Weekend in Austin

I haven't really done much writing on catchin you up with our lives lately.  Guess now would be a good time. :)

Two weekends ago Josh took me down to Austin for a weekend away.  We stayed with his aunt and uncle while we were there.  Their home was absolutely beautiful and it was great getting to catch up with family.

We got into Austin Friday night and Carol and Bob took us out to Salt Lick BBQ.  This place was awesome, there were SO many people there.  The atmosphere is just as amazing as the food.  They had a live band outside and the weather was perfect.  We really enjoyed getting to finally try Salt Lick and our time chatting with family.

Saturday we slept in and had a wonderful breakfast complements of Carol - and Bob... He shot an Elk last year and we were lucky enough to have some elk sausage.  It was actually really tasty.  A little weird though considering the elk was mounted on the wall right in front of me.  I felt like he was staring me down as I ate him.  Yeah- a little weird.

After breakfast they showed us around town - a side of Austin I had never seen before.  We had a delicious lunch and then visited the Capitol.  It was my first time ever getting to see the Capitol up close.  It's simply beautiful and SO big.  After that we all went to see True Grit and I loooooved it!

The weekend was really refreshing, but I was happy to get back home on Sunday.  There really is no place like home. :)

Beloved

So thankful for a God who provides comfort and wisdom and hope at the perfect moments.  I've heard this song so many times but it's never struck a chord in me until today...  I hope it touches your heart the way it did mine.

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'am the giver of life
I'll clothe you in whine
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life

Cause you're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
& it binds you to me

You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery
It's a mystery

Beloved - Tenth Avenue North

Psalm 71:20-21 & Session 3

** I FEEL AS THOUGH THIS BLOG NEEDS A WARNING: IF YA DON'T WANT TO CRY OR FEEL SAD, OR FEEL ANY EMOTION BUT HAPPY AND SEE SUNSHINE, BUTTERFLIES AND RAINBOWS, THEN STOP HERE**

Last night as I embarked on my 20 minute drive to the Warm Place I had an aching burn in my stomach, a frog in my throat and a feeling of hopelessness.  I've described it before as feeling like I'm a shell of who I used to be.  This week that has really come true.

Group started just as it always does, feet flat on the floor, eyes closed, deep breathing... During my time of "not thinking" this time I couldn't help but think.  The past two times I have gone to this field, its these beautiful rolling hills covered in waist high amber colored grass, the wind making beautiful patterns on them as the sun shines down from behind me.  Alone.  Smiling.  Breathing.  This time I just couldn't make it there.  I closed my eyes and saw pain.  I saw despair, I saw a hole in my soul and a broken heart.  As I opened my eyes one of the instructors looked right at me as if he knew exactly what I just saw.  He asked me if I was okay, what I was thinking, asked if I had brought something in with me to group tonight.  All I could muster out was a nod, as my eyes flooded with tears.  We then went around the group and said the normal introduction mumbo jumbo, "Hi, my name is Nicki, I lost my dad, his name was Galen."  Each person took their turn and then we started our activity for the night.

They put in an episode of a sitcom I had never seen before.  It's about this family of 5, a mom, dad, son and two daughters.  It started off with the two girls arguing over something trivial and the son coming down for breakfast.  The phone rings and the mom answers.  She sits down.  Stops breathing.  The next scene is them sitting together as a family crying.... their dad had died of a heart attack while grabbing some items at the grocery store.   As the episode went on each character went through a different type of emotion.  They had to put his clothes away, the wife had to look at an empty bed and decide whether or not she wanted to sleep in it, the kids played the what if, if only, game.... I had to hold my breath and look away countless times throughout the show.  I tore my lip to pieces biting at it so hard until it bled.  I couldn't look around the room, I couldn't make eye contact with anyone.  I was reliving every single second of the day and days after Dad's death.

The episode ended and again the male instructor looked straight at me.  "Nicki? What are you thinking?  What about this episode has made you cry?  What is the reason for your tears?"  I just looked at him through the blur of burning tears.  No words would form.  I took a breath, made a quick glance around a room of eyes looking right into my soul.  I started to talk, nothing came out but an awkward, uncontrollable sob.  I put my hands up and apologized.   Shook my head, I couldn't talk.  I ended up mustering out something about the fact that the video just made me relive everything all over again and that it was simply too much to handle.  I zoned out after they moved on from me and group was over in a flash.  I cried the entire way home.  I cried when I got home.  It seems that I was wrong about crying so much that you just don't have anymore tears.

One particular moment that stands out to me today is when the mother character was asked, what can I do for you, is there anything I can do?  She replied helplessly with, can you bring him back?  I cannot tell you how many times someone has asked me that question with good intentions.  What do you need? I need my Dad....  I know its not fair to respond in that manner, it makes the person asking uncomfortable and it only hurts me more, but it is true.  Everything else around you becomes trivial... The only thing that you can think about is getting that person back.

I have a lot of unfinished conversations with my dad.  I have a lot of things that I need to ask him.  Things that I want to tell him, things he'd be so proud of.  And every time I grab my phone I see his name on my list...  I haven't called the number, afraid that someone else will answer and my dad's relation to that number will have been wiped away.

All of this to say.... I've been told by many people that there is no RIGHT way to grieve.  I will have great progress for a week, maybe two and then all of a sudden, out of absolutely nowhere, will fall down the hill and smack my face on the brick wall at the bottom.  -- Okay, I'm being a little dramatic... But when you're feeling down dramatic is the only thing you know.

So today I took solace in this verse.  All I can do is continue to pray that the Lord will give me strength and bring me comfort, that in the end when I finally get to Heaven, this pain and sorrow will melt away. I am looking forward to that day, that day where I get to meet my maker and see my daddy again.

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Psalm 71:20-21 

Session 2 and whatnot

Last week I had my second group therapy session.  This time was a lot less awkward.  I knew the people in the room and felt like I could be myself.  It started off, like every session does, with eyes closed, deep breathing and absolutely no thinking.  It helps to clear the mind of any of the day's anxieties or stresses.  After that we go around and say a little something each.  I swear I giggle every time our "counselor" introduces himself, "Hello my name is ....  and ....." I always think of, "Hello, my name is Nicki and I am an alcoholic." :-D

Anyway, we then moved onto what that night had in store.  They had a backpack filled with rocks, each person had to put the backpack on and walk around carrying the weight.  The rocks in the bag each had an emotion or feeling on them, it was to represent the struggle it can be when we walk around with emotions, feelings and anxieties in our head and hearts.  Most said the backpack wasn't too heavy, I picked it up and it made me fall back over, haha.  Anyway, the rock I pulled had the word CONFIDENCE written on it.  The two before me got ENVY and GUILT, and I get confidence?!  We had to use that word and relate it to how we are feeling about the death of our loved one.  I literally looked up and said, are you kidding me? My dad just committed suicide two months ago and you want me to tell you how its made me confident?!

I sat there with tears in my eyes trying to think about how it has made me more confident.  The one thing that popped into my head was that suddenly, pretty much after he passed, I lost my fear of singing in front of other people.  He always loved it so much when I'd sing, he made it to almost every choir concert and musical I attended, he even went to take pictures while we practiced.  He was so proud of me and always wanted me to be less shy when people asked me to sing.  He was the one who really encouraged me to start playing guitar.  I feel like I suddenly have the strength and confidence to sing out loud and use the gifts God has given me.   I never really put the two together until that night.  I cried saying that I wish he were here to see it, to be proud, to hold me and tell his friends how much he loves me.  They asked me if he'd be proud and I said yes... I just wish I could see and feel it.

The night went on and other rocks were pulled, HOPE, ANGER, REGRET.... All of those got  me thinking, each one applied to me and how I am dealing with this.  It was a wonderful night full of sharing and growing, but it has made for quite a hard week.

Monday was Valentine's Day... It was also the 14th.  The two month mark.  Instead of going out on a date alone with Josh we decided to stick with our new tradition of dinner and games with the entire family every 14th of the month.  Josh made amazing steaks and we had yummy green beans, asparagus, baked potatoes, and garlic bread.  After dinner we played a game of Farkle, Mel got lucky and won... But I was second place so I'm not too bitter. :)

I won't lie to you, I am definitely struggling.  There are days where I think, I'll be just fine.... and then there are days where I feel like I just can't make it through the morning.  Getting out of bed is extremely difficult.  For the past week or so he has been in my dreams every single night.  I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing yet.  All I know is that I miss him desperately.  I know we all do.  I just wear it on my sleeve.

I'm attending my third session tonight and have no idea what is in store, but I'm actually looking forward to it.  I want growth, I want help, I want to feel semi normal again.  I truly think that this will help me.  That and the power of prayer.  I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength.  To God be ALL of the glory even in the darkest times of our lives.

Session 1

Tuesday night was my first group counseling session at the Warm Place.  There are 10 of us in the group, all between the ages of 19-25, I think I am the oldest.  There are two moderators that are in the room with us to keep things rolling and keep everyone on topic, they have both had a lot of experience in this sensitive area of losing a loved one and were very nice.

At first I was really nervous.  I wasn't looking forward to sharing my story with strangers.  But the atmosphere was very welcoming.  We all went around the room and introduced ourselves and then each had the opportunity to pass around a picture of the loved one we had lost and to tell why we were there.  Stories ranged from loss of parents due to natural causes, to loss of siblings, aunts, etc...  Every story was difficult to hear and you could tell that each person was feeling such a loss in their life.

Some were there for their second session, having gotten so much from the first 8 weeks that they wanted to come back for another.  Everything that is said in group is confidential and I plan on keeping it that way, but there was a girl sitting next to me, couldn't be more than 20 and her story just pierced my heart.  It was almost refreshing to be around a group of people who share a similar pain.

Telling the story of how Dad died was very difficult for me.  I am the only one in group who has lost a family member to suicide.  I'm hoping that throughout the next few weeks I'll learn a lot and grow from everything that has happened.  I'm really glad that I'm going to this despite the anxiety I feel in sharing such intimate details of my thoughts and feelings.  Please continue to pray for me and my family as we walk down this road to our "new" lives.  It hasn't even been two months yet and things are still so shaken.

On a happier note,  tonight is Athena's last basketball home game of the season.  We are getting ready to head out and cheer her on.  I can't believe its the end of her Freshman basketball season.  Dad would be SO proud of her.   I know I am. :)

Little Life Update

It's about time for another post!  Things have been pretty quiet around here, last week we were completely stuck at home in the snow storm.  There are many perks to working from home, unfortunately when you work from home snow days do not exist.  So as our friends and family were at home enjoying their snow days we were at home working away.  Needless to say I got cabin fever very quickly and as soon as the sun was out drying up the snow I was out of the house.

Friday evening was spent with my family at Mom's house, we finally got together and watched the last two episodes of Dexter.  It was a show that Dad got us all into and we watched it as a family (minus Athena, just too young for that kind of show) every Sunday night.  After Dad died we still had two episodes left and it was just too difficult to watch, but we finally sat down and got to enjoy the end of the season.

Saturday was my mother in law's birthday, so we took her out to lunch with the family to Uncle Julios.  The food was wonderful and she seemed to really have a good time.  Later that night I got all dressed up to go into Dallas to "work."  I've been doing promotional modeling for the past 5 years or so now and sometimes I get asked to do really awesome events.  This was one of them.  I was asked to dress up, as if I were going out with the girls, and show up at the DirectTV VIP Super Bowl Party in Dallas.  All I had to do was hang out with attendees and enjoy the night and I got paid to do it!!!  Samantha Ronson was the guest DJ and Usher came and performed.  It was a really great night and I had a ton of fun, it definitely didn't feel like work. :)  Here's some pics of me and a couple other of the girls.  Three of them were sisters, and they were all so sweet.

Sunday was our Friends' Sunday at church and Bob Lilly, a former Super Bowl winning Cowboy, came to Travis to speak.  Before church I had the chance to be close to him, I didn't walk up and shake his hand, I couldn't muster up the strength.  Not because I was star struck, but because all I could think was, Daddy would have LOVED to meet him.  Later that night we headed over to our friend's Michael and Kim's house for the Super Bowl.  The girls had one room and the guys were in another.  The food was incredible and the company was even better.  This is the first super bowl that I've watched the entire way through.  It was a blast.

Tonight is my first night of group counseling.  I've been having a little bit of a difficult time processing everything that has happened in the past month and a half.  Losing Dad has completely rocked my world in the worst possible way and I am struggling to keep my head up daily.  God is so good, and I do lean on him but probably not as much as I aught to be.  Someone suggested to me this place where young adults of like ages get together and talk about the experience of losing a loved one.  Each person in the group is between the ages of 19-27 and has recently lost a loved one.  There will be 8 weeks of sessions, every Tuesday night.  It is supposed to help me process his death, deal with things that are going on, and to relate to others who have been in similar situations.  I have to admit that I'm a little anxious.  I'm not looking forward to breaking down in front of a bunch of strangers, but I know that this is a safe place and that I won't be the only one there who cries.  Our assignment for tonight, being the first night, is to bring a picture of the loved one that we have lost.  It's been really hard for me to pick a picture of Daddy to bring.  There are so many good ones and they all make me cry.  I just know holding that photo up tonight in front of these people will break me down- but maybe that's what I need right now.  Who knows. :)

I am still blessed everyday by some amazing friends and my wonderful family.  I cannot complain because I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and people to love.  But I do miss my dad every minute.  People keep telling me that wont change, that I'll just learn how to deal with it.  Not sure how that will happen or when it will come, but until then I'll keep missing him and trying to grow from the experience.

Thanks so much for keeping up with us and what's going on in my small life.  Your words of encouragement, emails and messages have really been uplifting and its encouraging to see so many people come together to show their love and support.  We love you all and continue to ask for your prayers. :)