Recovering from a Downward Plunge on the Suicide Roller Coaster.

Losing a parent is terrible.  Losing a parent at a young age is even worse.  Losing a parent to suicide is utterly impossible.

It’s been two and a half years since I lost my dad and the roller coaster of emotions has not subsided.   I was dusting my nightstand the other day and in the process cleaned the memorial my mom had made after his death.  In the middle of cleaning I lost my breath and fell to my knees as tears streamed from my eyes.  The ache of missing him just doesn’t get any better.  

What’s really terrible is that I haven’t been to the mausoleum since last year.  There is something very heavy about going there.  It’s a beautiful place, really… But I cannot express to you how difficult it is to look up at a wall of tiny glass cubbies filled with ornate vases that are filled with burnt up bodies.  I’m terribly sorry if that is too morbid for you, but that is exactly what I think every time I go.  I see my dad’s urn way up high and think that complete strangers in this cold, strange place surround him… I guess there really is no happy place for someone’s body to lay to rest, but for some reason it’s just overwhelming to go.  

Now, I am a Christian and I firmly believe in heaven and hell, so I know that my dad’s soul is not in that tiny little box on the wall.  But there brings the debate that no one dares to utter out loud.  Heaven or hell?  My dad was the driving force behind my faith.  He taught me to love as Christ loves me, to forgive even when the person doesn’t deserve forgiveness, to give until there is nothing left to give and then give a little more, and to follow Christ with complete and total trust.  My dad was an amazing man of God.   His last words in his letter were, “God forgive me…”  That keeps me up at night.   I pray that He did.  The difficult part is that I don’t know.   I won’t get to have this question answered until I am called Home.  Will my daddy be standing behind those gates eagerly awaiting my arrival with open arms and tears running down his face?  Gosh, I hope so.  But the thought of him being nowhere in sight crushes my soul.  It’s a thought I battle daily. 

Callie is now walking, talking and becoming her own little person.  She makes me so proud.  So fulfilled.  Yet, every time I see her I think of him; how he always talked about getting his girl… Ugh.  He missed it by a year!!!   She doesn’t know any better, and her “Big Daddy” is an incredible grandfather… What she is missing from my dad she truly does get from him, but I still hurt for her.  No one should have to grow up without their grandpa.  Without ever even getting the chance to be held by him or hear him utter “I love you.” 

I play that day in my head over and over and over… It haunts me.  I’ve never written about it because I don’t want to bring that many people into pure devastation and pain.  Sometimes I wonder, if I wrote it all down, would it finally leave me alone?  Probably not.  And I’m too scared to relive it all just for the memory to grow stronger.  Yet another question that remains to be answered.  

Please don’t get me wrong; I am SO happy and content in my life.  Josh and Callie bring me a happiness that cannot be explained.  I adore my family and friends and have truly been blessed with a wonderful life.   But all of that doesn’t cancel out the pain that festers in my heart from losing my dad.  Unfortunately, this roller coaster is just recovering from a downward plunge {hence the melancholy tone of this post}, but the good news is that with every plunge comes the climb back to the top…. I’m just holding on for dear life hoping that the next drop isn’t as fast and deep as the last.