call, I made a frantic call to Josh at work and then continued sitting there in my tears and shock. The next ten minutes or so were a complete blur.

Before I knew it I was being pulled out of my car and placed on a stretcher, neck held tightly by a firm brace and my body strapped down from my head to my ankles. As I looked up through blurry eyes I saw Josh arrive just as they were loading me into the ambulance. Laying on that stretcher as we made our way to a hospital downtown was absolutely miserable. My chest and neck were aching and a panic attack sent me into hyperventilation. I remember the young man that accompanied me telling me to slow my breathing as he continued on with the game of twenty questions... I looked up at the ceiling and closed my eyes as tight as they would go, more tears pouring out of my burning eyes. Through struggled breaths I managed to cry out and say, "I wish my dad were here..." I'm not sure if he understood what I said and chose to ignore it or if he didn't hear me at all but silence lingered in the air as I realized how silly I must have sounded.

After what seemed like an eternity we reached the hospital and they wheeled me to a small curtained trauma room. I knew I was in pain, but that isn't saying much because my pain tolerance is unbelievably low... They pumped morphine though the IV in my arm as the doctor made his way in to ask me questions that I had been asked already by five different people. Because I lost consciousness during the accident they had to run a series of tests, x-rays, CT scans, etc... Mom and Tony walked into my quiet little area of the hospital and the sight of them brought tears out again. Just to have someone there with me was a huge sigh of relief. Josh had been stuck back at the scene of the accident dealing with all the not so fun things that come along with car wrecks. Five hours later I was released with no broken bones and no internal injuries. For being T-boned at 60 mph on the driver's side of my car I was incredibly lucky to be walking away with a few bumps and bruises. A large helping of pain meds and muscle relaxers guided me into a deep sleep that night.

As if a trip to the hospital and having my car totaled wasn't enough I also had to deal with the police and was issued a ticket for failure to yield to oncoming traffic. For the past week Josh and I have been able to manage with one car - although I have to say I'm not sure how other people do it. We have begun the daunting task of looking for a new one and I am already exhausted. I'm left with only two bruises, one from my seat belt and one from the IV, and am feeling much better - Thank the Lord!

Yesterday as Josh pulled out of the garage on our way to work he unknowingly backed out too close to the side which resulted in a smashed side mirror on his truck. We both looked at each other as our stomachs churned and another thing was added to our list of to-do's. I have 6 days left of work, new bills that are pouring in and no promise of a job in the near future. Things are piling up and stress levels are at an all time high, but there is one thing I continue to remember through all of this. God is good, all of the time.

I may not be able to see the reasoning behind all of the misfortune in our lives as of late, but I do have faith that the Lord will be faithful in His promises. Yes, I am scared and yes I have anxieties about the road ahead but I will continue to be trusting and faithful to my Heavenly Father because He has a plan for us. And for that, I am thankful!

Weddings, Pictures, and Random Thoughts

2011-06-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

June already... Are you serious?

Where in the world did the first half of this year go? Here's a quick update on the going's on for all of you who enjoy the updates. :)

Two weeks ago I flew up to Pittsburgh for my sweet cousin, Jessica's, wedding. It was the first time I had seen some of my family members in 14 years!! Jessie's wedding day was a dream, the weather was gorgeous - despite the threat of rain in the days preceding - and it was wonderful getting to catch up with my family. Josh and Tony had to stay behind for work, but we girls had a grand ol' time.

For those of you who knew my dad well you knew that he was a brilliant photographer. He would never admit to the fact or even claim to be good, but he was very talented and definitely a natural. Some of his work hangs on the walls of the Fort Worth Pregnancy Center and he has also had images published in a book for TCU. For those of you that know me well - you know I'm kind of a picture-holic. Addicted to taking pictures. I have way too many albums on Facebook and am embarrassed of the number of "tagged photos" of myself, but there is something to say for having so many wonderful memories captured on film. :P

In my dad's passing he left behind his belongings to our family to "share and share alike." When you lose someone you love so deeply the last thing on your mind is, oh what did they leave me? I did, however, ask my mom if I could have my dad's camera. It meant the world to me. Holding the body in my hands and peering through the same lens that he looked through millions of times makes me feel somewhat still connected to him. With that being said, I've been trying to use the camera as much as possible, following in my dad's footsteps and capturing life's greatest moments picture by picture. Below are some images that I've captured over the past few months. :)

Tomorrow marks 6 months since losing Dad. I'm not sure how I'm feeling these days. It's been quite the struggle for me recently as I've started to battle anger. I am not an angry person by any stretch of the imagination so it's an incredibly difficult emotion for me to experience. I still haven't figured out where my anger is directed, but it has definitely taken its toll on me. We are just now starting down some rough roads - so please continue to lift my family up in prayer. Strength, patience, compassion, understanding and grace are things that my family is in desperate need of right now.

July 1st is my official last day of work. I start school on the 5th and finish on the 20th. I am still on the job search and am starting to feel a little weary. Faith and trust are two things that are not coming easily to me at the moment, but I do believe that God will be faithful. If I haven't found a teaching position by the start of the new school year I will apply for every substitute position possible to try and keep myself on the right path. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and encouragement - they really do help keep me going.

I hope this post wasn't too incredibly lengthy ;) As always thanks for keepin' up with us! We love you all so much!

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

2011-05-09T16:00:00.000-05:00

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me

These lyrics have been very near and dear to my heart as of late. I heard this song the other day and it brought me to tears. Why should I feel discouraged?! Jesus is my portion, my constant friend is He! I choke just trying to sing those words.

There has been a lot of change in my life recently, as you are probably well aware of. Last year I went through a lot, more than a normal person should ever have to go through, and that was all BEFORE Daddy died. I had been fighting an uphill battle with anxiety and depression and was on the verge of conquering it. I wanted to somehow symbolize my struggle and victory over these things physically and started to consider a tattoo. Now if you know me at all this is incredibly shocking, I LOVE tattoos but have never, ever wanted one. My rule was that I have to want it for a year before I can get it. I showed the design to my parents one evening at dinner and to my surprise they both really loved it, even Dad. Not three months later Daddy passed away. I decided after that, that my decision to get this tattoo was made. I went with my mom, aunt, uncle and sister and made it a reality. It is a bird, a sparrow. It reminds me that I am not alone, that God watches over me every minute, that He knows my tomorrows and my yesterdays and loves me for them. I can remember the pain I felt in those dark moments and know that there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel and for that I am so very thankful.

Now its time for even more news! I am now officially changing my career. For the past two years and some odd months I have been working as the Operations Manager for a wonderful company based out of Fort Worth. I have incredible coworkers; one of which is my husband, Josh, and the best boss anyone could ask for. Why am I leaving then, you may ask? Well, I was not made to sit in front of a computer screen for nine hours a day. I crave human interaction and time with people! Last fall I started to pray and fast. I knew that I wasn't happy where I was and knew that if I were doing what God has called me to do, that shouldn't be an issue. After much prayer it came to me; teaching.

I have NEVER ever wanted to be a teacher. I didn't think it was for me. But when I broke it all down and really thought about things I realized that it is right where God wants me. I am happiest when I am around children, when I can make them smile, teach them something new and show them how incredible this world really can be. I realized then that I wanted to teach, and I wanted to teach young children. Kindergarten to be exact. I recently passed my TExES exam (yay!) and am going to school in July (5th-20th) to obtain my alternative teaching certificate. Right now I am in the process of teacher observations. My time in the classroom has really reassured me that I am making the right choice.

I am incredibly sad to be leaving my job, like I said before, the people here are wonderful and I doubt there is a better boss than the one I have, but I have to do what the Lord is calling me to, that I know for sure. All of this to say, we could really use your prayers right now. No matter what I have to leave my job by the end of June so I can attend school full time in July. We are praying that a teaching position finds its way to me before the end of summer so I can be employed and working come the start of the new school year in August. Right now I am doing teacher observations at Dallas Park and Oakmont Elementary schools, but am not limited to the CISD. Please continue to hold us in your thoughts and prayers as we take this huge step in a new direction.

In other news, I started seeing a counselor one on one two weeks ago. Tonight will be my third session. It hasn't been long enough for me to tell if it is making a difference or not but I refuse to just give up. I know that with God anything is possible and I want to find victory over the tragedies in my life. This is not something I can do alone and have made strides in the right direction. I miss and think of my dad every single second of every day, and when I am asleep he finds his way into my dreams. It is a gnawing ache that just doesn't go away.

Right now I am finding comfort in keeping myself busy. When I am not at work or church I am at the gym or spending time with family and friends... Down time for me just doesn't happen these days. Yesterday was wonderful, we celebrated Mother's Day as a family and got to play games and eat delicious food! We spent some time at the Botanic Gardens taking pictures and then cooled off in the pool! My mother is one of the strongest, most beautiful (inside and out), loving, selfless individuals I've ever had the privilege of knowing. She is humble, sweet, compassionate and fun woman that we are all blessed to call mom and friend. Yesterday wasn't easy for any of us, but I could not be more thankful to have a close family that can act as a support system for me at all times. Happy Mother's day to the incredible "moms" in my life; My momma, Melanie Koch, Marsha Morgan, Darlene Chandler, Jane Rowe and SO many more!

Quick Recent Event Update!

2011-05-03T15:41:00.000-05:00

Is it really May already? I cannot believe how fast time is passing these days. Just a quick update on life events lately before I get into my ramblings...

My cousin Crystal was married just a couple of months ago and we all made a trip down to Clifton, Texas to celebrate their wedding with a reception. Crystal is an amazing woman and we were so happy to see her find such an exceptional man to spend the rest of her life with. The reception was wonderful and we had so much fun spending time with family.

One of my closest friends, Kellie, celebrated her birthday this past month! We all went out for dinner at Rio Mambo and then back to their apartment for dessert and games. Life has gotten so hectic and jam packed that any time we get to spend with friends is incredible.

Last month Josh and I took a day and went out to Glen Rose, Texas to do some hiking in Dinosaur Valley. We had been before but it was a breath of fresh air to get outside and enjoy the beautiful spring weather.

This past weekend Jami, Kristi and I drove out to Wichita Falls for Kim’s (Jami’s sister) bridal shower. It had been a while since I was able to spend time with the girls so we made a weekend out of it. They drove in late Friday night and spend the night and then we headed out in the morning and got back late that night. The shower was beautiful and I was overjoyed to get to spend so much time with friends I love so much!!

Life has continued to stay incredibly busy, I’m very thankful for the time to have to spend with family and friends!

The Truth is...

2011-04-13T15:23:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a while since my last post. Life always has a way of sneaking up on me and shoving me off of my feet, I find myself, more often than not, feeling like I'm living upside-down in a right-side up kind of world.

People deal with grief differently. I don't know what "people" I align with at this point in time. Some days I feel like I'm coping "normally" and others I feel like I should be checking myself into the crazy house. I've realized that it is easier for me to write when things are feeling better, when I'm feeling hopeful and I can see that light at the end of the tunnel. It's when I'm faced with my demons and my depression and hurt that I don't write because of the things I fear will come out.

The truth is.... I feel abandoned. I sit here, crying as I write this. It's not easy to say, or even to feel. A lot of you may not know this but I hated my dad for a good two years. The day after Christmas 2003, my dad and mom called my brother and I upstairs to talk. Mom was deathly quiet and Dad had been crying. I thought they were about to tell us that someone in the family had passed. I was nieve and 17. Then my dad spoke, "I asked your mom for a divorce this morning." Tears streamed from his face and I remember feeling like my heart had fallen into my toes. My eyes widened, burning like fire and my jaw hung open as if I had suddenly lost all control of my muscles. I didn't believe what he said. Everything from that moment on was a blur. I remember him saying something about just not being happy and needing to figure things out, that he hadn't been happy in life for some time. I left the house in a rush that morning and got to work 5 minutes late. I walked into Pac Sun and as soon as I saw my manager tears streamed down my face. They got someone to cover for my shift and I don't remember where I went or what I did, but I don't think I came back home for two days. After that I didn't much talk to my dad. He moved out and got an apartment just down the road. I finished my senior year of high school and when the time came for me to go to college Dad decided that he and mom were going to make things work. As the truck unloaded my things at my dorm in Denton it turned around back to Fort Worth and brought my dad's things back home.

I harbored a lot of resentment toward my dad for all of the sleepless nights he caused my mom. All of the tears I had to watch fall from her blood shot blue eyes. It took me two years to forgive my dad. Two years before we sat side by side on the couch in their living room and I said I forgive you dad, and I love you. After that things were different. It wasn't perfect right away but I slowly started to realize how similar we were. Over the past couple of years my dad had become one of my best friends. The one person I would trust with anything. He was a vault, and so wise beyond his years. He loved me effortlessly and wanted nothing more than my time and love. We were chemically wired the same. High anxiety, very compassionate people who have hearts that feel to the extreme. It made our conversations about our lives and our feelings so much easier because he could relate completely and he understood my words, how I felt and for once in my life I didn't feel like an outsider. I didn't feel too "needy," I didn't feel too "emotional." I was his daughter and he was so proud of that. In return I couldn't have been more proud of my dad.

The truth is... He is gone. And as much as I try to busy my life up to cover up that reality, it doesn't change the facts. My dad took his own life in an attempt to free himself from the hurt and anxiety and depression that had pushed him past his breaking point. I've spent the past four months standing up for my dad. Telling everyone that I am not mad at him, that I feel empathy toward him and can't imagine what he was going through, what was so terrible that could make him take his own life. And I am still not mad at him.

I feel abandoned. I feel like the one person that told me he would always just be a phone call away is no longer a phone call away. I can write to him in my journals and talk to him when I'm feeling alone but the truth is, he can't talk back. The truth is... My dad's ashes sit on a shelf in his office in a beautiful blue vase. I sat in his chair today and looked up at those ashes and goosebumps covered my entire body. My dad, those big hazel eyes, his charming smile, his laugh that could pull anyone out of sadness, that huge heart and strong, soft hands, and the arms that held me tight for 24 years are all sitting on a shelf collecting dust.

I can't help but feel a slight ping of jealousy when I see a daughter taking her dad for granted. Seeing a teenage girl go out for a night on the town with her friends while her dad sits at home dwelling on the times when he was her number one man, when there was no one better, stronger or more handsome than her dad. I'd do absolutely anything to get to hug my dad one more time. To get to look in his eyes and tell him how much he means to me, how I wish I could take back all of the years that I harbored animosity towards him. I see some of our friends who are dads to little girls, these adorable girls who have them wrapped around their finger. Little girls clinging to a chain link fence at a softball game yelling, "go Daddy, go!" I feel robbed. I feel cheated. I feel completely left behind. Abandoned. I see myself at that same fence looking for my dad, the one I can cheer for. He's nowhere to be found. And now I'm here, stuck in this pile of broken heart mixed with tears and emotions I never knew existed.

Life is not easy. Death is not easy. Coping and grieving are not easy. Lately there are a lot of days that I want to quit. I find daily tasks more difficult, my mind wandering and finding it hard to focus. I feel overwhelmed and it all comes down to feeling like my dad, the strongest, most handsome, amazing, incredible man in the entire world, the one that i had wrapped around my finger, the one that would smile for hours after a five minute cuddle from me, has abandoned me. My entire family. The rock of our home crumbled into ashes and we are all stuck sitting in them trying to figure out how to put things back together. I know this sounds like I'm throwing the biggest pity party of the century, I am not trying to. I'm being raw and honest and sometimes that gets me into trouble. But I feel like if I'm not honest, what am I?

I have a really long road ahead of me. And yes, today it seems nearly impossible because I can't even seem to see what I'm going to be doing in ten minutes. I do know that God has a reason and a purpose for everything and I try my hardest to cling to that, but I am human and sometimes its easier to just sit in a pile of tears and feel bad for myself. Today is that kind of day. I'm having to reshape my thinking, my emotions, my entire life all because my dad was out of options. All I can do is hope and pray that I am never sitting where he was that Tuesday afternoon, feeling helpless, alone and completely out of options.

I love my Daddy very much. More than any words have the capacity to convey. I am hurt, however, hurt by his actions because he left behind one hell of a family and a lot of life long friends who are all having to pick up pieces and try to figure things out all over again. One step forward three steps back, something like that. All of this to say, I haven't written because I haven't wanted to be that person who brings everyone down. It's easier to be the uplifter, the encourager, the person who brings light to the world. The hardest thing for me is this. To be raw and honest in saying that today I am not okay. Today I feel alone and abandoned. Today sucks. And that is that.

Stay tuned for a much more uplifting and happy blog... I'm sure they will follow. :)

Three Months Down... Several Hundred To Go

2011-03-15T14:31:00.000-05:00

Three months ago yesterday I got to hear my Dad's voice for the last time. Everyday I close my eyes and replay his words in my head over and over so I can make sure that I never forget any of it. I want to remember the tone, his inflection, his breath, his emotion. I never want to forget those last minutes I got to have with my dad.

I love this picture of us at my 23rd Birthday Party... He was the best dad, ever.

The 14th has become a dreaded number for our family. It marks a day of intense pain and grief. As I've stated before, we've decided to make the 14th of every month a family day in order to continue to grow together as a family and to move through this together. It has been a wonderful tradition that I really look forward to upholding.

This past weekend was a difficult one for me. Friday night our long-time, family friends, the Cooks, spent their last night in Texas. We drove out to Grapevine and met up with the Cooks at Fireside Pies for some pizza. It was great sitting at this big table with so many people that we love. After dinner we headed to their hotel and got to do a little swimming with the kids. They have four beautiful children that I am completely in love with. 2 handsome boys and 2 incredible gorgeous daughters. The night flew by though and before I knew it we were saying our goodbyes. As I hugged Bekah tears welled up in my eyes, she and her husband, Josh, were the ones that gave Josh and I our premarital counseling. I've known them since I was a young teen and they have made such an impact on my life. Saying goodbye to them was incredibly difficult. Bekah looked at me and said, "Ya know, Nic, Josh and I were thinking, why did God move us to Texas for these past three years? What is it that he wanted us here for, and we realized it was so that we could have three more years with your dad." I couldn't hold back my tears because I knew she was right. Had they have stayed in Tennessee they would have been one of the many who had to receive a distant phone call on that dreadful night. As hard as it is to see them go we know that God has greater things in store for their family and I continue to love and miss them until we get to be reunited again.

Nikki flew in from California Friday night and was able to spend time with everyone before they left as well. On Saturday I spent the day at Mom's house just goofing around. Athena and I had a great time playing "Horse" outside with our basketball. I realized that I am not very graceful, shocker, and that Athena has some half way decent skills. But no one can do a granny, in between the legs, shot like I can. While we were outside the ice cream man drove up. I cannot remember the last time that I got ice cream from one of these places... It was really fun. Mom, Bug, Nikki and I sat on the curb eating our treats and smiling at the beautiful day. It really was amazing. That night Mom, Nicki and Bug came over for dinner and desert and we played Settlers of Catan. Kevin was even able to come and join us for the game.

Sunday was a relaxing day for the most part. Sunday morning I woke up at 6:20 (which was REALLY 5:20 with this whole spring forward deal) and got ready for church. I sang in both services so it was a long morning, but very fun. I was so flustered after the first service, however, as the screen with the words in the back of the sanctuary froze during one of the songs I was leading... The second verse came up and my mind went completely blank. I froze. I felt completely embarrassed. It happens, though... right? Haha. Besides, it's not about me! Everything we do sounds beautiful to the Lord, even when we forget the words. :)

I had rehearsal again Sunday night and then enjoyed the rest of the evening at home with Josh. He spend the whole day ironing his shirts (how lucky am I?) while I sat on the couch clearing the DVR of all of my episodes of Bones. :) Quite relaxing.

Last night, as it was the 14th, we all met up at Uncle Julios for dinner. The whole family, even Nikki. Dinner was incredible, I think most of us ended up with the Carne Asada and some delicious margaritas. After dinner the girls went to mom's for another game of Catan in which Melanie kicked all of our butts.

I have to say, with everything that is going on in my life, the loss of dad, dealing with other daily issues, some things going on with close friends.... I still feel incredibly blessed. I have a great job. A husband who loves me, an incredible, reliable, close-nit family and some amazing friends. It is hard to complain when you look on the bright side of things.

Tonight, because of spring break, there is no group counseling. I'm pretty bummed as I have come to look forward to the evenings at the Warm Place. But I have been taking time out of my day to focus on my grief and have even been writing more letters to Dad. Because there is no group I get to watch Josh's softball game tonight. His dad has joined the team as well, so it is a family affair. I'm looking forward to watching the guys play. Hopefully I'll get some good pictures and some video as well. :)

I really appreciate all of you that take the time to read these random ramblings of mine. It is just my way of getting the clutter out of my brain so I can think a little more clearly, but I feel so loved knowing that so many of you read and support us. You all bless me more than you could possibly know. I am so thankful. :)

Session 5 and a Rough Week

2011-03-10T08:57:00.000-06:00

This week started off a little rough. On Monday I received a copy of Dad's autopsy report. There were a lot of questions that I still had about what happened that day and I needed them answered for closure. Little did I know how in depth this report would be. 10 very vivid pages of description. 10. I got the report while I was still at work and it was really difficult to finish out the day, but I did. Later that night Mom and Athena came over and we spent some much needed time with one another.

The report was unimaginatively difficult to read. It painted a picture so vivid and I have not been able to shake it from my mind. I want to remember Dad as he was before; smiling, laughing, loving, taking pictures, napping on the couch, taking me on dates, and being the best man he could be, which was pretty dern good if you ask me. I'm sure that someday I will be able to see that, and only that. But this week that has not been the case.

I had my 5th session of group counseling on Tuesday. It was the smallest class yet, only 4 of us showed up that night. Next week is spring break (seriously, what is spring break? I sure don't get one) so we will not be meeting that week. Our opening question was, in lieu of next week's absence of class, what are you going to do to take the time to sit down and focus on your grief? I had no idea. I've come to really look forward to Tuesday nights and I'm really sad that we wont be meeting next week. I jokingly said that I would just show up and cry on the front porch - that was immediately discouraged. Haha. But I said that I want to do things that relax me so I can focus, I want to continue with my journaling and work on the list of things I am needing in order to gain closure on his death.

Next they passed out journals. We were instructed to write a letter to the person we lost. It didn't need to be about anything specific... just write to them as you would talk to them right now. I wrote three pages. *SHOCKER* Afterward they asked us if there was any specific theme to our writings. Mine jumped all over the place; I miss you, I'm angry at John but I don't want to be and I want him to find the Lord and find forgiveness through Him, I hope you're still proud of me now that you can look down on me and see all of my demons, there is so much I need to tell you, so much unfinished business, the house feels empty now that you are gone, I miss your laugh, I miss your smell, I miss your hand on mine, I miss your heartbeat, I miss your eyes.... etc... it opened up an avenue for them to ask a lot of questions that were really difficult for me to answer. As I talked through my choking throat and teary eyes I responded to one of their questions, "Do you think your dad would still be proud of you now?" I know he is. I know that no matter how much of my life he can see he would still be proud of me. "What do you think your dad would want for your life now?" He would want me to lean into the Lord, to ask God for comfort, direction, peace. It was rough. Rough, but good. I'll definitely be missing it next week.

Yesterday was especially difficult for me as well, I can't figure out why but I was an emotional wreck. I composed myself enough to get to the church for pre-K choir and was exhausted as I sat in the room waiting for the kids to show up. I had 8 kids last night, one of the biggest groups in a while. At the start of class we were all sitting around a table coloring pages that spoke about how God loves you and me. The little girls started talking about Disney World, I sat between two of them and said, "Oh I've never been! But I hope that someday, when I have kids of my own, that I'll be able to go!" The sweet girl to my left looked up at me with her big, sparkly brown eyes and innocently said, "Well you have a daddy!" I smiled through my sadness and said;
"Well, no sweetheart I don't have a daddy."
She looks at me confused...
"I did have a daddy."
"What happened?"
"He died."
She looks up at me with sad eyes, now the entire table's attention was on me. As I sat there squatted down looking at them I had to keep my composure. Another little one chimed in:
"Where did he die?"
I choked for a moment, realizing I couldn't explain to a 4 year old that my perfectly healthy 48 year old dad took his own life. I quickly responded,
"He died at work."
"What happened?"
"He was ready to be with Jesus..."
"He was old wasn't he?"
I laughed, thinking, that is probably the only type of death these precious children have seen or heard about...
"He was older, yes. But he was ready to be with Jesus, and now he is in Heaven and someday I will get to see him again."
The conversations were moved into a different topic as class started. It was the first time I had to tell a child about losing my dad. I think I handled it pretty decently, but inside my heart was crushed. These kids are so full of life and happiness, I miss those days where the only type of grieving you had was if you lost a pet gold fish. Boy how things change as you get older.

I'm VERY happy that today is Thursday. One day closer to Friday :). Nikki comes in again this weekend, she will be here tomorrow actually! And I am really looking forward to her hugs and smiles. Our very close family friends will be moving back to Tennessee this weekend so tomorrow night we will be spending time with them and saying our "see you laters."

Needless to say, I am really looking forward to the weekend, to a break from reality and some good quality time with my family. Please continue to pray that we all stay strong through this horrific time, that we all lean into our God and find our strength and peace through Him and not down any other type of avenue. It is so easy to take advantage of a situation like this and fall into bad habits. I pray that this doesn't happen for my family.

This Sunday I am leading two songs in the early service. Both are absolutely beautiful... One in particular has spoken to me this week. I'll end with its beautiful lyrics.

No mountain, no valley

No gain or loss we know

Could keep us from Your love

No sickness, no secret

No chain is strong enough

To keep us from Your love

How high, how wide

No matter where I am

Healing is in Your hands

How deep, how strong

Now by Your grace I stand

Healing is in Your hands

Our present, our future

Our past is in Your hands

We’re covered by Your blood

In all things, we know that

We are more than conquerors

You keep us by Your love

Celebrations of Life

2011-03-08T09:23:00.000-06:00

One of my absolute, tip of the top, best friends turned 25 at the end of February. In typical fashion we all got together to celebrate her life. Jami Lynn Gilkerson has been one of my best friends now for over 6 years. We were roommates during my last year of college and we've been super close ever since.

For her birthday she wanted to go out to dinner with her close friends and then go out dancing afterward. Since I live so far from everyone I drove up early to spend a little extra time catching up with Jami, then we both got ready for the night together. Sometimes the getting ready part can be more fun than the going out part. I love when that happens. :)

Once Kristi got to their apartment we all loaded up in the car and headed towards Cool River in Irving where we met up with the rest of the group. We sat down to a delicious dinner and enjoyed the evening deep in conversations all across the table. It was really nice seeing everyone. Dinner ended so late that I ended up passing on the going out after part and headed back home, but I really enjoyed my time celebrating my lovely friend.

Here's to another wonderful year, Jami! I love you bunches and bunches!!!

Session 4

2011-03-02T13:36:00.000-06:00

Last night was my fourth group counseling session. My heart was pounding out of my chest when I walked into the room this time. I think because last week was so difficult for me, I was having a lot of anxiety about what the night would have in store. As I walked in, 2 minutes before 7:00 the group moderator says, "oh, we were just talking about you!" My heart pounded even harder... I am not sure why I get such terrible anxiety.

I've struggled with anxiety my entire life and up until last year was able to overcome it with self treatment and lots of prayer. After a big episode and an awful panic attack last year I was put on medication to help treat my day to day anxiety. It is the same medication my Dad was on, I'm tellin ya we were wired the same. :) Anyway, all of that to say its been very helpful until the past week or so. I've been having bouts of really terrible anxiety right before bed and whenever I'm in a large group of people. It's really frustrating. My heart will start to beat out of my chest, my breathing becomes strained - almost to the point of choking and my mind races like a freight train. The sad thing is most of the time there is no reason for it. Anyway... All of that to say, I've felt a little overwhelmed and high strung, not to mention exhausted from a lack of sleep. So I went into the session trying to leave all of that at the door.

Our activity for the night was an interesting one. It was called sand art. We were each given a large tray into which they poured some sand. We spread the sand out and drew a line down the center from top to bottom with our fingers. They then proceeded to pour out two large tubs of toys into the center of the room. I'm sitting here on the floor thinking, what in the world are we doing? How is this going to help with my grief? I didn't come here to make crafts and play with toys.

He instructed us to pick an object for each member of our family that described or resembled them before the death of our loved one. Including the loved one who has passed. After the left side was finished we were instructed to pick another object for each person to describe or resemble them after the death. There was quite a large group last night so you can imagine how long this process took. It's difficult to try and pick a toy or an object to describe someone. After everyone finished we went around the room showing each object and explaining who it was for and why. Then we went back around the circle and did the same for the after death objects.

It was really interesting to see the different objects used and the different placements of the objects on the sand. Some had up to 20 pieces on their tray, some had as little as 6. I will describe my tray... But for the sake of respecting my family members I will only describe the objects I used for myself and for my dad.

On the left side (before death) I found a blond polly pocket doll (probably a toy from McDonald's). When it was my turn to explain my object I said that before my dad died I was happy go lucky. I was everyone's friend and always looking to the bright side of things. Always the optimist never the pessimist. (Ok maybe never is not the right word, but most of the time :) ) I was high spirited, smiling, energetic and loved being with friends and family.

It was really difficult picking an object out for my dad. I saw a tree and a bike and thought yeah those were things he liked... but they didn't describe who he was. Then I saw these little feet. They looked like the glow in the dark stars you put on your ceiling, ya know the flat slightly green look? Anyway, I saw them and instantly thought of Dad. I told the group that I picked the feet because my dad was the person we all looked up to, the person we all strived to be more like. He was the leader of our family emotionally, financially and spiritually. I wanted to walk in his footsteps. We all did. They fit perfectly.

Then I had to describe the object I had picked for the right side of the tray for myself (after death). I saw this broken glass box with a handle on the top, it looked like at one point it was a little clear carrier for a my little pony or some sort of fast food restaurant toy. I put it together so that it didn't look broken. Then I described it... After my dads death I feel like a shell of who I was. I still feel strong, like the glass that makes up the walls of this box, but I also feel very fragile... and then broke the box down. I said that my faith has kept me strong, knowing that I have God to lean on and to give me comfort and strength but at the same time I am empty inside. My heart is shattered and I am clueless on how to pick up the pieces and put it back together. I know that the future is bright, and I do not want to let my dad's death define who I am. But right now, 11 weeks have passed and I am still this shell. I have a difficult time being myself in large groups, I find my anxiety levels spiked for no reason at all. I feel like there is definitely a drastic change in who I am as compared to who I was. It may only be evident to some, and that is okay... but those who know me- Really and truly know me - they can see a difference. I definitely feel a difference.

I don't necessarily try to put on a smile or fake being happy. There are times where I do feel it is necessary but for the most part I wear my emotions on my sleeve, my shirt, my pants, my shoes, my face.... Everywhere :). Looking back on last night I am trying to find meaning in the activity. Trying to find out the relevance to how it relates to my journey of healing and grieving. Right now I am still not quite sure. I realize that my entire family has changed. No one is the same as they were before we lost Daddy.

Being forced to talk about the "tough stuff" has its pros and cons. It has really helped to talk about it, get it off of my chest. But at the same time it forces you to go through the grieving process. So naturally there are a lot of rough moments throughout the week. I know it's a little backwards but I'll end this post with our group introduction from last night.

We were asked to say our name, who died, and then to choose a color that best describes our feelings about the death, about our grief. It was an odd question. How can I put my emotions into a color? Especially emotions so scattered. I ended up saying my color was a mixture of grey and red. Grey because things seem hazy, foggy... I feel a little lost and am finding it difficult to see through to the other side. Red was new for me last night. Actually it just started this week. Anger. Not anger towards my dad. I am not mad at him for what he did, I cannot judge him for his actions, it is not my place. I love him and want to pay him every respect that he so rightfully deserves. I am angry with the situation. I am very upset that we still do not have a lot of details about his death. Lockheed is a wonderful company and I would never slander their name. My dad worked for them for 25 years and I am very thankful for that. I am however really frustrated that we are not being updated on the process of what is happening to his boss. I am angry that there is no closure. I am angry that I feel like things are being hidden and kept secret from us. We are his family... The people who knew him best, we deserve to know every detail. Unfortunately, as a government run entity, Lockheed can only tell us so much. And this, this makes me angry. I am praying for this anger to fade. Trying to give it to God. His hands are infinitely large and can hold even the heaviest of emotions and tragedies. As a human though, I want to cling to these feelings and bask in my anger and sadness. Unfortunately, if I continue to do so I will never move past where I am right now. My dad would not have that. :)

So I continue down this road, whatever you want to call it, and pray that things continue to get better. I will never get my dad back. I have to stop wishing for it. Today I sit here at my desk feeling a little glimmer of hope. I know that its a long road but I am resting in the knowledge that I WILL get to see my daddy again someday. Most of the time that is not enough for me, I am selfish and I want him now... but the choice was not mine to make. So now I make the choice to live my life the best I can, follow the path that God has laid out for me and look forward to that day we meet again. It will be a beautiful, wonderful, glorious day.

Weekend in Austin

2011-02-28T16:35:00.000-06:00

I haven't really done much writing on catchin you up with our lives lately. Guess now would be a good time. :)

Two weekends ago Josh took me down to Austin for a weekend away. We stayed with his aunt and uncle while we were there. Their home was absolutely beautiful and it was great getting to catch up with family.

We got into Austin Friday night and Carol and Bob took us out to Salt Lick BBQ. This place was awesome, there were SO many people there. The atmosphere is just as amazing as the food. They had a live band outside and the weather was perfect. We really enjoyed getting to finally try Salt Lick and our time chatting with family.

Saturday we slept in and had a wonderful breakfast complements of Carol - and Bob... He shot an Elk last year and we were lucky enough to have some elk sausage. It was actually really tasty. A little weird though considering the elk was mounted on the wall right in front of me. I felt like he was staring me down as I ate him. Yeah- a little weird.

After breakfast they showed us around town - a side of Austin I had never seen before. We had a delicious lunch and then visited the Capitol. It was my first time ever getting to see the Capitol up close. It's simply beautiful and SO big. After that we all went to see True Grit and I loooooved it!

The weekend was really refreshing, but I was happy to get back home on Sunday. There really is no place like home. :)

Beloved

2011-02-24T10:37:00.000-06:00

So thankful for a God who provides comfort and wisdom and hope at the perfect moments. I've heard this song so many times but it's never struck a chord in me until today... I hope it touches your heart the way it did mine.

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'am the giver of life
I'll clothe you in whine
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life

Cause you're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
& it binds you to me

You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery
It's a mystery

Beloved - Tenth Avenue North

Psalm 71:20-21 & Session 3

2011-02-23T10:31:00.000-06:00

** I FEEL AS THOUGH THIS BLOG NEEDS A WARNING: IF YA DON'T WANT TO CRY OR FEEL SAD, OR FEEL ANY EMOTION BUT HAPPY AND SEE SUNSHINE, BUTTERFLIES AND RAINBOWS, THEN STOP HERE**

Last night as I embarked on my 20 minute drive to the Warm Place I had an aching burn in my stomach, a frog in my throat and a feeling of hopelessness. I've described it before as feeling like I'm a shell of who I used to be. This week that has really come true.

Group started just as it always does, feet flat on the floor, eyes closed, deep breathing... During my time of "not thinking" this time I couldn't help but think. The past two times I have gone to this field, its these beautiful rolling hills covered in waist high amber colored grass, the wind making beautiful patterns on them as the sun shines down from behind me. Alone. Smiling. Breathing. This time I just couldn't make it there. I closed my eyes and saw pain. I saw despair, I saw a hole in my soul and a broken heart. As I opened my eyes one of the instructors looked right at me as if he knew exactly what I just saw. He asked me if I was okay, what I was thinking, asked if I had brought something in with me to group tonight. All I could muster out was a nod, as my eyes flooded with tears. We then went around the group and said the normal introduction mumbo jumbo, "Hi, my name is Nicki, I lost my dad, his name was Galen." Each person took their turn and then we started our activity for the night.

They put in an episode of a sitcom I had never seen before. It's about this family of 5, a mom, dad, son and two daughters. It started off with the two girls arguing over something trivial and the son coming down for breakfast. The phone rings and the mom answers. She sits down. Stops breathing. The next scene is them sitting together as a family crying.... their dad had died of a heart attack while grabbing some items at the grocery store. As the episode went on each character went through a different type of emotion. They had to put his clothes away, the wife had to look at an empty bed and decide whether or not she wanted to sleep in it, the kids played the what if, if only, game.... I had to hold my breath and look away countless times throughout the show. I tore my lip to pieces biting at it so hard until it bled. I couldn't look around the room, I couldn't make eye contact with anyone. I was reliving every single second of the day and days after Dad's death.

The episode ended and again the male instructor looked straight at me. "Nicki? What are you thinking? What about this episode has made you cry? What is the reason for your tears?" I just looked at him through the blur of burning tears. No words would form. I took a breath, made a quick glance around a room of eyes looking right into my soul. I started to talk, nothing came out but an awkward, uncontrollable sob. I put my hands up and apologized. Shook my head, I couldn't talk. I ended up mustering out something about the fact that the video just made me relive everything all over again and that it was simply too much to handle. I zoned out after they moved on from me and group was over in a flash. I cried the entire way home. I cried when I got home. It seems that I was wrong about crying so much that you just don't have anymore tears.

One particular moment that stands out to me today is when the mother character was asked, what can I do for you, is there anything I can do? She replied helplessly with, can you bring him back? I cannot tell you how many times someone has asked me that question with good intentions. What do you need? I need my Dad.... I know its not fair to respond in that manner, it makes the person asking uncomfortable and it only hurts me more, but it is true. Everything else around you becomes trivial... The only thing that you can think about is getting that person back.

I have a lot of unfinished conversations with my dad. I have a lot of things that I need to ask him. Things that I want to tell him, things he'd be so proud of. And every time I grab my phone I see his name on my list... I haven't called the number, afraid that someone else will answer and my dad's relation to that number will have been wiped away.

All of this to say.... I've been told by many people that there is no RIGHT way to grieve. I will have great progress for a week, maybe two and then all of a sudden, out of absolutely nowhere, will fall down the hill and smack my face on the brick wall at the bottom. -- Okay, I'm being a little dramatic... But when you're feeling down dramatic is the only thing you know.

So today I took solace in this verse. All I can do is continue to pray that the Lord will give me strength and bring me comfort, that in the end when I finally get to Heaven, this pain and sorrow will melt away. I am looking forward to that day, that day where I get to meet my maker and see my daddy again.

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Psalm 71:20-21

Session 2 and whatnot

2011-02-22T16:00:00.000-06:00

Last week I had my second group therapy session. This time was a lot less awkward. I knew the people in the room and felt like I could be myself. It started off, like every session does, with eyes closed, deep breathing and absolutely no thinking. It helps to clear the mind of any of the day's anxieties or stresses. After that we go around and say a little something each. I swear I giggle every time our "counselor" introduces himself, "Hello my name is .... and ....." I always think of, "Hello, my name is Nicki and I am an alcoholic." :-D

Anyway, we then moved onto what that night had in store. They had a backpack filled with rocks, each person had to put the backpack on and walk around carrying the weight. The rocks in the bag each had an emotion or feeling on them, it was to represent the struggle it can be when we walk around with emotions, feelings and anxieties in our head and hearts. Most said the backpack wasn't too heavy, I picked it up and it made me fall back over, haha. Anyway, the rock I pulled had the word CONFIDENCE written on it. The two before me got ENVY and GUILT, and I get confidence?! We had to use that word and relate it to how we are feeling about the death of our loved one. I literally looked up and said, are you kidding me? My dad just committed suicide two months ago and you want me to tell you how its made me confident?!

I sat there with tears in my eyes trying to think about how it has made me more confident. The one thing that popped into my head was that suddenly, pretty much after he passed, I lost my fear of singing in front of other people. He always loved it so much when I'd sing, he made it to almost every choir concert and musical I attended, he even went to take pictures while we practiced. He was so proud of me and always wanted me to be less shy when people asked me to sing. He was the one who really encouraged me to start playing guitar. I feel like I suddenly have the strength and confidence to sing out loud and use the gifts God has given me. I never really put the two together until that night. I cried saying that I wish he were here to see it, to be proud, to hold me and tell his friends how much he loves me. They asked me if he'd be proud and I said yes... I just wish I could see and feel it.

The night went on and other rocks were pulled, HOPE, ANGER, REGRET.... All of those got me thinking, each one applied to me and how I am dealing with this. It was a wonderful night full of sharing and growing, but it has made for quite a hard week.

Monday was Valentine's Day... It was also the 14th. The two month mark. Instead of going out on a date alone with Josh we decided to stick with our new tradition of dinner and games with the entire family every 14th of the month. Josh made amazing steaks and we had yummy green beans, asparagus, baked potatoes, and garlic bread. After dinner we played a game of Farkle, Mel got lucky and won... But I was second place so I'm not too bitter. :)

I won't lie to you, I am definitely struggling. There are days where I think, I'll be just fine.... and then there are days where I feel like I just can't make it through the morning. Getting out of bed is extremely difficult. For the past week or so he has been in my dreams every single night. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing yet. All I know is that I miss him desperately. I know we all do. I just wear it on my sleeve.

I'm attending my third session tonight and have no idea what is in store, but I'm actually looking forward to it. I want growth, I want help, I want to feel semi normal again. I truly think that this will help me. That and the power of prayer. I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength. To God be ALL of the glory even in the darkest times of our lives.

Session 1

2011-02-10T17:30:00.001-06:00

Tuesday night was my first group counseling session at the Warm Place. There are 10 of us in the group, all between the ages of 19-25, I think I am the oldest. There are two moderators that are in the room with us to keep things rolling and keep everyone on topic, they have both had a lot of experience in this sensitive area of losing a loved one and were very nice.

At first I was really nervous. I wasn't looking forward to sharing my story with strangers. But the atmosphere was very welcoming. We all went around the room and introduced ourselves and then each had the opportunity to pass around a picture of the loved one we had lost and to tell why we were there. Stories ranged from loss of parents due to natural causes, to loss of siblings, aunts, etc... Every story was difficult to hear and you could tell that each person was feeling such a loss in their life.

Some were there for their second session, having gotten so much from the first 8 weeks that they wanted to come back for another. Everything that is said in group is confidential and I plan on keeping it that way, but there was a girl sitting next to me, couldn't be more than 20 and her story just pierced my heart. It was almost refreshing to be around a group of people who share a similar pain.

Telling the story of how Dad died was very difficult for me. I am the only one in group who has lost a family member to suicide. I'm hoping that throughout the next few weeks I'll learn a lot and grow from everything that has happened. I'm really glad that I'm going to this despite the anxiety I feel in sharing such intimate details of my thoughts and feelings. Please continue to pray for me and my family as we walk down this road to our "new" lives. It hasn't even been two months yet and things are still so shaken.

On a happier note, tonight is Athena's last basketball home game of the season. We are getting ready to head out and cheer her on. I can't believe its the end of her Freshman basketball season. Dad would be SO proud of her. I know I am. :)

Little Life Update

2011-02-08T17:04:00.000-06:00

It's about time for another post! Things have been pretty quiet around here, last week we were completely stuck at home in the snow storm. There are many perks to working from home, unfortunately when you work from home snow days do not exist. So as our friends and family were at home enjoying their snow days we were at home working away. Needless to say I got cabin fever very quickly and as soon as the sun was out drying up the snow I was out of the house.

Friday evening was spent with my family at Mom's house, we finally got together and watched the last two episodes of Dexter. It was a show that Dad got us all into and we watched it as a family (minus Athena, just too young for that kind of show) every Sunday night. After Dad died we still had two episodes left and it was just too difficult to watch, but we finally sat down and got to enjoy the end of the season.

Saturday was my mother in law's birthday, so we took her out to lunch with the family to Uncle Julios. The food was wonderful and she seemed to really have a good time. Later that night I got all dressed up to go into Dallas to "work." I've been doing promotional modeling for the past 5 years or so now and sometimes I get asked to do really awesome events. This was one of them. I was asked to dress up, as if I were going out with the girls, and show up at the DirectTV VIP Super Bowl Party in Dallas. All I had to do was hang out with attendees and enjoy the night and I got paid to do it!!! Samantha Ronson was the guest DJ and Usher came and performed. It was a really great night and I had a ton of fun, it definitely didn't feel like work. :) Here's some pics of me and a couple other of the girls. Three of them were sisters, and they were all so sweet.

Sunday was our Friends' Sunday at church and Bob Lilly, a former Super Bowl winning Cowboy, came to Travis to speak. Before church I had the chance to be close to him, I didn't walk up and shake his hand, I couldn't muster up the strength. Not because I was star struck, but because all I could think was, Daddy would have LOVED to meet him. Later that night we headed over to our friend's Michael and Kim's house for the Super Bowl. The girls had one room and the guys were in another. The food was incredible and the company was even better. This is the first super bowl that I've watched the entire way through. It was a blast.

Tonight is my first night of group counseling. I've been having a little bit of a difficult time processing everything that has happened in the past month and a half. Losing Dad has completely rocked my world in the worst possible way and I am struggling to keep my head up daily. God is so good, and I do lean on him but probably not as much as I aught to be. Someone suggested to me this place where young adults of like ages get together and talk about the experience of losing a loved one. Each person in the group is between the ages of 19-27 and has recently lost a loved one. There will be 8 weeks of sessions, every Tuesday night. It is supposed to help me process his death, deal with things that are going on, and to relate to others who have been in similar situations. I have to admit that I'm a little anxious. I'm not looking forward to breaking down in front of a bunch of strangers, but I know that this is a safe place and that I won't be the only one there who cries. Our assignment for tonight, being the first night, is to bring a picture of the loved one that we have lost. It's been really hard for me to pick a picture of Daddy to bring. There are so many good ones and they all make me cry. I just know holding that photo up tonight in front of these people will break me down- but maybe that's what I need right now. Who knows. :)

I am still blessed everyday by some amazing friends and my wonderful family. I cannot complain because I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and people to love. But I do miss my dad every minute. People keep telling me that wont change, that I'll just learn how to deal with it. Not sure how that will happen or when it will come, but until then I'll keep missing him and trying to grow from the experience.

Thanks so much for keeping up with us and what's going on in my small life. Your words of encouragement, emails and messages have really been uplifting and its encouraging to see so many people come together to show their love and support. We love you all and continue to ask for your prayers. :)

Getting into the Swing of Things

2011-01-31T10:48:00.001-06:00

There really isn't much normality in my life these days. I don't know what kind of emotion will grab at me or what the day will bring, but I have been dying for some familiarity in my life. So! I have started getting back into doing the things I love. I'm playing more guitar and singing as much as possible, I've started reading and spending more time with friends and I've gotten back into some modeling.

This past Saturday I met a wonderful photographer named Marco Rosales and we did a photoshoot in a junk yard. It was a beautiful day and I had so much fun! Here are the images that he sent me!

I'll be attending a VIP super bowl party this Saturday night as well for promotional modeling. I get paid to show up to a party, mingle and pretty much just be an "extra." I'm really looking forward to that, too!

Funny how He works...

2011-01-26T12:46:00.002-06:00

I keep a journal. Though I don't write in it as much as I need or would like to, it has brought me a lot of comfort in the past months.

Today while looking through the pages I came across an entry dated 12-14-2010. I stopped in my tracks, completely forgetting that I had written in my journal that morning. The Sunday before I woke up very early in the morning, struggling, feeling down about who I was and wondering who it is that God wants me to be. Monday night after the phone call from my dad I was troubled but wanted to keep the focus on making myself better. Tuesday morning I wrote in my journal, this is just an excerpt from the entry:

"Lord, I pray that you will give me the knowledge to do your will and the ability to make the right decisions and choices in my life. Let my thoughts be of you and my choices be yours. I want to follow your path with full faith that you are right beside me, guiding me."

Later that day my dad committed suicide. Little did I know, I was about to need God's strength and purpose for my life more than ever.

It's been over a month and I still find myself wanting to dig a hole and climb right on in. I'm pretty sure that feeling wont go away for quite some time. I've come to realize that the only way I am going to make it through is by leaning completely and fully on Him. Music brings me closer to my God, I'm not sure why but it always has. This morning as I sit here typing this an OLD song came on Pandora, but it is perfect for me right now. God works in funny ways sometimes, but I sure am glad that He is still working in me.

Find me here, speak to me
I want to feel You, I need to hear You
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose, You're everything

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall
You steal my heart, and You take my breath away
Would You take me in, take me deeper now

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

'Cause You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything

You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything

And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

-Everything, Lifehouse.

Birthday Festivities - 25

2011-01-25T10:26:00.000-06:00

January 18th has been a day that I've looked forward to with giddy anticipation and excitement for the past 24 years of my life. It is the one day of the year where I get to celebrate my life with friends and family. This year I wouldn't have been too disappointed if the calendar just skipped over that date completely.

I have to be honest, since that's what I'm best at :), and say that this year I just wanted to take off work, go into my room, lock the door, crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep the entire day away. I took my sweet Psychologist's advice and avoided that scenario. :)

The weekend before Josh went on a hunting trip with his friends. He returned on Sunday and told me that his great grandfather had suffered from a heart attack over the weekend and passed away. At that time Josh didn't know when the funeral would be held, so we made plans for my birthday and hoped that everything would work out. Monday afternoon he was informed that the viewing would be held on Tuesday night, January 18th and the funeral would be the following day. So we cancelled our reservations for Texas De Brazil, our Birthday tradition, and he left Tuesday afternoon to make the trek to Ore City with his family.

We discussed whether or not I would be going with them. I felt like a terrible wife when I told him that I simply didn't think I could muster up the strength to go to another funeral so soon, let alone on my birthday, add to that the 18th was only 1 month since my Dad's funeral. So, I opted to stay home while he spend the next two days with his family.

My birthday morning rolled around, I was in the bathroom getting cleaned up before work when the doorbell rang, I was shocked when I heard, "Happy Birthday to YOU, Happy Birthday to YOUUUU, Happy Birthday dear NICKI! Happy Birthday to YOU!" being sung by my sweet mommy. She had balloons in one hand and a beautiful gerbera daisy plant in the other. I bursted into tears, overwhelmed. She handed me my Birthday card, I opened it and read through the tears, "It's your Birthday! Hope it's hand picked with love to celebrate wonderful you!" and then signed, "Happy 25th Birthday. I love you Nicki. Love, Mom and Bug." As I read the signatures I couldn't help but look up at Mom and cry. It was the first birthday card of my entire life that didn't read, "Love, Mom and Dad." Changes like this come out of every corner every day so unexpectedly... But I am thankful to still have my loving mother to dote on me and show me how much she loves me :) .

Somehow I made it through the day (thank you God for the strength) and after work I drove over to my brother and sister's house for dinner, dessert and games. Melanie was such a sweet sister, when she found out I was coming over she threw out their original plans of tacos for dinner and put together a healthier menu to accommodate for my newly established healthier eating habits. It was my birthday however, so I did indulge in a brownie (and a half ;) ).

Before heading over there mom asked me to stop by her house, that she had something for me. She had already given me a few birthday gifts, so I figured a few cards had made their way to her house and she just wanted me to pick them up. I walked in and she looked like a little kid at Christmas... She said to me, "Now you can't be mad at me, promise before you get it..." I looked at her with one eyebrow up and a slight grin on my face, "Okaaaaaay?" She says, "Look on the couch." I inched my way up until I could just barely see over the back of the couch and I saw a white box with a little grey apple on it. my eyes widened as I looked up at Mom then back to the couch, then back to mom, to the couch... Hands over my head I asked, "is that mine?!" She smiled through tears and said that she wanted to make my Birthday extra special this year. It was a Mac Book Pro!!!! Of course, right on que... bring in the tears. I hugged her jumping up and down and then ran to the couch to pick up my brand new laptop. She even picked out the most perfect carrying case for it. Overwhelmed I jumped into her car and we drove to Tony and Melanie's.

We ate our yummy dinner and then we played a game of Settlers of Catan (shocker!) in which Tony kicked all of our tails and took the win in record time. After that we thought it would be fun to try out a new game, it was my first time playing and this time I took the power and showed them who was boss :).

It was a wonderful Birthday despite the odds and I give God all of the glory for that.

Friday night we invited some of my close friends and family over to our home to celebrate. Typically we would all go out to eat and then have a fun and crazy night, this year however, I wanted to be with those I could be relaxed and comfortable around as my emotions aren't the most stable thing these days. We made fajitas and ate beautiful cupcakes decorated by Angela. We played the Wii, Apples to Apples, and enjoyed our time shared together. It was such a wonderful night and I was glad to spend it with those who made the trip over.

The following are some of the wonderful gifts I received for my Birthday, God truly has blessed me with some fabulous friends.

Random Thoughts... Having a lot of these lately.

2011-01-06T14:07:00.000-06:00

The morning of my dad's funeral, his 49th birthday, I woke up and laid in bed for a good while just looking up at the ceiling. I cried. I prayed. And then finally I got myself up and showered. I wanted to look beautiful for my dad's birthday. I put make up on for the first time in 4 days. Looking back I truly don't know how I got through that day.

Tuesday morning, before his death, I posted on his facebook page telling him how much I loved him and asked if we could have a daddy/daughter date really soon. I was not ready for him to go, I need my dad. In my last voicemail to him that dreadful day I sat on their front porch and cried, "Daddy, please pick up the phone... I need you." I still need him. I had written a letter to my dad during that past week. Writing to him helped a lot. I would sit in my car parked in front of the house and just write. What came out has already been posted here, it was also read by me at his funeral.

As I sat in the waiting room next to our dear family friend, the big sister I never had, Nikki, a song came into my heart... I started to hum as I lay in her lap and she joined in with me. There were probably fifty or so people waiting in that back room to be ushered into his funeral, as we sang everything disappeared. It was just us two and our voices. I know that God placed this song in my heart that day... Every time I hear it, it takes me back. Not to a bad place, not to pain or anger, but to worship. I'll never hear it the same again.

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

A New Year

2011-01-04T09:03:00.000-06:00

This is the first year that I didn't sit down and write my resolutions and goals on paper.

If you've kept up with my blog for a while you read my goals from last year.

Goal number one: Learn to play the guitar.
CHECK! Josh got me a guitar for my birthday last year and I've been working all year, I absolutely love playing and it's been a wonderful way to relax and keep my mind busy.

Goal number two: Spend more time with family.
CHECK! Tony and Mel moved to Texas which made this so much easier. This past year was spent enjoying my family to the fullest. I was able to get to know my sister (Mel) for the first time and watch my other sister (Athena) as she went from a "child" to a Freshman. I grew closer to my parents and I cherish every single second of that time with them.

Goal number three: More Daddy / Daughter dates.
CHECK! I am very happy to say that this goal was accomplished last year. Not quite as many as I wish I had done looking back, but we shared some wonderful dates together. We went to Mimi's Cafe, Starbucks, and Rio Mambo a couple of times. Each one was special, learning something more about my dad. He was the best listener I knew. I could rant and rave or cry and whine, he would hold it all so purposefully. I will miss those dates this year.

Goal number four: Get to know my "new" family better.
CHECK! I've grown so close to the Morgans this year. Be it through celebrations; Jamie and Kenneth's wedding, or tragedies; experiencing Papa and Dad's deaths... With each new month I learned and loved even more.

Goal number five: Embrace my friendships.
I have to say I could have done better with this. I've struggled with being a consistent friend. Phone calls didn't happen as often as I would have liked and there were far to few get togethers. Perhaps this can make the list again in 2011... In fact, it has. Officially. :)

Goal number six: Be the wife that God intended me to be.
Again... I feel like this goal was not met the way I had intended. I know that I'm not perfect, but I haven't been as wonderful of a wife as I would have liked to have been. I still have so much learning and growing to do and am praying Josh stays patient with me as it happens.

And last but not least...

Goal number seven: Spend more time with the Lord.
This would be a half check... I do feel that my relationship with the Lord has grown stronger over the past year. It is nowhere near where I need to be, but I don't think a true Christian ever stops growing. On my post last year I wrote this: He has something planned for me this next year- I don't know what it is, but I know that when it arises I want to be prepared. My goal is to spend more time with Him and less time with technology. That may mean less photos uploaded, less Facebook statuses to read, and less time watching my favorite shows... but it also means a stronger relationship with my Father, wisdom to do what is right in every situation, and the strength to continue walking despite the difficulties that I may face... And that, to me, is SO worth it. I could have never imagined the unexplainable pain I was to face in 2010 when this was written. But I am overjoyed that the Lord has been by my side through it all. He has continued to be my strength and my shelter, and for that I am beyond thankful.

I must say... Not too shabby on the fulfilling of goals in 2010. The year sure didn't turn out the way I had expected, not in the least. But I am still happy that I survived one more. I can't seem to make goals for myself right now. Getting up every morning is enough of a task on its own. I think last year's goals were quite good, so maybe this year I will just strive to outdo myself with those goals in mind.

One of my dad's closest friends sent me an email last night. I was blessed to learn something new about my dad and he shared a quote from Neil Gaiman (someone he apparently loved) with me. I'll end with that.

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

Here's to a new year...

How He Loves Us

2010-12-29T09:57:00.000-06:00

Just earlier this year I was introduced to a song by a close friend. It is a beautiful song, I learned it to sing with our praise and worship team at my old church. I appreciated the music and enjoyed the words but it wasn't until I was shown the story behind the lyrics that the song really meant something to me.

John Mark McMillan wrote a song called How He Loves Us. About 7 years ago he lost his dear friend in a car accident. He woke up the next morning and felt angry, hurt. This friend of his had been praying that God would use him to shake the youth of the nation. He didn't understand why God would take such an incredible man with the heart of Christ. He returned to youth camp that year and watched hundreds of teens being brought to the Lord through his friend's death. After witnessing how God used his friend he wrote this song.

Somewhere on Youtube there is a video of him telling this story before playing the song live. I cannot find it for anything... But this recording, at the end, you can feel his passion, his love, his hurt. I'll never hear this song the same again. Even through the darkness, He loves us. He says in the end (6:25), "I know that I still love you God, despite the agony."

Those words could not ring truer to me right now. I cannot get through the song without crying... If you have time, please listen the entire way through. It's moving and reminds me that even in this dark time for my family, God is using the pain and hurt to further his kingdom. We may not see it right now, but God has a plan.

A New Way of Living

2010-12-27T10:30:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday, December 14th, 2010 my life was flipped completely upside down. It was on this day that I lost my dad.

It's been almost two weeks and I am still not able to wrap my mind around his death. I'm on the phone with him one minute and the next... he's gone.

I've been contemplating in my mind over and over if I should write about what happened. I sat down one night last week and just typed away... I had to get all of the emotion and darkness out. I needed to write about it, to get it on paper so it would no longer be bashing around in my head. What came out is far too raw and personal for the web, but it was out of me and I could breathe a little easier.

I honestly don't know what to say.

Words won't form in ways that make sense.

A close friend of my dad keeps a blog. She suffered from a hormonal imbalance and hit rock bottom a little over a year ago. She writes to help others that may be suffering from the same painful ailments to give hope and insight into a dark world that not many people will talk about; depression and suicide.

She created a post after hearing of my dad's passing. It was incredibly difficult for me to read, especially going back and reading what my dad had written to her in response to one of her posts earlier this year. But her perspective is unique and it helped me to understand things a little better. Since I cannot find the words to say, maybe you can find answers in hers. You can find the post here.

I'm not quite sure how to move on. I know that, Lord willing, tomorrow will come and somehow I'll find the strength to get up and breathe another breath. Some days are worse than others. It's been an emotional roller coaster and I'm truly exhausted. My dad's funeral was beautiful. Christmas was spent with family. I wont lie, it was hard. Every minute possible for the past two weeks has been spent with my immediate family. I've been talking to my mom this morning, telling her how much I miss her. We wish that we could just stay together everyday, laughing and playing games in our own little world. But that's not reality. It's not healthy.

We have to find a new way of living. I hurt. I miss him. Every second of every day I miss my dad. We shared a bond that most fathers and daughters aren't lucky enough to have. I didn't just lose my dad, I lost my confidant, my friend. I do feel robbed, cheated... It's not fair. But I know that God is good. He is faithful, merciful and full of grace. I am seeking my purpose and solitude in Him. Dwelling in the knowledge that He is my savior, my redeemer, my comforter, my strength, my shelter and my Heavenly Father. I am on this Earth for a reason. I am determined to follow through with the path that He has paved for me. It may get dark, seemingly impossible at times, but I will follow my God wherever he leads me. I am thankful for my life. Thankful to get to live one more day and smile knowing that someday I will get to be with my dad again... Not any time soon, but someday. And because of that, I will be okay.

For my Dad

2010-12-18T18:10:00.001-06:00

Daddy,

I'm not quite sure how to start this. I miss you.

You have been the absolute best dad that any girl could have ever asked for.

I always loved hearing the story about the day you and mom brought me home from the hospital. You played isn't she lovely by Stevie Wonder on the car ride home and it's been our song ever since. Dancing with you at my wedding to that very song is one of my favorite moments we've ever shared. You were so nervous to bust a move in front of everybody but you did it for me anyway.

You've taught me a lot in my 24 years. You showed me the beauty and passion behind music. You took me to my first concert. You sat there in the congregation at DFC when I had my first choir performance and were on the edge of your seat hoping my dress wouldn't go an inch higher as I held it in my hands and danced. You are the driving force behind my love of music and I will never hear or sing a song without smiling and thinking about you.

I was so blessed having a cool dad growing up. You were always the one me and my friends came to talk to about our seemingly horrific teenage angst. You were Dad to so many people and I was always proud of that. Not many dads would take their teenage daughter and her friends out in the middle of the night to TP some boys house and then later answer the phone in your sleepy voice to scare them off.

As much as I hated it growing up you taught me the value of hard work. Every year on the first day of school you gave me the same speech, "First impressions are the most important thing, sit in the front of the class, pay attention and look your teachers in the eye." I graduated college and the advice stuck with me, I always remembered you words and my children will hear them too.

You used used to make Tony and me do so many chores. On those days we all called you the General behind your back. We hated picking rocks out of the grass and scrubbing the baseboards with toothbrushes, but here I am at 24 and I absolutely love to clean. That, I got from you Dad.

I have always been a lot like you. I have your eyes, your smile, your heart and even your brain. Though it's had its negative moments I am very proud to be compared to you. I am and always will be a self proclaimed Daddy's girl.

I will always cherish our Daddy Daughter dates. There have been too many to count. You have been my rock, my best friend, and have always listened to me without question. You are the only person who has fully known, understood, and cherished every piece of me. I could always trust you with my deepest, darkest secrets and you held them so well.

From day one you have supported me in every situation. When I was 14 and wanted to be a model you found the money to put me in modeling school. When I wanted to be an interior designer you bought me books on decorating. When I wanted to be a zoologist you took me to San Diego and bought me books on primates. In college when I wanted to be a personal trainer you purchased the materials for my testing. Whatever avenue I wanted to pursue you walked beside me and cheered me on as my biggest fan.

I know that we had our moments together. There were times where I felt I hated you, like the time when I found out that you ready my diary when I was 14. But you've always had my best interest in mind.

I could go on for hours talking about my favorite moments with you, but I know that you know and see my heart and we just don't have that much time or paper.

Daddy, I miss you with every fiber of my being. Every bit of me yearns to be in your arms one last time. Your hand brushing the hair out of my face and your strong, gentle heart beating by my chest.

I know that you are in a much better place right now. A place where no headaches, no anxiety, no pain, and no depression can hurt you. You are with Jesus just in time to celebrate His birthday with Him.

I know that you will have a front row seat for every big life event. You will be there in the delivery room when I have my first baby. You will hold my hand during every difficult moment I may face. You will cheer me on at every concert and program I sing at. Just because you aren't physically here does not mean you are gone.

Thank you for always teaching me and guiding me in faith. Thank you for sharing your love of the Lord with me. I am confident that when this life is over, you will be standing behind the gates of Heaven with your arms wide open and a beautiful smile on your face ready to embrace and welcome me.

You will continue to be my source of encouragement even in your absence.

I want you to know that I love you with all that I am and that love will never fade and never falter. you are my daddy and the best man I ever knew.

I will miss you and love you until the day we meet again in Heaven. I know you're celebrating your birthday with Jesus today, and I am so sad that we cannot be there, too. Just know that today we do not think about your death, but we celebrate your life.

Happy Birthday Daddy. I love you more than words could ever express. Put a good word in for me to the choir of angels. I'll be seeing you soon.

Love,

Your little girl

End of the Year / Christmas Letter

2010-11-29T12:00:00.000-06:00

To our loved ones,

We cannot believe that it has been over a year since we said, “I do.” This past year has been full of amazing times, unexpected obstacles and lots of wonderful memories. Now that life has started to settle into a semi- normal routine we decided to start the tradition of a Christmas/ End of the Year letter.

We have heard so much about what to expect in the first year of marriage and I must say that no matter how many preparations you take, or how much advice you’re given you will still run into things that completely throw you off! I am really blessed to have a husband as wonderful as Josh. He is the cleanest, most organized man I’ve ever met. I thought, in the beginning, that I’d be the one nagging to him about putting the toilet seat down. I quickly learned that this was not the case when he approached me soon after our wedding and asked very sweetly, “Honey? Do you think that you could remember to put the toilet LID down when you’re finished?” I was shocked… Now it’s become a habit for me and no matter where I go I have to put the lid down on the toilet. He is incredibly helpful around the house, always helping with dishes, laundry and everyday cleaning. I honestly cannot believe how blessed I am to have gotten such a wonderful husband.

Early in the year we made the decision to change churches and started attending Travis Avenue Baptist Church here in Fort Worth. God has been so amazing and has provided so many opportunities for us in the church. I quickly became a member of the praise and worship team for the early service and am loving being able to sing praises to our Lord and share the gifts that He has given me. Recently I was approached about becoming the Pre-K choir director and I said yes without hesitation. These little 4-5 year olds are so amazing and I am beyond proud of how wonderful they are doing. Our first concert will be December 5^th and we are all looking forward to it! Josh has been playing on the church’s softball team for a few years now and I really enjoy going to every game and cheering the team on. They even took first place in the spring league this year! I can’t help but yell out, “That’s my husband!” every time he hits one over the fence. I’m definitely proud of him.

I’ve had a few health struggles this year. A surgery in April and lots of doctor visits, but I think that finally, after much trial and error and testing we have gotten things taken care of. God has been so wonderful and we really appreciate all of the prayers from each and every one of you. We’re praying that my health continues to improve and that we’re done with doctor and hospital visits for a while.

Earlier this year our whole family was blessed as my brother and sister-in-law moved to Texas from North Carolina. They found out that they were expecting their first child and our whole family’s excitement was through the roof. On October 25^th, Matthew Ross Koch was brought into this world. He weighed in at 6lbs 14oz and was 19 inches long. He has beautiful blue eyes just like his daddy and he has Melanie’s nose and mouth. I am thoroughly enjoying being an Aunt and could not love little Matty any more than I do.

Josh's sister also had a big year this year! She was married this past summer and the wedding was beautiful. She and Kenneth are now in the process of building a home here in Fort Worth and are really enjoying their marriage. We love having them so close by!

Josh and I celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary by traveling to Destin, Florida for a week. The weather was incredible and we even got to catch up with some friends that we hadn’t seen in over a year. Unfortunately we were only able to swim in the ocean one day as there were jelly fish, man o war, and high tide every other day we were there. I had my first jelly fish experience and was stung twice in one day! We really enjoyed our time together and looking back over the past year.

With as many wonderful things that God has given to us this year we have also had to experience some of the most difficult moments in our life together as well. Late this summer Josh’s Papa went to Heaven to be with our Lord. He had been ill for over a year and God was finally calling him home. Papa was one of the strongest, most genuine, loving men I had ever had the pleasure of knowing. Josh was especially close to him and everyone misses him deeply. We are confident in knowing that he is up in Heaven looking over each and every one of us and were blessed to have had him in our lives. Not a day goes by that we don’t think about him.

We are really looking forward to all of the things that God has in store for us this next year. I can already tell you that there will be many exciting new changes in our lives (no, not babies just yet :) ) and we look forward to sharing them all with each of you.

We pray that this past year has shown you many blessings and that your Holiday season is full of family, friends and lots of love and laughter. Thank you for your continued prayers and support for Josh and me. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! God is good, all of the time.

With all of our love,

Josh and Nicki

Brooke Fraser Concert

2010-11-14T10:58:00.000-06:00

Back in August I was wasting some time reading everyone's tweets on Twitter when I stumbled across one of Brooke Fraser's posts saying her tour was coming to Dallas. For those of you who don't know who Brooke is go to iTunes and download all of her albums ASAP. She is one of my biggest inspirations for music. As soon as I saw that news I yelled to Josh in the other room that I was going to pre-order tickets.

This past Friday night Josh and I drove out to Dallas to see her perform. We ended up making a whole evening out of it and had so much fun.

To avoid traffic we left around 4:00 and drove to the Galleria to do some shopping and waste some time before the concert. I was craving Mexican food and was SO excited when we spotted a Mi Cocina inside of the mall. The food was incredible, I could eat their chicken tortilla soup every single day. After dinner we made the drive to the House of Blues.

This was my first visit ever to the House of Blues and it was an awesome experience. We got there so early that we ended up being first in line outside. It was freezing cold and I was so tired of standing but I knew that it was worth it. Josh stood there by my side in a crowd of young women (mostly) and kept a loving smile on his face the entire time.

FINALLY, after waiting for nearly two hours we were inside and waiting for the show to start. Her opening act was actually pretty good. The whole crowd was a little shocked when the singer dropped a few F bombs in one of his songs, but their stage presence was awesome. After their set the stage crew prepped everything for Brooke as we all continued to stand waiting.

The whole room erupted with excitement when her band members walked on stage and began to play, every eye was on the door as we all anxiously awaited Brooke to join them on stage. The atmosphere was incredible. She came onto stage and the whole room sang with her. We were asked not to take photos or videos prior to the show, I did my best to restrain but I couldn't help but to snap a few pictures and get a short clip of her singing one of my favorite songs.

Click here for a short clip of "Better"

At the end of the night Brooke came out to sign autographs and meet her fans. While in line Josh spotted his cousin whom he hadn't seen in nearly 5 years. After getting to meet Brooke and having her sign my ticket and one of my guitar picks, Josh and I spent a good half hour catching up with Matt. He's a wonderful performer and some of you may have heard of his band, The Matt Wheeler Band. A few minutes later Kari Jobe comes running past me and plopped down on a couch with one of her friends. Matt laughed and said, ahh that's Kari... With big eyes and my mouth wide open I looked her direction and said, Kari JOBE!? Haha, I am such a dork. Anyway, the night was amazing and I am so thankful that we were able to go. I really am thankful for Josh, too. Concerts aren't really his thing, but he stood by me the entire night with a smile on his face and he even ended up having a great time!

I cannot wait to see her live again. Hopefully sooner than later!

Our One Year Anniversary Vacation

2010-11-13T15:21:00.000-06:00

This past year has simply blown right on by. It's now been over a year since Josh and I said, "I do," and in celebration of our anniversary we booked a trip to Destin, Florida.

Thursday morning we were up bright and early packing our things in the car, we dropped Charlie off with my family and Mom drove us out to the airport. We got there around 7:45 and our flight was scheduled for take off at 8:15. American Airlines has a policy that as long as you're checked in before the 10 minute cutoff you can board the plane. Unfortunately we got a grumpy lady to check us in and she said there was no way we would make it to our gate in time so she changed us to a later stand by flight.

We were crushed! Turns out we could have made it to the plane in plenty of time, the woman who checked us in ended up getting reprimanded by her supervisor after I complained. Long story short, Josh and I sat in the airport for another 5 hours before we could catch another flight. We passed time by playing Angry Birds on our phones and card games on our pillows. Finally, at 1:30 we were on our way to Florida.

After picking up our rental car and making the one hour trip to Destin from Pensacola, it was evening time. We checked into our amazing condo, took in the sites and sounds of the beautiful ocean view and then headed out for dinner at McGuire's Irish Pub. Josh had the steak and I had an amazing sandwich. With our stomachs full we headed back to our condo to get a good night's sleep.

The next day we spent on the beach. We fell asleep in the sun, played in the ocean, did some grocery shopping and enjoyed our time relaxing. While playing in the ocean Josh met up with a not so friendly crab and got his poor pinky toe pinched. He tried to hide it but I could tell something had happened, he was afraid that if he told me I wouldn't get back in the water. :)

That night, dressed in blue to support our Rangers in their World Series game, we headed out to a shopping center and had dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. The food was incredible and I've been craving the apple crisp I had for desert ever since! Even better, the Rangers won their first World Series game ever that night.

The next day our friends Dwayne and Kirstin drove in from Tallahassee to spend the next two days with us. We headed out to the jetties to see if we could do some snorkeling. Dwayne was the only one brave enough to get in the water as on our long walk to the jetties we spotted several jelly fish that had been washed up on the sands. He was in for maybe ten minutes before he got right back out. He had gotten stung by jelly fish on both arms and one of his legs. OUCH!

After that we headed to Fudpucker's for lunch. This place was really unique, bright and colorfully painted it also had an area full of alligators, not to mention the food was wonderful. We finally made it back to the condo and onto the beach where Dwayne showed us how to really enjoy the sand by making what they call, "sand beds." I had a blast when I discovered that seagulls would hover over you if you had food and enjoyed some time feeding them despite Josh and Kirstin's pleas for me to restrain myself. It was way too much fun not to do. :)

While playing in the sand I ended up getting stung twice by stray jelly fish tentacles and decided it was best to stay in my sand bed. After going out to dinner that night at Fisherman's Wharf we played games and enjoyed their company for the rest of the evening before finally calling it a night.

The next morning we had a wonderful breakfast at Another Broken Egg Cafe and then headed to the outlet mall to do some shopping. We talked them into staying just a little longer for one more afternoon on the beach. Unfortunately there were still Jelly fish and the tide was getting really rough, but we found ways to entertain ourselves. Dwayne was dying to bury someone in the sand so I volunteered just so long as the sand didn't go past my thighs. I had to explain to them that sand gets into way too many terrible places and I wanted to avoid that at all costs. :) So I was buried up to my thighs and left to fend for myself in getting back out.

After they left to head back home, Josh and I got ready to go out to celebrate our anniversary. We got all dressed up and headed to Ruth's Chris for a romantic dinner. We had Ruth's Chris for the first time together in Hawaii on our vacation so it was very fitting that we went for our one year. The food was phenomenal. We ate every single bite of our steaks, mashed potatoes and even our desert!

The next morning around 3:00 I received a phone call from my mom, they were headed to the hospital because Melanie was finally in labor and starting to push. I could have cried I was so excited! I had a hard time sleeping the rest of the night. Matthew was born early morning on Monday, October 25th weighing in at 6lbs 14oz and 19 inches long. I hated that we had to miss the birth but was just thankful for a healthy mommy and baby.

Monday and Tuesday were spent lying on the beach and doing a little more shopping at the outlet malls. Unfortunately there were double red flags up which meant we couldn't get in the water. We still really enjoyed lounging and relaxing on the beach.

Wednesday we were all packed up and ready to go. We spent the morning on the beach, took a long walk and really tried to take in all of the beautiful scenery before we left. We were shocked to see several Man o War washed up on the shore and had to be very careful of where we stepped.

We spent the rest of the day driving to Pensacola, had lunch at an awesome sports bar and then headed to the airport super early to avoid missing our flight. We ended up getting there so early that we caught an earlier flight home and Josh was able to get home in time to watch the Rangers play in the World Series with all of his friends. While he did that I drove to my parent's house to finally meet my beautiful nephew.

I teared up seeing him for the first time. He is this tiny little bundle with the most beautiful blue eyes, a perfect nose and a beautiful mouth. He looks a lot like his mommy. Holding him for the first time was one of the best moments I've ever experienced in my entire life. He's been such a wonderful addition to our family!

It was a busy, fun packed vacation and we had a wonderful time celebrating together. Next year will probably be a little more low key, but we are just thankful that we were able to have such a great anniversary vacation this year. :)

Health Update

2010-10-13T16:16:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's taken me so long to get an update up. Life flies right on by like normal...

I went to the GI specialist last week and she informed me that I shouldn't worry too much about the cysts on my spleen. With the spleen you cannot develop tumors, only cysts, and typically they go away on their own. I'll be going back in this December for another CT scan to see if there has been any change and we'll go from there.

She was, however, concerned with all of the pain and issues I have been having for the past six months. So she set me up for the works. And if you've ever been to a GI specialist you know what the works is. I really don't want to explain. But basically they'll be putting me out and scoping me from both ends. Yep. Lovely, huh?

She will be looking for a number of different disorders and diseases hoping to find an answer to my chronic pains. I'm truly hoping that this is the last procedure that I need to have done for a long time. The appointment is set up for November 3rd and prayers are always appreciated.

As far as my spine issues... I am supposed to start physical therapy soon. I am also looking into seeing a chiropractor as that may help as well. I know why I have the disorder, it's just a bummer that I'm having issues with it this early in life.

When I was 21 months I fell out of a two story high window and snapped my left femur in half. I was in a body cast for three months and am just lucky to be alive and able to walk and lead a normal life. The break in my bone, however, messed up a growth plate and my right leg grew longer than my left. It's caused hip issues in the past and is a big reason to why I hate running, but I've been able to live with it up until now. The difference in height in my legs has set my entire spine off balance and is starting to be annoying. Hopefully some physical therapy and possibly getting a shoe lift will help with that.

So! Needless to say we have some good news and some pending news. Good news, no need to worry about the cysts for now. Pending news, who knows what's wrong with my insides... guess we'll find out come November. :)

Thanks for all of your prayers and sweet comments, I am truly blessed to have friends and family that care so much about me. <3

One Day at a Time

2010-10-02T10:22:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's difficult not to get bogged down with the stresses of life. It seems just as soon as things start going well something new pops up.

I've had chronic stomach and abdominal pains for about 6 months, back in April I had an exploratory surgery and nothing of significance was found. So I've just been living with it, thinking it could all be in my head.

Well this past week I couldn't take it anymore, so I went back into my doctor to start from scratch. They did blood work (4 tubes worth!) and scheduled a CT Scan for the next day. Wednesday I went in for my scan, which totally stunk. She tried to put the IV in my left arm and it didn't work so they had to move to the right arm, I'm a huge baby when it comes to needles. Anyway, somehow I made it through. :)

The next day I received a call from my doctor with the CT results. It turns out that I have 4 cysts on my spleen and grade 1 spondylolisthesis in my L5-S1 vertebrae. Spondylolisthesis is just the slipping forward of your vertebrae and can cause significant back pain, they'll probably just send me to physical therapy to fix that. My main concern is the cysts on my spleen.

I've done a little research and haven't found much about spleenic cysts, which of course stresses me out a little more. I've gotten in touch with a GI specialist and should be seen next week to discuss the next steps.

When I was 19 I had a CT scan and it showed a "cyst" on my right ovary. It grew a significant amount while I was out of town for a week so they scheduled surgery to have it removed. During surgery they discovered that it was not a cyst but a tumor that had enveloped my entire ovary, so they had it removed. My fear is that these "cysts" that "appear to be benign" could actually be more than that. My history with "cysts" isn't very good.

Needless to say, this week has been eventful. I am really focusing on giving my anxieties and worries to God. I cannot worry about tomorrow for today brings enough troubles... I know that I am in his hands and He will continue to watch over me. Prayers are much appreciated... And I'll definitely keep y'all updated as I get more information myself.

Thanks for keeping up with our crazy lives, it means so much.

Here's a few fun images of my insides... I can't figure out too much of it but it's still fun to look at. :)

This is one of the cysts on my spleen

And another...

This one shows the slipping of my vertebrae

Exciting Opportunities

2010-09-23T08:59:00.000-05:00

Recently I've been searching my heart and praying for guidance from the Lord about the path that He has set out for me. I've been desperately missing the presence of kids in my life and it's been taking a toll on me.

If you know me at all you know that kids have always been a big part of who I am. At the age of 10 I was babysitting two kids everyday for a full summer. I was even a nanny for a family with four children for a while.

Anyway! I received an email from a friend of ours from church two weeks ago. She had been given my name as a suggestion for someone who would be a good fit to stand in as the new director for pre-K choir. Last week I observed the class as someone else directed and made the decision to go ahead and fill the position.

Last night was my first night to lead and it could not have gone better. There were about 10 or so 4 year olds in class last night and they all responded so well to the activities I had planned and the songs we sang. By the end of the night they were even coming up next to me to sing solos for all of the other kids. I left the church after class with a huge grin on my face. I was so proud of those kids and of myself, too! I'm not going to lie, it feels great to be called "Miss Nicki" again. :)

I just found out that our first concert will be on December 5th and I cannot wait to sit there and watch these amazing little people sing for God.

I feel so blessed.

Melanie's Baby Shower

2010-09-23T08:44:00.000-05:00

It seems like just yesterday I was telling y'all the exciting news about my bother and his wife Melanie finding out they were pregnant.

It's been such a blessing having them here in Texas with us. Getting to watch Melanie grow from a tiny baby bump to where she is now has been so much fun. I'm not really the type of person who walks up to a pregnant woman and touches her belly, it's a little weird, but this situation is TOTALLY different. This is my nephew! So I warned Mel in the beginning that I'd be talking to her belly quite a bit. I've actually gotten Matthew to believe that I'm his favorite aunt, AND he kicks in response. How bout that? :)

This past weekend we held a baby shower for Melanie at our home. It was a blast and we had a great turn out. I don't know what I would have done if Nikki hadn't been in town, she was such a great help with planning, prep and even clean up! She really made the party a breeze.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the day. Melanie has about three weeks left until she is full term. We're hoping for a 10-10-10 baby! I cannot wait to meet my little nephew and actually get to hold him in my arms. He is sure to be the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen.

The diaper cake I made for Melanie :)

Nikki and me

We played a game where you couldn't say the word "baby" or someone got to take your clothes pin, Nikki and Athena were tied and trying to get Melanie to say the word, it was hilarious!

Athena: "Melanie, what are you about to have?"

Melanie: "A.... Bbbbbbboy."

Nikki: "What does your balloon say?"

Melanie: "That I'm having a child."

HAHHA, what a fun day!

Courage

2010-09-09T16:26:00.000-05:00

My entire life, since I can remember, I have been singing. I was 5 years old on stage with our church preK choir in my pretty dress covered in frills. I sang at the top of my lungs, hands clenching the bottom of my dress as I danced along to the music. I recall my parents telling me later in life that they were on the edge of their seats worried that my dress would suddenly fly up and I would give the entire congregation a show.

I continued with choirs in Jr High and High school and attended church events where I sang with our ensemble and performed pieces on my own and with friends at Main Event. Moving to Texas everything changed. I was the new girl. I showed up to the acapella choir as this fresh face my Junior year and could feel the cold stares from everyone in the room. God on my side, I quickly made friends and was able to excel right away in competitions. I went on to become an All State Choir member both my Jr and Senior years.

After high school, however, things were different. Music ended on a bad note for me after graduation and I kind of gave up for a while. I had been told I wasn't good enough over and over and over... Finally I started to believe it. So I stopped singing for people. It wasn't until the end of last year that I gained the courage to approach the idea of singing at our church at the time, Trinity Chapel. Mark and the rest of the band took me in right away and made me feel so welcome as I started to lead worship on Sundays. I was finally finding my roots again and the Lord was showing me that I was good enough for Him.

Early this year, after much prayer, we decided to change churches. I was overcome with anxiety that I was going to lose what had taken me years to get back and instantly took those fears to the Lord. Not two days later a friend of mine, Ashley (who just so happens to be the daughter of our new church's pastor) was encouraging me to pursue singing with the Gathering Band at Travis. She took it upon herself to speak with the music minister and after just one week I found myself in front of his piano singing for him. I've been a part of the Gathering Band at Travis Avenue ever since and feel so humbled and blessed to have been called to glorify the Lord with the talents He has given me.

HOWEVER! To cut to the chase... which I'm totally not doing because I just wrote four long paragraphs... I have still been afraid to show people MY heart for singing. I've been playing the guitar now for a few months and trying to learn songs that move me, it wasn't until this week that God gave me the courage to start sharing myself with those around me. I am nowhere near perfect, I have so, so much to learn... But I am tired of throwing excuses out there. A dear friend of mine reminded me all the time how wonderfully made I am. That combined with the knowledge that everything I do is to give glory and honor to my God.... I've decided to start sharing.

If you're interested in listening you can check it out on my youtube page. This is scary for me. Very. But ya know what? It's not about me. Hopefully someone can be introduced to our Heavenly Father through my music and that would make it all worth it! Thanks for listening to my rambling. I am now finished. :)

Friends... They are amazing

2010-09-08T14:07:00.000-05:00

This morning a dear friend shared a verse with me. It really struck a chord in me so I thought I would pass it along to you as well.

¹ "Come, let us return to the LORD.
       He has torn us to pieces
       but he will heal us;
       he has injured us
       but he will bind up our wounds.
² After two days he will revive us;
       on the third day he will restore us,
       that we may live in his presence.
³ Let us acknowledge the LORD;
       let us press on to acknowledge him.
       As surely as the sun rises,
       he will appear;
       he will come to us like the winter rains,
       like the spring rains that water the earth."

-Hosea 6:1-3

He will appear... He will come to us. He will heal us. He will bind up our wounds. He will revive us, restore us! Hallelujah!!!

Sometimes I forget that the enemy's hold on me is nothing like the hold that my God has on me. I am so thankful for a God who forgives, who loves, who cherishes, who heals and who wants nothing more than for me to give Him my life. It's funny, I always found myself so afraid to let go and give up control over my life, scared of where it may lead me... Turns out life becomes a lot more fruitful and blessed when you let go and give the control to God.

God walks beside me, He lives inside of me. And so I sing Hallelujah!

Anxiety.

2010-09-07T10:00:00.000-05:00

I took this picture of my little "family" this morning... thought it was cute and wanted to share. :)

Also, I'm finding it ironic that I am having anxiety about going to talk with someone about my anxiety. This morning could prove to be a difficult one for me. The rain is very fitting for my mood.

Prayers are appreciated.

Tune in next time for a (hopefully) much more cheerful post. ;) Maybe the cuteness of the picture I posted makes up for my depressing mood. LOL. Maybe.

One Year Creeping Up Quickly

2010-09-01T09:05:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that our one year wedding anniversary is just around the corner. It seems like just yesterday that he proposed to me under that beautiful pecan tree on his grandparent's land.

In celebration of making it through the first year (everyone says it's the most difficult, and there have been moments where I've seen why!) we are booking a trip! We will be flying (courtesy of my amazing parents) to Destin, Florida for 6 days in October and will celebrate our actual anniversary on the white sand beaches!

The beach of our resort

The resort at night

Josh has been to Destin several times over the years with his family but this will be my first trip and I am so excited. It will also be our first vacation together since our honeymoon!

Other than that, not too much has changed in the Morgan household. My sweet momma had surgery this past Friday to have her gall bladder removed and has recovered like a champ. My sister in law is in her eighth month of pregnancy and I cannot wait for that little guy to get here. I'm sure Melanie is ready, too, as I am constantly kissing and loving on her belly. I told her she has free reign to do so and more to me when my time comes around. :) The other day I was kissing the belly and telling Matty hello and I loved him, that I was his favorite Aunt and he kicked! Three times!!! I was overjoyed. I think it's because he loves me, I'm sure my brother would say he was just kicking to shut me up so he could go back to sleep. Either way, he'll be here soon and we are just praying for a safe rest of the pregnancy for mom and baby. Prayers are always appreciated!

Mel and I went shopping for some maternity clothes and had some fun in the dressing room...

Until next time... Stay blessed and thank you SOOOOO much for keeping up with our crazy lives. :)

Faithful

2010-08-20T09:23:00.000-05:00

There are days when I am begging to feel the Lord close to me. To hear His words. To sense his presence and understand the path He has laid out for me.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I laid down to take a nap, my head swimming with thoughts that were consuming my every breath. Sleep came quickly and when I woke two hours later I had lyrics to a song in my head. I had no idea where they came from or why they were resounding so loudly in my soul. I got up and played the song, tears filled my eyes as I listened to the lyrics. It was my heart's cry to hear from the Lord...

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms round about me and blow with all my might.
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for.

When I can't feel you I have learned to reach out just the same.
When I can't hear you I know you still hear every word I pray.
And I want you more than I want to live another day.
And as I wait for you, maybe I'm made more faithful.

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right.
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
Knowing you're the only one who knows me, you know me.

Show me how I should live this.
Show me where I should walk.
I count this world as loss to me.
You are all I want.
You are all I want.

Faithful- Brooke Fraser

I've been listening to lies for such a long time. Lies of the enemy, when heard enough, become truths. But God is bigger, God is greater, and He has a hold of my life. I may not sense Him close every moment of every day but I know that He never leaves me and because of this I know that I can cry out to Him and He will hear my prayers. I cannot wait to see the purpose that God has for me, to know why it is that I'm here... But I am earnestly seeking His will and I have faith that it will be revealed to me in time. Until then I will wait for Him, and as I wait... I will be made more faithful.