Wednesday, April 7

Holding God's Hand...

Yesterday was a much anticipated doctors appointment for me.  Back in 2005 I had my right ovary removed.  It was a routine surgery to remove what they thought was a cyst.  After opening me up they realized that it was not a cyst at all but a tumor, and it had completely taken over my ovary.  We were so thankful to learn that it was benign and that everything would get better. 

Here we are five years down the road and I still have terrible pain every once in a while.  I've been in and out of doctors offices, on medicines, off medicines... I have recently started to feel like a guinea pig.  A test subject.  Well, we just don't know what's wrong with you so let's try this out.  It's always, let's give it some time, come back in a few months if it's still bad.  Well I've finally had enough.

I met with the surgeon who preformed my surgery to talk yesterday.  They ran some tests, did an ultrasound and he gave me two choices.  The first choice was to take the passive route; wait another three months or so, if the pain and other issues continue, come back and we'll do a laproscopic surgery.  Or take the aggressive route and do the surgery now.  Tired, defeated and absolutely at the end of my rope, we scheduled the procedure. 

One possible diagnosis that keeps getting thrown around is endometriosis.  A word that I absolutely despise.  A word that makes me cringe.  A word that sends worries and anxieties shooting through my brain.  This surgery is the only way that endometriosis is diagnosed.  Sure I have all of the symptoms but it's not easily diagnosed... the only way is to open me up and take a looksy.  If they happen to find this while they're in there they will burn what they can find.  There is no cure for endometriosis.  It is something that I would have to live with my entire life.  It is manageable, but the one word that comes up that breaks my heart every time is infertility.  I've known several women with this who have had children, so I am hopeful.  But I am also human.  I worry, I get anxious. 

Another option is that I have scar tissue from my surgery 5 years ago that has attached somewhere in my abdomen and is causing issues.  THIS is what we're hoping for.  If they go in and find this they'll burn it, stitch me up, and we'll all move on with our lives.  Lord willing.

If they find nothing.... they stitch me up and we look at other possible options.  This surgery will give me peace of mind.  Answers.  No matter what, when I wake up I will have an answer.  Even if it is, "sorry we couldn't find anything."

The procedure is scheduled for April 23rd.  It will be quick and hopefully minimally invasive.  I'm not writing about this to get sympathy.  That is not what I want at all.  I'm writing about this because it's on my mind.  Its weighing heavy on my heart and this is where I go when I need to vent.  Prayers, of course, are always appreciated.  I'm taking a deep breath right now, not thinking too far ahead, and taking a firm grip on God's hand, clinging tight to the knowledge that He already knows the outcome.  He already knows if there are children in our future and He has already started to prepare my heart for the journey.  I am holding on tight knowing that He is walking beside me.  Not letting go. 

1 comment:

Angela said...

Hey, sweetie! I will be praying for you!