Tuesday, February 22

Session 2 and whatnot

Last week I had my second group therapy session.  This time was a lot less awkward.  I knew the people in the room and felt like I could be myself.  It started off, like every session does, with eyes closed, deep breathing and absolutely no thinking.  It helps to clear the mind of any of the day's anxieties or stresses.  After that we go around and say a little something each.  I swear I giggle every time our "counselor" introduces himself, "Hello my name is ....  and ....." I always think of, "Hello, my name is Nicki and I am an alcoholic." :-D

Anyway, we then moved onto what that night had in store.  They had a backpack filled with rocks, each person had to put the backpack on and walk around carrying the weight.  The rocks in the bag each had an emotion or feeling on them, it was to represent the struggle it can be when we walk around with emotions, feelings and anxieties in our head and hearts.  Most said the backpack wasn't too heavy, I picked it up and it made me fall back over, haha.  Anyway, the rock I pulled had the word CONFIDENCE written on it.  The two before me got ENVY and GUILT, and I get confidence?!  We had to use that word and relate it to how we are feeling about the death of our loved one.  I literally looked up and said, are you kidding me? My dad just committed suicide two months ago and you want me to tell you how its made me confident?!

I sat there with tears in my eyes trying to think about how it has made me more confident.  The one thing that popped into my head was that suddenly, pretty much after he passed, I lost my fear of singing in front of other people.  He always loved it so much when I'd sing, he made it to almost every choir concert and musical I attended, he even went to take pictures while we practiced.  He was so proud of me and always wanted me to be less shy when people asked me to sing.  He was the one who really encouraged me to start playing guitar.  I feel like I suddenly have the strength and confidence to sing out loud and use the gifts God has given me.   I never really put the two together until that night.  I cried saying that I wish he were here to see it, to be proud, to hold me and tell his friends how much he loves me.  They asked me if he'd be proud and I said yes... I just wish I could see and feel it.

The night went on and other rocks were pulled, HOPE, ANGER, REGRET.... All of those got  me thinking, each one applied to me and how I am dealing with this.  It was a wonderful night full of sharing and growing, but it has made for quite a hard week.

Monday was Valentine's Day... It was also the 14th.  The two month mark.  Instead of going out on a date alone with Josh we decided to stick with our new tradition of dinner and games with the entire family every 14th of the month.  Josh made amazing steaks and we had yummy green beans, asparagus, baked potatoes, and garlic bread.  After dinner we played a game of Farkle, Mel got lucky and won... But I was second place so I'm not too bitter. :)

I won't lie to you, I am definitely struggling.  There are days where I think, I'll be just fine.... and then there are days where I feel like I just can't make it through the morning.  Getting out of bed is extremely difficult.  For the past week or so he has been in my dreams every single night.  I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing yet.  All I know is that I miss him desperately.  I know we all do.  I just wear it on my sleeve.

I'm attending my third session tonight and have no idea what is in store, but I'm actually looking forward to it.  I want growth, I want help, I want to feel semi normal again.  I truly think that this will help me.  That and the power of prayer.  I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength.  To God be ALL of the glory even in the darkest times of our lives.


fortunate fool said...

Nicki, thanks for sharing this.

Kim said...

You are on my mind so much, Nicki. My heart breaks for you. You are an incredible young lady... I have no doubt your daddy is very proud of you! Can't you just hear that great laugh he had??? Yep, he's very proud.

Debra said...

My heart breaks for you reading this post. Because I am going through this grief myself, I can tell you, it DOES get better...you will feel better...not so isolated and alone. It is a long journey for us, but, it is true that time heals. Our lives will never be the same, but, as I told my girls, please do not let your Dad's suicide define you. The dad whose love and devotion helped raise you to be the sweet, beautiful, talented girl you are is what defines you.
You remain in my prayers.

With love, Deb