The closer it gets to June the more emotions I begin to uncover. This pregnancy has taken my emotions and thrown them into a blender. I am overjoyed to be having our little girl, to have been given the privilege to become a mother. The excitement Josh and I feel daily about our fast approaching future has been helpful in that it helps me to focus on happier things, but with that comes the reality that those happier things become a mask blocking me from dealing with some truly painful emotions.
I was watching some show on TLC about labor and delivery and it followed families that were having multiples. At one point in the show a mother was being wheeled into the C-Section room talking about how her dad hadn't made it to the hospital yet, right before she made it to the room he showed up and gave her a big hug... I had tears streaming down my face. It's a reality that I've chosen to ignore for the past 7 months.
My dad won't be there the day my daughter comes into this world.
It's heart crushing. There have been so many moments throughout this pregnancy where I've wanted to talk to him. I've wanted to grab his hand and place it on my belly as Callie kicks up a storm, I've wanted to cry on his shoulder when I wasn't feeling well and know that he'd give me comfort and a smile... I know that nothing I say or do will change reality. My dad is in heaven where he doesn't feel pain, sadness, anxiety or hurt. But today I am feeling a little sad for not only myself but also for sweet Callie. She will never get to know her grandpa, she'll never know what it feels like to be held in his warm, gentle hands or hear his infectious laugh. My dad was made to be a grandfather and it is so painful to know that he robbed himself of all of these blessings that were ahead of him.
Today isn't unlike any other, I miss my dad... But today the reality is harder to mask.