His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me

These lyrics have been very near and dear to my heart as of late.  I heard this song the other day and it brought me to tears.  Why should I feel discouraged?!  Jesus is my portion, my constant friend is He!  I choke just trying to sing those words.  

There has been a lot of change in my life recently, as you are probably well aware of.  Last year I went through a lot, more than a normal person should ever have to go through, and that was all BEFORE Daddy died.  I had been fighting an uphill battle with anxiety and depression and was on the verge of conquering it.  I wanted to somehow symbolize my struggle and victory over these things physically and started to consider a tattoo.  Now if you know me at all this is incredibly shocking, I LOVE tattoos but have never, ever wanted one.  My rule was that I have to want it for a year before I can get it.  I showed the design to my parents one evening at dinner and to my surprise they both really loved it, even Dad.  Not three months later Daddy passed away.  I decided after that, that my decision to get this tattoo was made.  I went with my mom, aunt, uncle and sister and made it a reality.  It is a bird, a sparrow.  It reminds me that I am not alone, that God watches over me every minute, that He knows my tomorrows and my yesterdays and loves me for them.  I can remember the pain I felt in those dark moments and know that there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel and for that I am so very thankful.

Now its time for even more news!  I am now officially changing my career.  For the past two years and some odd months I have been working as the Operations Manager for a wonderful company based out of Fort Worth.  I have incredible coworkers; one of which is my husband, Josh, and the best boss anyone could ask for.  Why am I leaving then, you may ask?  Well, I was not made to sit in front of a computer screen for nine hours a day.  I crave human interaction and time with people!  Last fall I started to pray and fast.  I knew that I wasn't happy where I was and knew that if I were doing what God has called me to do, that shouldn't be an issue.  After much prayer it came to me; teaching.

I have NEVER ever wanted to be a teacher.  I didn't think it was for me.  But when I broke it all down and really thought about things I realized that it is right where God wants me.  I am happiest when I am around children, when I can make them smile, teach them something new and show them how incredible this world really can be.  I realized then that I wanted to teach, and I wanted to teach young children.  Kindergarten to be exact.  I recently passed my TExES exam (yay!) and am going to school in July (5th-20th) to obtain my alternative teaching certificate.  Right now I am in the process of teacher observations.  My time in the classroom has really reassured me that I am making the right choice.

I am incredibly sad to be leaving my job, like I said before, the people here are wonderful and I doubt there is a better boss than the one I have, but I have to do what the Lord is calling me to, that I know for sure.  All of this to say, we could really use your prayers right now.  No matter what I have to leave my job by the end of June so I can attend school full time in July.  We are praying that a teaching position finds its way to me before the end of summer so I can be employed and working come the start of the new school year in August.  Right now I am doing teacher observations at Dallas Park and Oakmont Elementary schools, but am not limited to the CISD.  Please continue to hold us in your thoughts and prayers as we take this huge step in a new direction.  

In other news, I started seeing a counselor one on one two weeks ago.  Tonight will be my third session. It hasn't been long enough for me to tell if it is making a difference or not but I refuse to just give up.  I know that with God anything is possible and I want to find victory over the tragedies in my life.  This is not something I can do alone and have made strides in the right direction.  I miss and think of my dad every single second of every day, and when I am asleep he finds his way into my dreams.  It is a gnawing ache that just doesn't go away.

Right now I am finding comfort in keeping myself busy.  When I am not at work or church I am at the gym or spending time with family and friends... Down time for me just doesn't happen these days.  Yesterday was wonderful, we celebrated Mother's Day as a family and got to play games and eat delicious food!  We spent some time at the Botanic Gardens taking pictures and then cooled off in the pool!  My mother is one of the strongest, most beautiful (inside and out), loving, selfless individuals I've ever had the privilege of knowing.  She is humble, sweet, compassionate and fun woman that we are all blessed to call mom and friend.  Yesterday wasn't easy for any of us, but I could not be more thankful to have a close family that can act as a support system for me at all times.  Happy Mother's day to the incredible "moms" in my life; My momma, Melanie Koch, Marsha Morgan, Darlene Chandler, Jane Rowe and SO many more! 

Quick Recent Event Update!

Is it really May already?  I cannot believe how fast time is passing these days.  Just a quick update on life events lately before I get into my ramblings...

My cousin Crystal was married just a couple of months ago and we all made a trip down to Clifton, Texas to celebrate their wedding with a reception.  Crystal is an amazing woman and we were so happy to see her find such an exceptional man to spend the rest of her life with.  The reception was wonderful and we had so much fun spending time with family.  

One of my closest friends, Kellie, celebrated her birthday this past month!  We all went out for dinner at Rio Mambo and then back to their apartment for dessert and games.  Life has gotten so hectic and jam packed that any time we get to spend with friends is incredible.

Last month Josh and I took a day and went out to Glen Rose, Texas to do some hiking in Dinosaur Valley.  We had been before but it was a breath of fresh air to get outside and enjoy the beautiful spring weather.  

This past weekend Jami, Kristi and I drove out to Wichita Falls for Kim’s (Jami’s sister) bridal shower.  It had been a while since I was able to spend time with the girls so we made a weekend out of it.  They drove in late Friday night and spend the night and then we headed out in the morning and got back late that night.  The shower was beautiful and I was overjoyed to get to spend so much time with friends I love so much!!

Life has continued to stay incredibly busy, I’m very thankful for the time to have to spend with family and friends!  

The Truth is...

I know it's been a while since my last post.  Life always has a way of sneaking up on me and shoving me off of my feet, I find myself, more often than not, feeling like I'm living upside-down in a right-side up kind of world.

People deal with grief differently.  I don't know what "people" I align with at this point in time.  Some days I feel like I'm coping "normally" and others I feel like I should be checking myself into the crazy house.  I've realized that it is easier for me to write when things are feeling better, when I'm feeling hopeful and I can see that light at the end of the tunnel.  It's when I'm faced with my demons and my depression and hurt that I don't write because of the things I fear will come out.

The truth is.... I feel abandoned.  I sit here, crying as I write this.  It's not easy to say, or even to feel.  A lot of you may not know this but I hated my dad for a good two years.  The day after Christmas 2003, my dad and mom called my brother and I upstairs to talk.  Mom was deathly quiet and Dad had been crying.  I thought they were about to tell us that someone in the family had passed.  I was nieve and 17.  Then my dad spoke, "I asked your mom for a divorce this morning."  Tears streamed from his face and I remember feeling like my heart had fallen into my toes.  My eyes widened, burning like fire and my jaw hung open as if I had suddenly lost all control of my muscles.  I didn't believe what he said.  Everything from that moment on was a blur.  I remember him saying something about just not being happy and needing to figure things out, that he hadn't been happy in life for some time.  I left the house in a rush that morning and got to work 5 minutes late.  I walked into Pac Sun and as soon as I saw my manager tears streamed down my face.  They got someone to cover for my shift and I don't remember where I went or what I did, but I don't think I came back home for two days.  After that I didn't much talk to my dad.  He moved out and got an apartment just down the road.  I finished my senior year of high school and when the time came for me to go to college Dad decided that he and mom were going to make things work.  As the truck unloaded my things at my dorm in Denton it turned around back to Fort Worth and brought my dad's things back home.

I harbored a lot of resentment toward my dad for all of the sleepless nights he caused my mom.  All of the tears I had to watch fall from her blood shot blue eyes.  It took me two  years to forgive my dad.  Two years before we sat side by side on the couch in their living room and I said I forgive you dad, and I love you.  After that things were different.  It wasn't perfect right away but I slowly started to realize how similar we were.  Over the past couple of years my dad had become one of my best friends. The one person I would trust with anything.   He was a vault, and so wise beyond his years.  He loved me effortlessly and wanted nothing more than my time and love.  We were chemically wired the same.  High anxiety, very compassionate people who have hearts that feel to the extreme.  It made our conversations about our lives and our feelings so much easier because he could relate completely and he understood my words, how I felt and for once in my life I didn't feel like an outsider.  I didn't feel too "needy," I didn't feel too "emotional."  I was his daughter and he was so proud of that.  In return I couldn't have been more proud of my dad.

The truth is... He is gone.  And as much as I try to busy my life up to cover up that reality, it doesn't change the facts.  My dad took his own life in an attempt to free himself from the hurt and anxiety and depression that had pushed him past his breaking point.  I've spent the past four months standing up for my dad.  Telling everyone that I am not mad at him, that I feel empathy toward him and can't imagine what he was going through, what was so terrible that could make him take his own life.  And I am still not mad at him.  

I feel abandoned.  I feel like the one person that told me he would always just be a phone call away is no longer a phone call away.  I can write to him in my journals and talk to him when I'm feeling alone but the truth is, he can't talk back.  The truth is... My dad's ashes sit on a shelf in his office in a beautiful blue vase.  I sat in his chair today and looked up at those ashes and goosebumps covered my entire body.  My dad, those big hazel eyes, his charming smile, his laugh that could pull anyone out of sadness, that huge heart and strong, soft hands, and the arms that held me tight for 24 years are all sitting on a shelf collecting dust.

I can't help but feel a slight ping of jealousy when I see a daughter taking her dad for granted.  Seeing a teenage girl go out for a night on the town with her friends while her dad sits at home dwelling on the times when he was her number one man, when there was no one better, stronger or more handsome than her dad.  I'd do absolutely anything to get to hug my dad one more time.  To get to look in his eyes and tell him how much he means to me, how I wish I could take back all of the years that I harbored animosity towards him.  I see some of our friends who are dads to little girls, these adorable girls who have them wrapped around their finger.   Little girls clinging to a chain link fence at a softball game yelling, "go Daddy, go!"  I feel robbed.  I feel cheated.  I feel completely left behind.  Abandoned.  I see myself at that same fence looking for my dad, the one I can cheer for.  He's nowhere to be found.  And now I'm here, stuck in this pile of broken heart mixed with tears and emotions I never knew existed.

Life is not easy.  Death is not easy.  Coping and grieving are not easy. Lately there are a lot of days that I want to quit.  I find daily tasks more difficult, my mind wandering and finding it hard to focus.  I feel overwhelmed and it all comes down to feeling like my dad, the strongest, most handsome, amazing, incredible man in the entire world, the one that i had wrapped around my finger, the one that would smile for hours after a five minute cuddle from me, has abandoned me.  My entire family.  The rock of our home crumbled into ashes and we are all stuck sitting in them trying to figure out how to put things back together.  I know this sounds like I'm throwing the biggest pity party of the century, I am not trying to.  I'm being raw and honest and sometimes that gets me into trouble.  But I feel like if I'm not honest, what am I?

I have a really long road ahead of me.  And yes, today it seems nearly impossible because I can't even seem to see what I'm going to be doing in ten minutes.  I do know that God has a reason and a purpose for everything and I try my hardest to cling to that, but I am human and sometimes its easier to just sit in a pile of tears and feel bad for myself.  Today is that kind of day.  I'm having to reshape my thinking, my emotions, my entire life all because my dad was out of options.  All I can do is hope and pray that I am never sitting where he was that Tuesday afternoon, feeling helpless, alone and completely out of options.

I love my Daddy very much.  More than any words have the capacity to convey.  I am hurt, however, hurt by his actions because he left behind one hell of a family and a lot of life long friends who are all having to pick up pieces and try to figure things out all over again.  One step forward three steps back, something like that.  All of this to say, I haven't written because I haven't wanted to be that person who brings everyone down.  It's easier to be the uplifter, the encourager, the person who brings light to the world.  The hardest thing for me is this.  To be raw and honest in saying that today I am not okay.  Today I feel alone and abandoned.  Today sucks.  And that is that.

Stay tuned for a much more uplifting and happy blog... I'm sure they will follow. :)

Three Months Down... Several Hundred To Go

Three months ago yesterday I got to hear my Dad's voice for the last time.  Everyday I close my eyes and replay his words in my head over and over so I can make sure that I never forget any of it.  I want to remember the tone, his inflection, his breath, his emotion.  I never want to forget those last minutes I got to have with my dad.

I love this picture of us at my 23rd Birthday Party... He was the best dad, ever. 

The 14th has become a dreaded number for our family.  It marks a day of intense pain and grief.  As I've stated before, we've decided to make the 14th of every month a family day in order to continue to grow together as a family and to move through this together.  It has been a wonderful tradition that I really look forward to upholding.

This past weekend was a difficult one for me.  Friday night our long-time, family friends, the Cooks, spent their last night in Texas.  We drove out to Grapevine and met up with the Cooks at Fireside Pies for some pizza.  It was great sitting at this big table with so many people that we love.  After dinner we headed to their hotel and got to do a little swimming with the kids.  They have four beautiful children that I am completely in love with.  2 handsome boys and 2 incredible gorgeous daughters.  The night flew by though and before I knew it we were saying our goodbyes.  As I hugged Bekah tears welled up in my eyes, she and her husband, Josh, were the ones that gave Josh and I our premarital counseling.  I've known them since I was a young teen and they have made such an impact on my life.  Saying goodbye to them was incredibly difficult.  Bekah looked at me and said, "Ya know, Nic, Josh and I were thinking, why did God move us to Texas for these past three years?  What is it that he wanted us here for, and we realized it was so that we could have three more years with your dad."  I couldn't hold back my tears because I knew she was right.  Had they have stayed in Tennessee they would have been one of the many who had to receive a distant phone call on that dreadful night.  As hard as it is to see them go we know that God has greater things in store for their family and I continue to love and miss them until we get to be reunited again.

Nikki flew in from California Friday night and was able to spend time with everyone before they left as well.  On Saturday I spent the day at Mom's house just goofing around.  Athena and I had a great time playing "Horse" outside with our basketball.  I realized that I am not very graceful, shocker, and that Athena has some half way decent skills.  But no one can do a granny, in between the legs, shot like I can.  While we were outside the ice cream man drove up.  I cannot remember the last time that I got ice cream from one of these places... It was really fun.  Mom, Bug, Nikki and I sat on the curb eating our treats and smiling at the beautiful day.  It really was amazing.  That night Mom, Nicki and Bug came over for dinner and desert and we played Settlers of Catan.  Kevin was even able to come and join us for the game.

Sunday was a relaxing day for the most part.  Sunday morning I woke up at 6:20 (which was REALLY 5:20 with this whole spring forward deal) and got ready for church.  I sang in both services so it was a long morning, but very fun.  I was so flustered after the first service, however, as the screen with the words in the back of the sanctuary froze during one of the songs I was leading... The second verse came up and my mind went completely blank.  I froze.  I felt completely embarrassed.  It happens, though... right? Haha.  Besides, it's not about me!  Everything we do sounds beautiful to the Lord, even when we forget the words. :)

I had rehearsal again Sunday night and then enjoyed the rest of the evening at home with Josh.  He spend the whole day ironing his shirts (how lucky am I?) while I sat on the couch clearing the DVR of all of my episodes of Bones.  :) Quite relaxing.

Last night, as it was the 14th, we all met up at Uncle Julios for dinner.  The whole family, even Nikki. Dinner was incredible, I think most of us ended up with the Carne Asada and some delicious margaritas. After dinner the girls went to mom's for another game of Catan in which Melanie kicked all of our butts.

I have to say, with everything that is going on in my life, the loss of dad, dealing with other daily issues, some things going on with close friends.... I still feel incredibly blessed.  I have a great job.  A husband who loves me, an incredible, reliable, close-nit family and some amazing friends.  It is hard to complain when you look on the bright side of things.

Tonight, because of spring break, there is no group counseling.  I'm pretty bummed as I have come to look forward to the evenings at the Warm Place.  But I have been taking time out of my day to focus on my grief and have even been writing more letters to Dad.  Because there is no group I get to watch Josh's softball game tonight.  His dad has joined the team as well, so it is a family affair.  I'm looking forward to watching the guys play.  Hopefully I'll get some good pictures and some video as well. :)

I really appreciate all of you that take the time to read these random ramblings of mine.  It is just my way of getting the clutter out of my brain so I can think a little more clearly, but I feel so loved knowing that so many of you read and support us.  You all bless me more than you could possibly know.  I am so thankful.  :)