Monday, December 27

A New Way of Living

On Tuesday, December 14th, 2010 my life was flipped completely upside down.  It was on this day that I lost my dad.

It's been almost two weeks and I am still not able to wrap my mind around his death.  I'm on the phone with him one minute and the next... he's gone.

I've been contemplating in my mind over and over if I should write about what happened.  I sat down one night last week and just typed away... I had to get all of the emotion and darkness out.  I needed to write about it, to get it on paper so it would no longer be bashing around in my head.  What came out is far too raw and personal for the web, but it was out of me and I could breathe a little easier.

I honestly don't know what to say.

Words won't form in ways that make sense.

A close friend of my dad keeps a blog.  She suffered from a hormonal imbalance and hit rock bottom a little over a year ago.  She writes to help others that may be suffering from the same painful ailments to give hope and insight into a dark world that not many people will talk about; depression and suicide.

She created a post after hearing of my dad's passing.  It was incredibly difficult for me to read, especially going back and reading what my dad had written to her in response to one of her posts earlier this year.  But her perspective is unique and it helped me to understand things a little better.  Since I cannot find the words to say, maybe you can find answers in hers.  You can find the post here

I'm not quite sure how to move on.  I know that, Lord willing, tomorrow will come and somehow I'll find the strength to get up and breathe another breath.  Some days are worse than others.  It's been an emotional roller coaster and I'm truly exhausted.  My dad's funeral was beautiful.  Christmas was spent with family.  I wont lie, it was hard.  Every minute possible for the past two weeks has been spent with my immediate family.  I've been talking to my mom this morning, telling her how much I miss her.  We wish that we could just stay together everyday, laughing and playing games in our own little world.  But that's not reality.  It's not healthy.

We have to find a new way of living.  I hurt.  I miss him.  Every second of every day I miss my dad.  We shared a bond that most fathers and daughters aren't lucky enough to have.  I didn't just lose my dad, I lost my confidant, my friend.  I do feel robbed, cheated... It's not fair.  But I know that God is good.  He is faithful, merciful and full of grace.  I am seeking my purpose and solitude in Him.  Dwelling in the knowledge that He is my savior, my redeemer, my comforter, my strength, my shelter and my Heavenly Father.  I am on this Earth for a reason.  I am determined to follow through with the path that He has paved for me.  It may get dark, seemingly impossible at times, but I will follow my God wherever he leads me.  I am thankful for my life.  Thankful to get to live one more day and smile knowing that someday I will get to be with my dad again... Not any time soon, but someday.  And because of that, I will be okay.


Bethany DuBose said...

IT is true... you will make it. It will be hard, but you are strong and God is on your side!!! We are praying for you and your family!!!!

Kim said...

I know your Lord is so proud of you, Nicki. I know there are moments in your day when you don't feel His arms around you, but He is there I promise. My prayer for you is that you experience His sweet presence in such a way that you literally feel His breath upon your cheek. He's that close, Nicki. Grasp onto that truth every second of every day. I know you must be exhausted...physically, mentally and emotionally. I pray that you will find new strength, a strength that looks different today than it did yesterday...and certainly different than it did on your days prior to December 14th. In fact, a lot will look different to you now. You will see situations in life with a different perspective. As the strain of each day passes, you will begin to allow those perspectives to change who you deepen your become more intimate with your Savior than you ever dreamed touch others in ways that, although willing, you were not able to do before...and to allow Christ to give purpose to indescribable pain. The Lord will use you, Nicki. But for now.....for now, just rest in Him. Allow yourself to be weak. Allow others the privilege of carrying you through this difficult time. Know that you are being placed at His feet every day, sweet girl. Love you.