Friday, August 5

Change Keeps on Comin'

I'm laying here in bed tonight having an incredibly difficult time finding sleep.  Its always the late nights that pull me under, not quite sure what it is about the night that does it.  Its been too long since I've updated and there is a lot to update so here goes nothing. :)

My last day of work was July 1st.  It was bittersweet leaving THG because it had been such a wonderful job.  I loved the people I worked with and had the best boss anyone could ask for, but I knew that God was calling me to do His will elsewhere.  That weekend was the fourth of July and it was spent with family and friends.  School started the following Tuesday.  ECAP was an incredible experience.  I have to say that there were moments I thought about pulling my hair out strand by strand, but overall it was worth it.  There were a handful of incredibly intelligent and creative instructors who really inspired me and reminded me why I wanted in this field to begin with.  On top of getting a great education I also had the pleasure of meeting a new, incredible friend.  It's amazing how God provides just when you need it.

Wednesday, July 24th, we headed down to Destin, FL for a family vacation with the Morgans.  We stayed in the same condo as last year and it was so relaxing spending time on the beach and soaking up the warm sun.  The break from Texas heat was nice!  We enjoyed delicious food, I had my first deep sea fishing adventure and even went parasailing!  Before leaving we were able to take some family pictures on the beach for Steve and Marsha.

Now that I am finished with school I have been continuing on with the job search.  Its been a struggle not to get defeated.  You hear so much talk about how bad the job market is and how no one is getting hired, etc...  After applying to countless schools and districts to no avail I had decided that becoming a substitute teacher was the right avenue to take for now.  Last night I was over at mom's house spending time with my Aunt Brenda and cousin Emily and family when I got a phone call from Josh.  He had just gotten off the phone with his mom who told him of a teaching position that had just opened up at one of the schools where she teaches.  Long story short, I have my first interview Monday at 3:00.  I am elated but trying not to get ahead of myself.  It would be such a blessing to be offered this position.  It seems like I've been praying nonstop for provision from the Lord... Hoping that this could be the opportunity that turns things around for me.  As always, prayers are needed and so appreciated.

I feel a little foolish sitting here tonight feeling so down.  There is so much in life to be thankful for... Countless blessings that I experience everyday and yet I feel like there is a huge gaping hole in my heart and my soul.  The gnawing ache inside of my heart that Dad left behind has only gotten bigger.  I see my family clinging to whatever they can to get through each day and can't help to think how different things would be if he were still here holding us all together.  After I found out about my interview I picked up my phone to call him.  Its the first time I've done so since he died.  I wanted nothing more than to sit and talk with him about my excitement and pick his brain for what to do/say in my interview.  When reality came crashing back down it felt as if an 18-wheeler slammed right into my chest.  Time doesn't make this better.  I know the only thing that can fill the void is seeking out my Heavenly Father.  I wont lie though, sometimes that is just so much harder than it sounds.  We crave the flesh, the things we can feel and see.  I'd do anything to get to sit in my dad's arms one more time, to see him smile at me with those big hazel eyes and grin as I ramble on about my exciting news.  It's amazing how much we take relationships for granted.  It's the little things I miss most; just his presence in the house, his laughter when he tells a joke that he knows is really funny, the way he would yell at the Cowboys when they didn't do what he wanted, his gentle voice as he led our family in prayer...  Its as if a vacuum sucked out the essence of him the moment I heard my mom scream.  There are some sounds you just can't drown out.   Tonight I just really want my dad.

2 comments:

Shelley Lee said...

Prayers for you, little sister, as you bravely put one foot in front of the other. Grateful for your intimacy with the Lord to lead you along the journey. So thankful you are able to deal with your heartache through creative outlets, like writing, music & photograpy. Prayers for your sweet husband as he supports you in your healing. Love you. Shelley

cal+claire said...

Praying for you. It's so easy to know what we should do, but it is just so much harder to do it. I can relate to that. I deeply appreciate your honesty and while I don't rejoice in your pain, I rejoice that the Lord is growing you in spite of it and through it. It's a hard road but know it's well covered in prayer.