Random Thoughts... Having a lot of these lately.

The morning of my dad's funeral, his 49th birthday, I woke up and laid in bed for a good while just looking up at the ceiling.  I cried.  I prayed.  And then finally I got myself up and showered.  I wanted to look beautiful for my dad's birthday.  I put make up on for the first time in 4 days.  Looking back I truly don't know how I got through that day.

Tuesday morning, before his death, I posted on his facebook page telling him how much I loved him and asked if we could have a daddy/daughter date really soon.  I was not ready for him to go, I need my dad.  In my last voicemail to him that dreadful day I sat on their front porch and cried, "Daddy, please pick up the phone... I need you."  I still need him. I had written a letter to my dad during that past week. Writing to him helped a lot.  I would sit in my car parked in front of the house and just write.  What came out has already been posted here, it was also read by me at his funeral.

As I sat in the waiting room next to our dear family friend, the big sister I never had, Nikki, a song came into my heart... I started to hum as I lay in her lap and she joined in with me.  There were probably fifty or so people waiting in that back room to be ushered into his funeral, as we sang everything disappeared.  It was just us two and our voices.   I know that God placed this song in my heart that day... Every time I hear it, it takes me back.  Not to a bad place, not to pain or anger, but to worship.  I'll never hear it the same again.

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom