Thunderstorms

You know that saying, when it rains it pours?  Lately I feel like my life has been a constant thunderstorm.  Things are being thrown at me left and right and just when it seems that nothing else could happen, something does.  Ha!  You wanna know something, though?  Satan doesn't get to win.

A week ago today Josh and I walked out to my car to go to lunch.  When the key turned in the ignition nothing happened; click, click, click...  We tried again.  Nothing.  Both of us let out a huge sigh and sat back, defeated, in our seats.  It was well over 100 degrees and the last thing that we needed was car trouble.  We figured it was a dead battery as nothing in the car was working, not even my phone charger.  So we called up his parents, who just so happened to be in the area, and they came to give us a lift.  With the help of my father-in-law the battery was replaced and we could all go on with our day.

That night I left a little early in order to make it to a friend's bachelorette dinner in Dallas.  I was sitting at a stop sign by our house with my left blinker on preparing to turn onto a busy road.  There were three cars on that road in the right turning lane and I didn't see any oncoming traffic behind them.  As I pulled out I saw a car to my left flying down the road straight toward me.  I screamed and shoved the gas pedal down as far as it would go but it was too late, he came slamming into my car at 60 mph sending me into a full 180 spin across the other lane.  When my eyes opened I was facing the direction I had just come from. There was an overwhelming smell of burning rubber in the air, my left ear was ringing and I felt as if my chest was going to explode.  Tears came bursting from my eyes as a scream escaped my lips and my entire body began to shake.  I sat there in disbelief as my anxiety took over - everything from my ears down started to tingle as a woman rushed to my door and yelled in if I was okay.  If you've ever dealt with anxiety you know that in a situation like this it shuts you down completely and takes over your body like a cancer spreading ferociously.  My ears were still ringing and hot tears streamed down my cheeks.  The woman opened my door, held my hand and asked if there was anyone I needed to call, I made a frantic call to Josh at work and then continued sitting there in my tears and shock.  The next ten minutes or so were a complete blur.

Before I knew it I was being pulled out of my car and placed on a stretcher, neck held tightly by a firm brace and my body strapped down from my head to my ankles.  As I looked up through blurry eyes I saw Josh arrive just as they were loading me into the ambulance.   Laying on that stretcher as we made our way to a hospital downtown was absolutely miserable.  My chest and neck were aching and a panic attack sent me into hyperventilation.  I remember the young man that accompanied me telling me to slow my breathing as he continued on with the game of twenty questions...  I looked up at the ceiling and closed my eyes as tight as they would go, more tears pouring out of my burning eyes.  Through struggled breaths I managed to cry out and say, "I wish my dad were here..."  I'm not sure if he understood what I said and chose to ignore it or if he didn't hear me at all but silence lingered in the air as I realized how silly I must have sounded.

After what seemed like an eternity we reached the hospital and they wheeled me to a small curtained trauma room.  I knew I was in pain, but that isn't saying much because my pain tolerance is unbelievably low... They pumped morphine though the IV in my arm as the doctor made his way in to ask me questions that I had been asked already by five different people.  Because I lost consciousness during the accident they had to run a series of tests, x-rays, CT scans, etc...  Mom and Tony walked into my quiet little area of the hospital and the sight of them brought tears out again.  Just to have someone there with me was a huge sigh of relief.  Josh had been stuck back at the scene of the accident dealing with all the not so fun things that come along with car wrecks.  Five hours later I was released with no broken bones and no internal injuries.  For being T-boned at 60 mph on the driver's side of my car I was incredibly lucky to be walking away with a few bumps and bruises.  A large helping of pain meds and muscle relaxers guided me into a deep sleep that night.

As if a trip to the hospital and having my car totaled wasn't enough I also had to deal with the police and was issued a ticket for failure to yield to oncoming traffic.  For the past week Josh and I have been able to manage with one car - although I have to say I'm not sure how other people do it.  We have begun the daunting task of looking for a new one and I am already exhausted.  I'm left with only two bruises, one from my seat belt and one from the IV, and am feeling much better - Thank the Lord!

Yesterday as Josh pulled out of the garage on our way to work he unknowingly backed out too close to the side which resulted in a smashed side mirror on his truck.  We both looked at each other as our stomachs churned and another thing was added to our list of to-do's.  I have 6 days left of work, new bills that are pouring in and no promise of a job in the near future.  Things are piling up and stress levels are at an all time high, but there is one thing I continue to remember through all of this.  God is good, all of the time.

I may not be able to see the reasoning behind all of the misfortune in our lives as of late, but I do have faith that the Lord will be faithful in His promises.  Yes, I am scared and yes I have anxieties about the road ahead but I will continue to be trusting and faithful to my Heavenly Father because He has a plan for us.  And for that, I am thankful!

Weddings, Pictures, and Random Thoughts

June already... Are you serious?

Where in the world did the first half of this year go?  Here's a quick update on the going's on for all of you who enjoy the updates. :)

Two weeks ago I flew up to Pittsburgh for my sweet cousin, Jessica's, wedding.  It was the first time I had seen some of my family members in 14 years!!  Jessie's wedding day was a dream, the weather was gorgeous - despite the threat of rain in the days preceding - and it was wonderful getting to catch up with my family.  Josh and Tony had to stay behind for work, but we girls had a grand ol' time.

For those of you who knew my dad well you knew that he was a brilliant photographer.  He would never admit to the fact or even claim to be good, but he was very talented and definitely a natural.  Some of his work hangs on the walls of the Fort Worth Pregnancy Center and he has also had images published in a book for TCU.  For those of you that know me well - you know I'm kind of a picture-holic.  Addicted to taking pictures.  I have way too many albums on Facebook and am embarrassed of the number of  "tagged photos" of myself, but there is something to say for having so many wonderful memories captured on film.  :P

In my dad's passing he left behind his belongings to our family to "share and share alike."  When you lose someone you love so deeply the last thing on your mind is, oh what did they leave me?  I did, however, ask my mom if I could have my dad's camera.   It meant the world to me.  Holding the body in my hands and peering through the same lens that he looked through millions of times makes me feel somewhat still connected to him.   With that being said, I've been trying to use the camera as much as possible, following in my dad's footsteps and capturing life's greatest moments picture by picture.  Below are some images that I've captured over the past few months. :)

Tomorrow marks 6 months since losing Dad.  I'm not sure how I'm feeling these days.  It's been quite the struggle for me recently as I've started to battle anger.  I am not an angry person by any stretch of the imagination so it's an incredibly difficult emotion for me to experience.  I still haven't figured out where my anger is directed, but it has definitely taken its toll on me.  We are just now starting down some rough roads - so please continue to lift my family up in prayer.  Strength, patience, compassion, understanding and grace are things that my family is in desperate need of right now.

July 1st is my official last day of work.  I start school on the 5th and finish on the 20th.  I am still on the job search and am starting to feel a little weary.  Faith and trust are two things that are not coming easily to me at the moment, but I do believe that God will be faithful.  If I haven't found a teaching position by the start of the new school year I will apply for every substitute position possible to try and keep myself on the right path.  Thank you so much for all of your prayers and encouragement - they really do help keep me going.

I hope this post wasn't too incredibly lengthy ;) As always thanks for keepin' up with us!  We love you all so much!

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me

These lyrics have been very near and dear to my heart as of late.  I heard this song the other day and it brought me to tears.  Why should I feel discouraged?!  Jesus is my portion, my constant friend is He!  I choke just trying to sing those words.  

There has been a lot of change in my life recently, as you are probably well aware of.  Last year I went through a lot, more than a normal person should ever have to go through, and that was all BEFORE Daddy died.  I had been fighting an uphill battle with anxiety and depression and was on the verge of conquering it.  I wanted to somehow symbolize my struggle and victory over these things physically and started to consider a tattoo.  Now if you know me at all this is incredibly shocking, I LOVE tattoos but have never, ever wanted one.  My rule was that I have to want it for a year before I can get it.  I showed the design to my parents one evening at dinner and to my surprise they both really loved it, even Dad.  Not three months later Daddy passed away.  I decided after that, that my decision to get this tattoo was made.  I went with my mom, aunt, uncle and sister and made it a reality.  It is a bird, a sparrow.  It reminds me that I am not alone, that God watches over me every minute, that He knows my tomorrows and my yesterdays and loves me for them.  I can remember the pain I felt in those dark moments and know that there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel and for that I am so very thankful.

Now its time for even more news!  I am now officially changing my career.  For the past two years and some odd months I have been working as the Operations Manager for a wonderful company based out of Fort Worth.  I have incredible coworkers; one of which is my husband, Josh, and the best boss anyone could ask for.  Why am I leaving then, you may ask?  Well, I was not made to sit in front of a computer screen for nine hours a day.  I crave human interaction and time with people!  Last fall I started to pray and fast.  I knew that I wasn't happy where I was and knew that if I were doing what God has called me to do, that shouldn't be an issue.  After much prayer it came to me; teaching.

I have NEVER ever wanted to be a teacher.  I didn't think it was for me.  But when I broke it all down and really thought about things I realized that it is right where God wants me.  I am happiest when I am around children, when I can make them smile, teach them something new and show them how incredible this world really can be.  I realized then that I wanted to teach, and I wanted to teach young children.  Kindergarten to be exact.  I recently passed my TExES exam (yay!) and am going to school in July (5th-20th) to obtain my alternative teaching certificate.  Right now I am in the process of teacher observations.  My time in the classroom has really reassured me that I am making the right choice.

I am incredibly sad to be leaving my job, like I said before, the people here are wonderful and I doubt there is a better boss than the one I have, but I have to do what the Lord is calling me to, that I know for sure.  All of this to say, we could really use your prayers right now.  No matter what I have to leave my job by the end of June so I can attend school full time in July.  We are praying that a teaching position finds its way to me before the end of summer so I can be employed and working come the start of the new school year in August.  Right now I am doing teacher observations at Dallas Park and Oakmont Elementary schools, but am not limited to the CISD.  Please continue to hold us in your thoughts and prayers as we take this huge step in a new direction.  

In other news, I started seeing a counselor one on one two weeks ago.  Tonight will be my third session. It hasn't been long enough for me to tell if it is making a difference or not but I refuse to just give up.  I know that with God anything is possible and I want to find victory over the tragedies in my life.  This is not something I can do alone and have made strides in the right direction.  I miss and think of my dad every single second of every day, and when I am asleep he finds his way into my dreams.  It is a gnawing ache that just doesn't go away.

Right now I am finding comfort in keeping myself busy.  When I am not at work or church I am at the gym or spending time with family and friends... Down time for me just doesn't happen these days.  Yesterday was wonderful, we celebrated Mother's Day as a family and got to play games and eat delicious food!  We spent some time at the Botanic Gardens taking pictures and then cooled off in the pool!  My mother is one of the strongest, most beautiful (inside and out), loving, selfless individuals I've ever had the privilege of knowing.  She is humble, sweet, compassionate and fun woman that we are all blessed to call mom and friend.  Yesterday wasn't easy for any of us, but I could not be more thankful to have a close family that can act as a support system for me at all times.  Happy Mother's day to the incredible "moms" in my life; My momma, Melanie Koch, Marsha Morgan, Darlene Chandler, Jane Rowe and SO many more!