I keep a journal. Though I don't write in it as much as I need or would like to, it has brought me a lot of comfort in the past months.
Today while looking through the pages I came across an entry dated 12-14-2010. I stopped in my tracks, completely forgetting that I had written in my journal that morning. The Sunday before I woke up very early in the morning, struggling, feeling down about who I was and wondering who it is that God wants me to be. Monday night after the phone call from my dad I was troubled but wanted to keep the focus on making myself better. Tuesday morning I wrote in my journal, this is just an excerpt from the entry:
"Lord, I pray that you will give me the knowledge to do your will and the ability to make the right decisions and choices in my life. Let my thoughts be of you and my choices be yours. I want to follow your path with full faith that you are right beside me, guiding me."Later that day my dad committed suicide. Little did I know, I was about to need God's strength and purpose for my life more than ever.
It's been over a month and I still find myself wanting to dig a hole and climb right on in. I'm pretty sure that feeling wont go away for quite some time. I've come to realize that the only way I am going to make it through is by leaning completely and fully on Him. Music brings me closer to my God, I'm not sure why but it always has. This morning as I sit here typing this an OLD song came on Pandora, but it is perfect for me right now. God works in funny ways sometimes, but I sure am glad that He is still working in me.