Wednesday, June 26

Recovering from a Downward Plunge on the Suicide Roller Coaster.

Losing a parent is terrible.  Losing a parent at a young age is even worse.  Losing a parent to suicide is utterly impossible.

It’s been two and a half years since I lost my dad and the roller coaster of emotions has not subsided.   I was dusting my nightstand the other day and in the process cleaned the memorial my mom had made after his death.  In the middle of cleaning I lost my breath and fell to my knees as tears streamed from my eyes.  The ache of missing him just doesn’t get any better.  

What’s really terrible is that I haven’t been to the mausoleum since last year.  There is something very heavy about going there.  It’s a beautiful place, really… But I cannot express to you how difficult it is to look up at a wall of tiny glass cubbies filled with ornate vases that are filled with burnt up bodies.  I’m terribly sorry if that is too morbid for you, but that is exactly what I think every time I go.  I see my dad’s urn way up high and think that complete strangers in this cold, strange place surround him… I guess there really is no happy place for someone’s body to lay to rest, but for some reason it’s just overwhelming to go.  

Now, I am a Christian and I firmly believe in heaven and hell, so I know that my dad’s soul is not in that tiny little box on the wall.  But there brings the debate that no one dares to utter out loud.  Heaven or hell?  My dad was the driving force behind my faith.  He taught me to love as Christ loves me, to forgive even when the person doesn’t deserve forgiveness, to give until there is nothing left to give and then give a little more, and to follow Christ with complete and total trust.  My dad was an amazing man of God.   His last words in his letter were, “God forgive me…”  That keeps me up at night.   I pray that He did.  The difficult part is that I don’t know.   I won’t get to have this question answered until I am called Home.  Will my daddy be standing behind those gates eagerly awaiting my arrival with open arms and tears running down his face?  Gosh, I hope so.  But the thought of him being nowhere in sight crushes my soul.  It’s a thought I battle daily. 

Callie is now walking, talking and becoming her own little person.  She makes me so proud.  So fulfilled.  Yet, every time I see her I think of him; how he always talked about getting his girl… Ugh.  He missed it by a year!!!   She doesn’t know any better, and her “Big Daddy” is an incredible grandfather… What she is missing from my dad she truly does get from him, but I still hurt for her.  No one should have to grow up without their grandpa.  Without ever even getting the chance to be held by him or hear him utter “I love you.” 

I play that day in my head over and over and over… It haunts me.  I’ve never written about it because I don’t want to bring that many people into pure devastation and pain.  Sometimes I wonder, if I wrote it all down, would it finally leave me alone?  Probably not.  And I’m too scared to relive it all just for the memory to grow stronger.  Yet another question that remains to be answered.  

Please don’t get me wrong; I am SO happy and content in my life.  Josh and Callie bring me a happiness that cannot be explained.  I adore my family and friends and have truly been blessed with a wonderful life.   But all of that doesn’t cancel out the pain that festers in my heart from losing my dad.  Unfortunately, this roller coaster is just recovering from a downward plunge {hence the melancholy tone of this post}, but the good news is that with every plunge comes the climb back to the top…. I’m just holding on for dear life hoping that the next drop isn’t as fast and deep as the last.


gennie pender said...

I can not imagine how it feels, but I totally get everything you said! It makes sense to me and I think they are perfectly normal feelings and questions. Sorry that it has to be your normal. I just wanted to tell you that last Sunday I watched as you worshipped on stage and it appreared that it was just you and God in that sanctuary. I thought, how does she do it? How awesome is it that Jesus has you in His arms And I praise God that you have Josh and Callie because they seem to bring you joy! Just my perspective.

I did not know your Dad but every time I see you I am reminded of what you are enduring and I say a little prayer for you! God Bless you Nicki!!!

Aaron said...

Bless you for your courage to pen such thoughts. Of all the things I want to say in response to something as honest and powerful as what you just wrote, I am only moved in this moment to say: "It's ok." It's ok to feel this way. It's ok to grieve and ache. It's ok to keep working through these things because it's not something you can just "get over" by flipping some switch.
I love you and your sweet little family very much. And I wish I could see you sing on Sundays! Hopefully we can meet up soon.

Carly said... name is Carly. I stumbled across your blog and have enjoyed reading it. I just had my second baby in July. I got to this post and the title alone almost had me in tears. I also lost my dad to suicide when I was 5 followed by a unbelievable number of suicides of friends and other family members including an uncle and a grandpa. Your post was very touching. I often think about what my dad and what kind of grandpa he would have been to my boys. This post was comforting in knowing that other people have gone through the same thing and I thank you for putting the words down. Congrats on baby number two. It is so much fun the second time around :)

shelia said...

i just discovered your adorable blog! thank you for your honesty and faith in such a personal and rawly emotional issue--i was so touched and i'm praying for you and your beautiful family.

Nicki Morgan said...

Carly, I am so sorry for your loss... I know those words do nothing to heal your pain but it's so comforting to know that I am not alone. Stay strong in the Lord, He truly brings the most genuine healing and comfort!

Nicki Morgan said...

Thank you, Shelia!

Anonymous said...

I just read your post about your father, and prayed for you. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. I am confident that God will answer those burning questions in your heart, and He will give you peace.

Lyne Patrick said...

I read this and the tears are hard to hold back. I lost my mom 15 years ago when I was only 14 (she didn't commit suicide). The pain you feel of your dad not getting to see his grandchildren or them him I know all to well. I had my 1st child a daughter in July of 2013 and missed my mom being there and here everyday since.