Wednesday, July 11

Life After a Baby

I've always looked at pregnant women with such awe and desire.  Their skin glows, their bellies are so cute and I love it when they walk away waddling.  It's all super duper cute until its you. :)  Now, I am not writing this to get sympathy or have people tell me that I'm lucky I didn't gain as much as they did or that I don't know how good I had it... I use this blog just as much as a diary for myself as I do to keep family and friends updated so please give me a little grace to vent and be honest.

Pregnancy was nothing at all like I thought it would be.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adored being blessed enough to carry Callie Bug, and even liked having a belly (for the most part) but there are so many things that people don't tell you about during pregnancy!  Random pains, aches, heartburn, reflux, peeing every five minutes, morning sickness that never goes away, kicks to the ribs, not being able to sit or stand for long periods of time, swollen everything, but worst of all for me was watching my body change and not being able to fit into my clothes.  Yes, I was pregnant and you're supposed to get big and round but I don't think it's any girl's dream to get bigger.  It was a constant struggle for me to feel beautiful.  Josh did an amazing job making me feel gorgeous and sexy but being told you look great and feeling great are two totally different things.

After having Callie I was surprised at how much weight I had lost.  I gained 26 lbs during my pregnancy and dreaded getting on the scale at each appointment.  After getting back home from the NICU I had lost 16 lbs. When you're at a certain weight for the majority of your life and then gain a large amount in a short period of time it really messes with your self esteem.  I was very excited to have lost so much weight right after she was born and eager to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight as soon as I could while still being healthy.  I had a pretty severe episiotomy during labor and 8 weeks later I am still recovering from it.  When the 6 week waiting period finally arrived I was so eager to start working out again.

A friend of mine keeps a blog that I read pretty regularly and she had started the Ripped in 30 DVD by Jillian Michaels.  Her experience with it really encouraged me, so when 6 weeks had passed I didn't wait a day longer to go out and buy the DVD for myself.  I am now on week 3 day 3 of the program and am SO happy with the results.  I've lost half an inch in my hips, an inch off my waist, an inch from my thighs and half an inch in my calves!  My clothes are fitting better (still not quite back to where I was but I don't think it will ever be that way again with these newly formed hips and larger chest) and I am feeling a lot better about myself.  That was until yesterday. 

I mentioned something about how happy I am with my progress and how I'm feeling/looking on Facebook and read a pretty hurtful, passive agressive response from someone .  It hurt beyond words to read and really knocked me on my rear.  Not once did it cross my mind that I was bragging or fishing for complements or praise... I simply wanted to share my excitement with family and friends and apparently it was taken the wrong way completely.

I understand that how I feel something should come across and how it is perceived by someone else are two completely different things that I have no control over, but it has really discouraged me and hurt me more than I should have allowed it to.  There was a part of me that thought I could possibly be an encouragement to others who feel badly about themselves post-pregnancy, but after this ordeal I have no desire to put myself back out there.  It is insanely difficult to be judged and seen as something you are not.

All of this being said, I am still very proud of myself for all of the hard work I am putting in and will continue on my journey to making myself the best I can be both inside and out.  How I am perceived matters a lot to me.  I know it probably shouldn't but it hurts to be seen in a negative light when I work so hard to live my life in a positive one.  As a Christian it is especially difficult to hear that you are coming across as egocentric or conceited.  To those of you who have seen me in this light, I apologize and will do my best to stay humble and more reserved about things of a physical nature. 

Vent over...

:) And in order to keep this post on the lighthearted side, I'll end with a picture of my sweet Callie Bug!


cal+claire said...

Anyone that knows you for real would know you are not conceited. No way! We aren't BFF or anything, but I know that you would never do something just for the compliments. You have just never evidenced any signs of that.
Any way, I completely understand wanting to get back to your original weight and how feeling good is not the same as someone saying you look good. I lost all of my baby weight immediately, I actually lost too much weight because of different issues. People told me I should be happy about it, but just because I had no fat didn't mean my body felt like my old body. My clothes still don't fit correctly. Right? Just thoughts from another mommy.

Nicki Morgan said...

Claire, thank you so much for your encouragement. Your comments are always so uplifting and helpful. It is so nice to know that I'm not alone in this journey! God truly has blessed me with people in my life that are beyond amazing and special, you are one of them!! Your family is truly beautiful.

Nikki said...

Keep your chin up girl! I gained 50lbs with my little man and I just hit my 6 week mark yesterday! I still have 30lbs before I'm at my pre pregnancy weight. I enjoy reading your post and really considering buying that DVD. I hate not being able to put my old jeans on :( I can't get them over my thighs yet :(

Nicki Morgan said...

Thanks, Nikki!! Your sweet boy is absolutely adorable. I'm sure that weight will fall right off with a little exercise. You've always been super tiny! I can't get my jeans on either, but I think it's because I suddenly have hips that I've never had in my life. :) Good luck!! Let me know if you have any questions about the DVD, I love it!