Thankfulness

It's that time of year again.  Thanksgiving has rolled around and this morning I lay in bed thinking about this past year and all of the events it held.  It's slightly overwhelming to think of the vast variety of huge, life-altering events that have happened over the past year.  There are so many things to be thankful for and yet, at moments, I find it very difficult to find that thankful spirit within me.

This time last year I was typing up a blog about all of the things I was thankful for.  Smiling and filled with excitement at the previous year and the upcoming one as well.  This year I can find many things to add to my list but there is still one event that bogs it all down.

Losing my dad was and is the hardest thing I've ever had to experience in my life.  There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about and miss him.  Some days are better than others, and most days I'm finding genuine happiness, but there are those select days that just seem to weigh my spirit down.  I was in bed last night thinking about the Thanksgiving feasts we have planned for today.  My mind went back to last year, the whole family wrapped around the dining room table.  Dad perched comfortably in his seat at the head of the table with the rest of the family surrounding him.  We ate and ate, talked about our lives and all of the things we were thankful for.  He had this way about him.  He'd just sit there quietly, knowingly and listen.  With a glass of tea or a cup of coffee in his hand he'd sit back and watch each person as they discussed those things in their lives they were so abundantly thankful for.  I think it was always one of his proudest moments.  One of the few times we were all at a dining room table together.  He mentioned being thankful for his new grandson, for his growing family and all of the comforts the Lord had blessed us with.  He was never selfish in his thanks, it was always directed to his Heavenly Father and he was so eloquent with his words.  I got to sit to my dad's right, and during the prayer I cherished holding his strong, warm hand in mine.  I've always prided myself on being so much like my dad.  Followed in his traditions as I became an adult, adopted his mottos and good habits.  Today, as I think about all of the things in my life that I am thankful for it reminds me of him.  His constant urging for us to remember why we celebrated the holidays, why it is that we took time off work/school to spend time with family.  With Dad, there was always a reason for everything.

So today, I sit here, wanting to uphold the tradition.  What am I thankful for?  It's a question that has been gnawing at my heart.  Typically I'd make a list and elaborate on each item, but this year I think it is enough just to get them down.

First and foremost, I thank my Lord for watching over my family over this past year.  For providing us with comfort, friends, and family in a time of desperate need.  He is a faithful God and it is my absolute honor to be called his child.

This year held so much... Here are a few of the things I am thankful for:

• The freedom to love my Lord so freely, to worship in public and not be persecuted for it.

• My husband who is the most selfless man I've ever known, constantly encouraging me through my crazy adventures, pushing me to be the best I can be and loving me even in my darkest of moments.  

• This life that grows inside of me.  This baby is a miracle.  God has chosen Josh and I to be parents to a child and the feeling of being pregnant is one I never imagined.  It is overwhelmingly wonderful to know that in a few short months our family will go from two to three.  What a wonderful and incredible blessing.

• My family - having them close, healthy and growing.

• Friends.  Without them I'd be lost.

• A job... If you've followed my blog at all you'll know how thankful we are for a full time teaching job in this economy.  

• Food, shelter, clothing and modern comforts that I typically take for granted.

• Life.  I see now how fragile life is.  How easily it can be taken away, because of that I have learned to appreciate every moment, every breath and every hug.  

To all of our family, friends and loved ones, we wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.  May your day be filled with family and love... And if you remember, tell someone you care about that you are thankful for them.  Hold your families tightly today, hug them all a little tighter.

To my daddy, I am thankful most today to be your daughter.  Though you aren't here physically for me to hug or hold your hand during prayer, I know you are watching.  Those big brown eyes filling with tears of pride as you watch your family from Heaven.  We miss you, we love you... And I am so very thankful for the almost 49 years you blessed this world with your life.

Life's Little Blessings

I can't believe how long it has been since my last post!   Life has been so full we're simply bursting at the seems.  Here's a few updates. :)

Teaching has completely transformed my life.  Being a substitute definitely has its ups and downs.  A huge perk of subbing is that I got to step foot in several different teacher's classrooms, was exposed to several grades/ages and learned a TON.  The hardest part was definitely the fact that I wasn't able to form the relationships with staff and students that I had so desperately been wanting.  It's difficult to be wearing someone else's shoes day in and day out in their room with their kids.  A HUGE blessing came about two weeks ago.  I was presented the opportunity to interview for a fourth grade position in a classroom that had recently lost their teacher.  I was the substitute for this class prior to the interview and just continued to pray that God would lead me in the direction He desired.  After months of prayers, four interviews in two different districts and what seemed like hundreds of classrooms the Lord blessed me with the full time teaching job!!  My first day was Monday... It has been a whirlwind of a school year and I can only imagine what the next several months will be like.  Thank you all for your continued prayers and support!

Here are a few pictures from our crazy, busy lives these past two months. :)

Angie's birthday celebration.  Just missing Kristi!

Mom's house went on the market... Bittersweet.

Josh's 28th birthday, before Texas de Brazil.  Yumm!

Matty's 1st Birthday!  The cutest baby ever!!

Halloween with the sweetest little bear

And a little fun surprise....

That's right!  We are having a BABY!!!!!!!!  

We've had so much fun telling friends and family the big news.  One afternoon after school Josh and I went to visit his parents.  We had purchased a little frame with the word "Baby"on it and printed the following poem to be framed inside:

I do not have a face to see,
Or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss,
I don't yet have a name.
You can't yet hold my tiny hands,
Nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song,
Or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come June,
That's when the say I'm due.
I'm your new grandson or granddaughter,
I can't wait till I meet you.
All I ask between now and then,
Is your patience while I grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait,
Because of all the love we'll know.
So what I have to give you now,
is a wish to you from me.
I cannot wait to be a part
Of this wonderful family.

Steve and Marsha are thrilled to be grandparents!  This will be their first grandchild! 

Telling my family was really fun.  As most of you know we are big Settlers of Catan players.  With both sets of grandparents in for Matty's birthday party we took advantage of their presence and played a game.  During the game I played a "development card" that we had made prior to their arrival and yelled out, "I win!"  Athena refused to acknowledge the win because she knew I only had four points (you need 10 to win) but I insisted she look closely at the card.  She read it aloud, "We're having a baby!" then looked over at my mom who's jaw had dropped to the ground.  Mom mustered out the word, "REALLY?!" several times as I nodded my head and held back tears of joy.  

We've really had so much fun breaking the news to people and are elated that we can finally share it with everyone.  We are a little over 8 weeks and our little peanut is due sometime around June 12, 2012.  Just in time for my first summer vacation as a teacher!  We had our first sonogram on Tuesday October 25th and got to see our little bean's heartbeat.  It was so incredible and emotional.  I just laid there on the table, eyes locked on the monitor as they filled up with tears of excitement.

  

I have been utterly exhausted (which is why the updates are so far and few between) and pretty sick.  Luckily I'm able to keep all of my food down but the nausea doesn't seem to want to lay off.  Really looking forward to the second trimester. :)  We've been taking weekly pictures to document our sweet peanut's growth, at the end of my pregnancy it will be fun to put them together and see how much my belly grew.  I hope you'll check back for some more frequent updates!  We are so excited and happy to be able to share this with all of you.  Here's to a healthy and happy pregnancy!  :)

5 Weeks

6 Weeks

7 Weeks

8 Weeks

A Day in the Life of a Substitute Teacher

Never in my life have I felt a greater peace about a decision.  Walking down this path toward teaching has been by far the best choice I've ever made.  Thank you Lord for guiding me and speaking to me.

Last week I started work as a substitute teacher.  It isn't a very glamorous title - in fact, the word substitute holds a lot of stigmas.  Close your eyes and think about a sub, what do you see?  For me it is an older woman with a shin-length printed skirt, a wrinkled button up blouse and wool vest with pictures of apples and A+ all over it, glasses, disheveled hair and a bit of lipstick on her front tooth.  Alright, maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but that's where my mind goes.  

So many have told me that the gateway into teaching is starting off as a substitute.  Boy were they right.  

Last week I was the substitute teacher for a school's second grade teachers.  They were administering tests so I had a new class everyday.  The first day was a bit overwhelming, as I thought it would be.  There were a handful of students that put some fear in me but at the end of the day I still had my sanity and even a faint smile hanging on my face.  Every day after that it got a little better.  Each class was vastly different in the makeup of personalities and characteristics, I learned so much from other teachers and even my students.  

This week I have been blessed to work at two different schools.  On Monday I was a substitute for a fourth grade class.  I must admit that fear bubbled up inside of me at the mere mention of fourth graders.  Little people I'm good with! But I was nervous about going into an older age group.  This group of fourth graders was an absolute DREAM.  They were attentive, respectful and dare I say, even wanted to LEARN!  By the end of the day, though I was exhausted, I walked to my car, head held high with a big dopey grin across my face.  

The true test came today when I subbed for a fourth grade bilingual class.  I do have my ESL (English as a Second Language) certification and took three years of Spanish in high school, but lets face it, high school was ages ago and who paid attention in class anyway?  I sure didn't.  :)  

Needless to say I had my reservations.  The anticipation woke me up earlier than I would have liked and eagerness got me to school a whole 40 minutes early.  I sat patiently in the office waiting for an administrator to get to work and sign me in.  Before today I had been working at the same school everyday.  I had grown familiar with the children, staff and layout of the building along with procedures and expectations.  This was a very new environment for me.  As I made it to my classroom the hunt for lesson plans from the permanent teacher began.  Frantically looking in every possible place they could be I realized he hadn't left any.  Nerves shot through my body like lightning and panic started to take hold of my stomach.  In desperation I left my class to find a neighboring teacher who might be able to help.  All I can say is THANK THE LORD FOR CURTAIN PARTNERS!  The teacher next to me was also a fourth grade bilingual teacher.  She was an absolute blessing, taking the time to sit with me and give ideas of things to do throughout the day.  After my meeting with her the fear subsided and the excitement of teaching returned.

I had 10 students.  The day was a huge whopping success.  Before I knew it the announcements were on asking students to prepare for dismissal.  I'm typically not one to "toot my own horn" but I am VERY proud of myself today.  Being complemented on your ability to pronounce things with a Spanish accent by a fourth grader is quite the accomplishment.  :)  To add to that, I was also able to TEACH which is rare for a substitute.  I can't explain the wave of excitement that overcomes your body when you see your students understanding a concept.  Rounding decimals to the nearest tenth, hundredth... For not being a math teacher I rocked that one out of the park.

The stash of business cards I keep has been depleted and the phone has been ringing off the hook by schools requesting me as a substitute.  My heart is smiling right now simply because I feel God's hand at work.  This may not be what I initially desired, but I know that all good things come with time.  Patience has become a dear, old friend.  There is a permanent job out there for me somewhere, God just isn't finished growing it or me yet.  Until then, I'll continue to be a sponge, soaking up all of the knowledge I can find.  

I'd like to attempt to document all of the fun stories and quotes ... But this is enough for now.   :-D 

Mrs. Morgan

aka

"The coolest substitute ever." - Unnamed students :)

Encouragement from Beyond the Grave

There are a lot of things that I'd like to write about tonight.  Mostly, all of the events that have been going on in our lives as of late but for some reason I don't have the desire to elaborate.

My mom has decided to put her home on the market and build a new house closer to her church/Athena's school.  There are a lot of mixed emotions stirring around in my head and heart.  Around every corner, in every room, there is a different memory of my dad.  This is the last big part of Dad that I have left.  As she has been preparing the house to sell we've come across a few hidden treasures my dad left behind.  The first was a daily diary that he had kept, the year was 1991 - I was 5.  He writes about life, love, religion and daily struggles as well as some of the fond memories from his childhood.  I was reminded tonight of how incredible my dad's heart truly was.  He writes of his struggles to love and be selfless, how he strives to be a good example and his ever increasing desire to draw closer to his Heavenly Father.   One thing that really stuck out to me was his documentation of his memory of the day I fell out of the two story window in our town home.  He writes, "God reached out his hands that day and caught our falling sparrow.  Save a broken leg, Nicki "walked" away from her second-story fall.  Six months later, there was no trace of the fracture on her x-rays.  Sometimes I think it took longer for her parents to heal."  Tears poured from my eyes reading his words, "our little sparrow." It can't be a coincidence that the tattoo on my neck is just that.

The second little treasure was a book of poems.  These poems brought tears to my eyes.  I knew he had a love of poetry but I don't think I ever grasped the full span of his passion and incredible ability to write.  He even had poems published.

All of this has gotten me anxious to write again.  He was always trying to improve himself.  Whether it was his relationship with friends/family, the Lord, or his writing ability- he never got complacent.  I'm encouraged and inspired.  Who knew that even beyond the grave my dad would continue to push me toward the path of bettering myself?  As difficult as it was to read his thoughts and words I am so happy that he left those things behind for us to find.  I hope that someday, my children will be able to look back at the things I've written and find an appreciation for my heart, my mind and the life I've been blessed to live.  If I can be a fraction of the person that my dad was I will be forever content.

Missing him with every bit of my heart tonight.

When Doors Close

After my interview on Monday I was feeling pretty good.  The interview itself went wonderful.  The principal was kind and asked questions that I felt prepared for and I felt like I did a great job portraying myself and the teacher I want to be.  Tuesday came and went and I hadn't heard anything... Then Wednesday.  By Wednesday evening I had grown quite anxious and just when I didn't think I could wait any longer I got an email from the principal.  She said that it had been a pleasure getting to know me and that she thinks I will make a wonderful teacher but that she had chosen another candidate.  My heart sank into my feet.  It turns out that she had interviewed ten people and I had been in the top three.  The two that were above me both had teaching experience.  The only reason I wasn't offered the position was because I haven't passed my ESL exam yet.  I'm scheduled to take it on Tuesday... So while I am down because I wasn't offered the job, I feel a little better knowing that I was at least highly considered for the position. :)

So the day goes on and I try to keep my chin up.  I realize that I am back to square one, which is substituting for this school year and I am perfectly okay with that.  Well, last night, after a long bath to try and cool my anxieties, Josh and I went out for a walk.  Right as we headed down the driveway my neighbor came running up to me and said that her sister in law had just been talking to her about some teaching needs at her school.  A little background... Tuesday night I went to a Thirty-One (handbag) party that was thrown by my neighbor's sister in law.  At this party were mostly teachers from the elementary school right by my house.  Anyway, she took my resume and spoke with the principal at her school and even had them put me on the substitute list.  At this point in time it is looking like they are overenrolled and could possibly be looking to hire at the start of the school year... I am not getting my hopes up but am remaining positive that the Lord will lead me down the correct path when the time is right.  Needless to say, I am feeling more encouraged and hopeful that this is where I belong, I feel the Lord's hand moving and I am just sitting here waiting to jump on any opportunity He brings my way. :)

Today I woke up feeling happier...  I thought well, if one door closes then I'm determined to find an unlocked window.  I WILL be a teacher!  :)

Change Keeps on Comin'

I'm laying here in bed tonight having an incredibly difficult time finding sleep.  Its always the late nights that pull me under, not quite sure what it is about the night that does it.  Its been too long since I've updated and there is a lot to update so here goes nothing. :)

My last day of work was July 1st.  It was bittersweet leaving THG because it had been such a wonderful job.  I loved the people I worked with and had the best boss anyone could ask for, but I knew that God was calling me to do His will elsewhere.  That weekend was the fourth of July and it was spent with family and friends.  School started the following Tuesday.  ECAP was an incredible experience.  I have to say that there were moments I thought about pulling my hair out strand by strand, but overall it was worth it.  There were a handful of incredibly intelligent and creative instructors who really inspired me and reminded me why I wanted in this field to begin with.  On top of getting a great education I also had the pleasure of meeting a new, incredible friend.  It's amazing how God provides just when you need it.

Wednesday, July 24th, we headed down to Destin, FL for a family vacation with the Morgans.  We stayed in the same condo as last year and it was so relaxing spending time on the beach and soaking up the warm sun.  The break from Texas heat was nice!  We enjoyed delicious food, I had my first deep sea fishing adventure and even went parasailing!  Before leaving we were able to take some family pictures on the beach for Steve and Marsha.

Now that I am finished with school I have been continuing on with the job search.  Its been a struggle not to get defeated.  You hear so much talk about how bad the job market is and how no one is getting hired, etc...  After applying to countless schools and districts to no avail I had decided that becoming a substitute teacher was the right avenue to take for now.  Last night I was over at mom's house spending time with my Aunt Brenda and cousin Emily and family when I got a phone call from Josh.  He had just gotten off the phone with his mom who told him of a teaching position that had just opened up at one of the schools where she teaches.  Long story short, I have my first interview Monday at 3:00.  I am elated but trying not to get ahead of myself.  It would be such a blessing to be offered this position.  It seems like I've been praying nonstop for provision from the Lord... Hoping that this could be the opportunity that turns things around for me.  As always, prayers are needed and so appreciated.

I feel a little foolish sitting here tonight feeling so down.  There is so much in life to be thankful for... Countless blessings that I experience everyday and yet I feel like there is a huge gaping hole in my heart and my soul.  The gnawing ache inside of my heart that Dad left behind has only gotten bigger.  I see my family clinging to whatever they can to get through each day and can't help to think how different things would be if he were still here holding us all together.  After I found out about my interview I picked up my phone to call him.  Its the first time I've done so since he died.  I wanted nothing more than to sit and talk with him about my excitement and pick his brain for what to do/say in my interview.  When reality came crashing back down it felt as if an 18-wheeler slammed right into my chest.  Time doesn't make this better.  I know the only thing that can fill the void is seeking out my Heavenly Father.  I wont lie though, sometimes that is just so much harder than it sounds.  We crave the flesh, the things we can feel and see.  I'd do anything to get to sit in my dad's arms one more time, to see him smile at me with those big hazel eyes and grin as I ramble on about my exciting news.  It's amazing how much we take relationships for granted.  It's the little things I miss most; just his presence in the house, his laughter when he tells a joke that he knows is really funny, the way he would yell at the Cowboys when they didn't do what he wanted, his gentle voice as he led our family in prayer...  Its as if a vacuum sucked out the essence of him the moment I heard my mom scream.  There are some sounds you just can't drown out.   Tonight I just really want my dad.

Thunderstorms

You know that saying, when it rains it pours?  Lately I feel like my life has been a constant thunderstorm.  Things are being thrown at me left and right and just when it seems that nothing else could happen, something does.  Ha!  You wanna know something, though?  Satan doesn't get to win.

A week ago today Josh and I walked out to my car to go to lunch.  When the key turned in the ignition nothing happened; click, click, click...  We tried again.  Nothing.  Both of us let out a huge sigh and sat back, defeated, in our seats.  It was well over 100 degrees and the last thing that we needed was car trouble.  We figured it was a dead battery as nothing in the car was working, not even my phone charger.  So we called up his parents, who just so happened to be in the area, and they came to give us a lift.  With the help of my father-in-law the battery was replaced and we could all go on with our day.

That night I left a little early in order to make it to a friend's bachelorette dinner in Dallas.  I was sitting at a stop sign by our house with my left blinker on preparing to turn onto a busy road.  There were three cars on that road in the right turning lane and I didn't see any oncoming traffic behind them.  As I pulled out I saw a car to my left flying down the road straight toward me.  I screamed and shoved the gas pedal down as far as it would go but it was too late, he came slamming into my car at 60 mph sending me into a full 180 spin across the other lane.  When my eyes opened I was facing the direction I had just come from. There was an overwhelming smell of burning rubber in the air, my left ear was ringing and I felt as if my chest was going to explode.  Tears came bursting from my eyes as a scream escaped my lips and my entire body began to shake.  I sat there in disbelief as my anxiety took over - everything from my ears down started to tingle as a woman rushed to my door and yelled in if I was okay.  If you've ever dealt with anxiety you know that in a situation like this it shuts you down completely and takes over your body like a cancer spreading ferociously.  My ears were still ringing and hot tears streamed down my cheeks.  The woman opened my door, held my hand and asked if there was anyone I needed to call, I made a frantic call to Josh at work and then continued sitting there in my tears and shock.  The next ten minutes or so were a complete blur.

Before I knew it I was being pulled out of my car and placed on a stretcher, neck held tightly by a firm brace and my body strapped down from my head to my ankles.  As I looked up through blurry eyes I saw Josh arrive just as they were loading me into the ambulance.   Laying on that stretcher as we made our way to a hospital downtown was absolutely miserable.  My chest and neck were aching and a panic attack sent me into hyperventilation.  I remember the young man that accompanied me telling me to slow my breathing as he continued on with the game of twenty questions...  I looked up at the ceiling and closed my eyes as tight as they would go, more tears pouring out of my burning eyes.  Through struggled breaths I managed to cry out and say, "I wish my dad were here..."  I'm not sure if he understood what I said and chose to ignore it or if he didn't hear me at all but silence lingered in the air as I realized how silly I must have sounded.

After what seemed like an eternity we reached the hospital and they wheeled me to a small curtained trauma room.  I knew I was in pain, but that isn't saying much because my pain tolerance is unbelievably low... They pumped morphine though the IV in my arm as the doctor made his way in to ask me questions that I had been asked already by five different people.  Because I lost consciousness during the accident they had to run a series of tests, x-rays, CT scans, etc...  Mom and Tony walked into my quiet little area of the hospital and the sight of them brought tears out again.  Just to have someone there with me was a huge sigh of relief.  Josh had been stuck back at the scene of the accident dealing with all the not so fun things that come along with car wrecks.  Five hours later I was released with no broken bones and no internal injuries.  For being T-boned at 60 mph on the driver's side of my car I was incredibly lucky to be walking away with a few bumps and bruises.  A large helping of pain meds and muscle relaxers guided me into a deep sleep that night.

As if a trip to the hospital and having my car totaled wasn't enough I also had to deal with the police and was issued a ticket for failure to yield to oncoming traffic.  For the past week Josh and I have been able to manage with one car - although I have to say I'm not sure how other people do it.  We have begun the daunting task of looking for a new one and I am already exhausted.  I'm left with only two bruises, one from my seat belt and one from the IV, and am feeling much better - Thank the Lord!

Yesterday as Josh pulled out of the garage on our way to work he unknowingly backed out too close to the side which resulted in a smashed side mirror on his truck.  We both looked at each other as our stomachs churned and another thing was added to our list of to-do's.  I have 6 days left of work, new bills that are pouring in and no promise of a job in the near future.  Things are piling up and stress levels are at an all time high, but there is one thing I continue to remember through all of this.  God is good, all of the time.

I may not be able to see the reasoning behind all of the misfortune in our lives as of late, but I do have faith that the Lord will be faithful in His promises.  Yes, I am scared and yes I have anxieties about the road ahead but I will continue to be trusting and faithful to my Heavenly Father because He has a plan for us.  And for that, I am thankful!