Thursday, August 12

If To Distant Lands I Scatter...

I don't even know where to begin, and for me that says a lot.  Typically I have no problem whipping these little blog posts out, usually I have to scale them back just to keep them from getting too wordy!  But I have to start somewhere, so I guess it's here.

God has completely shaken my world.  This past month has been full of a lot of ups and downs.  It all started with Jamie's wedding.

Jamie and Kenneth were married on June 28, 2010 in a private ceremony at the Morgan's house.  It was beautiful, simple and to the point.

Josh and I were honored to be invited to the ceremony and afterward we all headed to Rio Mambo to celebrate their union.  The following Sunday, the Fourth of July, Jamie and Kenneth had their formal ceremony at the Fossil Creek Golf Course in Fort Worth.  It was the perfect day, just some slight winds, but blue skies and great temperatures.  The weekend was filled with events from bachelorette / lingerie parties to bridal luncheons and rehearsal dinners.  It was a great time spent with family and friends and before long they were on their way to Costa Rica to spend a week in wedded bliss on their honeymoon.  Jamie and I got to share our last name for 9 months, she is now officially a Farmer. :)

Everything after Jamie's wedding is pretty much a blur to me.  The truth is, I've been hiding.  Hiding behind  myself, Facebook, and a closed door.  My entire life I've suffered from an anxiety disorder.  Most people hear the word anxiety and overlook it as something that is controllable.  I've spent many hours dwelling on Bible verses that may help to remind me that God is bigger than any emotion and all things can be healed through Him.  This month, however it all caught up to me and my life overflowed like a volcano that just couldn't wait one more second to erupt. 

Josh and his friends took a week's long trip to Wyoming.  I was anxious about being alone.  I knew that I wasn't feeling well and was afraid of what might happen if I were left alone.  But he had this trip planned and I wanted him to go and enjoy himself with his friends.  So I made a list of things to do to keep me busy while he was away.  I painted the entire house... and yet that still was not enough to keep my mind clear and free from anxiety.  The next Monday during work, while Josh was still away, I suffered a panic attack unlike any I've had in years.  Fortunately, my brother and sister in law were nearby and they were able to make it over to be with me bringing some medication that would let me avoid a trip to the ER.  My dad's voice soothed me via cell phone as he and the rest of my family were in Pittsburgh visiting family.  I made it through the attack and slept the remainder of the day while Melanie stayed to keep me company. 

After the attack I spiraled into a serious depression.  I hit rock bottom.  Josh returned home the next night to a different woman than he had left at home 5 days before.  It was this week that I started to seriously search my heart.  My family had been dealing with a lot and I took those stresses and anxieties onto myself and added them to the big heaping pile of grime that had been building up in my own life.  After a day full of tears and countless Kleenexes I decided that I needed a vacation.  I needed to get away from the mess I felt I was sitting in and desperately wanted some very fresh air.  I called my best friend, Ashley, in Colorado and asked her if she was free the next weekend.  God is so good because in fact, she was.  I booked the a flight to Colorado.

A few nights before I left, my friend and neighbor, Morgan, called me out of the blue and I decided to head over to catch up with her.  God had been putting me on her heart for the past two weeks and she had no idea why until I sat on her couch breaking down and letting it all off my chest.  She sat and listened with a compassionate heart and gave me some incredible advice that I know came straight from the Lord.  "Nicki, have you been spending any time with God?  Do you pray throughout the day, do you journal?"  Tears filled my eyes as I shook my head no.  I was ashamed.  My relationship with the Lord has always been strong in my opinion.  I am a woman that prays, I trust in the Lord with my whole heart and thought that I was seeking His ways.  It was this night that my world was rocked.  Morgan left the room for a moment and returned with a small green journal to which she proceeded to hand to me.  It was a gift, a form of motivation you might say.  Again tears welled in my eyes as I felt so humbled before her, so loved and cared for.  I knew that I was feeling the Lord close and it was something I hadn't felt in a while.  After praying and worshiping together I made the walk back home, journal in hand.  I didn't waste a minute before I was diving into the Word for the first time in a long time....


cal+claire said...

What a confession and a challenge. I needed to hear that same word.

Mark Bradford said...

Nicki, I'm so glad you're doing better, and I'm very glad to hear that you're journaling! Almost 2 years ago now (August 21st, 2008) I started journaling in the form of a blog on my website (Mark Bradford's Bible Blog). It has changed my life. I've had to take a break from it for a few weeks because of work, and I can't wait to start again. Be encouraged! Keep it up! You are loved!

Next time you're in town, I hope it's under better circumstances!


Nicki said...

Thanks to you both!!! It's encouraging to know that we aren't alone in our journeys.

Emily said...

I know we haven't talked in years, but thanks to technology I've been keeping up with you (hope that doesn't sound too creepy). I've dealt with anxiety & depression as well and have found some very helpful natural ways to manage it. If you want to know more, please email me at

It does get easier, I promise!

Emily said...

My last name used to be Muchnikoff (so I'm not a total stranger, I just got married).